then there are inner expectations, like our own desire to keep a New Year’s resolution,

our own desire to get back into practising guitar.

So, depending on how you respond to expectations, you are an Upholder, a Questioner, an Obliger,

or a Rebel.

Upholders readily meet outer and inner expectations – they keep to the work deadline, they keep

the New Year’s resolution without much fuss.

Questioners question all expectations. They’ll do it if they think it makes sense.

Obligers readily meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations

Then finally, Rebels. Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike - they want to do what

they want to do in their own way, in their own time.

So what do you do with this information – how can it help you manage yourself better, and

how can it help you deal better with other people?

Each of the tendencies has many mottos, and my favourite motto for Upholders is “discipline

is my freedom”. And there’s a lot of great things about Upholders – they’re self-reliant,

they’re self-starters, they’re very good at executing, they want to meet expectations

– but as with all the tendencies, the upsides are also the downsides. And upholders can

be rigid, so you want to make sure if you’re dealing with an Upholder, they’re not turning

into the mindless bureaucrat of doing their own paperwork endlessly.

Next, Questioners – and the motto of the Questioner is: “if you’ll convince me

why; then I’ll comply. They’re always looking at how to make processes better, they

tend to love information, they’re really great for all of us because they are the ones

that are saying – why are we doing this by Friday? Why are we doing this report? Why

are we listening to you? Why are we doing this at all?

But the upsides are the downsides, and Questioners sometimes drain and overwhelm others with

their constant questioning.

So, what do you if you’re a Questioner – or you’re dealing with a Questioner who is

stuck in analysis paralysis? One is to use deadlines. Another is limits – ‘we can

interview 5 people for this position, but we’re not going to interview 15’. Or you

find a trusted authority – if you want to buy a new great bicycle, you can spend the

rest of your life trying to figure out what is the best bicycle, or you just go to a really

great bike shop - ‘the people who work here know a lot about bikes, I can be very guided

by their judgment.’

So next Obligers – Obligers are the rock of the world – they are the type O, they

are the type that pairs up most easily with other tendencies. Really the frustration of

being an Obliger falls most on Obligers themselves, which is reflected in their motto which is

“you can count on me – and I’m counting on you to count on me”.

What’s the cure for this? If you want to meet an inner expectation, you must create

systems of outer accountability around that inner expectation. You want to read more – join

a book group.

Finally, Rebels. Their motto is “you can’t make me – and neither can I”. It can be

challenging working or living with somebody, where every time you ask them or tell them

to do something – they’re very likely to resist.

So how do you help a Rebel – or help yourself as a Rebel?

So let’s say you have a Rebel colleague who is refusing to go to a mandatory Wednesday

morning meeting.

You could say to the Rebel something like, “so I don’t know if you know we have these

Wednesday 10 am meetings? It’s like -everybody who’s at the meeting, we think about all

the projects coming up in the next several weeks, and then everybody in the meeting,

we take the interesting ones, and then we leave the dregs for the people who aren’t

at the meeting.

So, yeah, the meeting is at 10am on Wednesday.”

Information...Consequences... Choice...

It’s up to you.

I really do think this can help you show compassion for yourself – because there’s nothing

wrong with you! You’re not lazy, you don’t lack willpower. It’s totally predictable

that something that’s easy for someone else might be challenging for you. There’s plenty

of ways to work around that.

And it can also allow us to show more compassion to other people.

Because when we understand other people, then it’s not a matter of - one person’s right

and one person’s wrong, it’s just, how do we both – or all of us - get where we

want to go?