who more often than not believed that when any event was about her, she had the right to discard your feelings.

這個朋友認為，只要是跟她有關的任何事情，她都有權不顧你的感受。

Like if it were her birthday...

像如果是她的生日...

Oh, come on, don't go home, baby girl! Come out dancing with us!

一起去吧，別回家了，親愛的！和我們一起去跳舞吧！

I really wish that I could, but I have an early morning.

我真的也很想，但我要早起。

Come on, don't be lame.

走啦，不要這麼俗。

Look, I really want to, but this meeting tomorrow is really important and I just want to be well rested.

聽著，我真的很想去，但明天的會議真的很重要，我只想好好休息。

I came for the dinner, but I really can't stay out.

我是來吃晚餐的，但我真的不能待在外面。

Who cares what you want? It's my birthday!

誰在乎你想要什麼？今天是我的生日耶！

And a theme that's been coming up in therapy a lot lately, is the idea of societal expectation and pressure.

最近在心理治療經常出現的主題是社會期望和壓力。

You know, like cultural obligations, these unwritten rules we're all supposed to just abide by, because... like this wedding.

就像文化義務一樣，這些不成文的規定我們都應該遵守，因為⋯⋯就像這場婚禮。

So the bride gathered this group of girls that I was all friends with to ask us to be in her wedding party.

新娘邀請了一群女孩參加她的婚禮，這些女生都是我的朋友。

And personally, I was really surprised, 'cause we aren't very close, we've never really hung out one-on-one, but I was touched!

我個人是真的很驚訝，因為我們不是很親密，我們從來沒有單獨兩人出去玩過，但我很感動！

I thought it was cool, never really been a bridesmaid before, but I remember one girl being really upset.

我認為這很酷，因為以前從沒有當過伴娘，但我記得有一個女孩非常生氣。

This is so messed up! I can't believe she asked us in a group!

這太亂來了！ 我不敢相信她在群組裡問我們！

Now there's no way to say no without embarrassing her.

現在我根本沒有辦法在不讓她尷尬的情況下拒絕她。

She always does this! She bullies everyone into acquiescing!

她總是這樣！她逼大家都要默認！

Saying no, didn't even cross my mind.

「拒絕」這件事我甚至沒有想過。

I did not know that I could do that.

我不知道我其實可以拒絕。

And I wish I knew, because apparently you guys, being a bridesmaid is very expensive and time-consuming.

我希望我當初知道，因為顯然你做伴娘是非常花錢和耗時的。

And you have to be really close to enjoy half of the stuff you're planning and participating in, because, oh my god, it's like a whole thing.

而且你必須跟新娘關係非常親近才能享受你計劃和參與的一半內容，因為，我的天啊，真的很複雜。

It is many whole things.

很多事情又很麻。

But I've experienced this whole like societal pressure and expectation with my extended family, where I am expected to show up in a certain way or communicate in a way I'm not comfortable with.

但我經歷過這一切，比如我的大家族帶給我的社會壓力和期望，我被期望出現以他們想要的樣子出現，或以我不習慣的方式交流。

I've experienced it in my career out of feeling beholden to the idea of networking.

在我的職業生涯中，出於對網路的感激之情，我親身經歷過。

You know, it's even when you feel like you have to attend your partner's events,

就是當你覺得自己被迫得參加另一伴的活動，

or stay connected to people you've long outgrown; obligatory gifts, money, every holiday in existence.

或與感情已淡的人保持聯繫，還有強制送禮、金錢，所有假期。

You know, I am opting out of societal expectation and pressure.

我選擇不再受到社會期望和壓力的脅迫。

Even small moments like,

即使是很小的事情，像是，

(Hey girl! Let's get coffee, like we do every 6 months! It's a shallow relationship where we just recite what's we're going on, but let's do it!)

（嘿，女孩！我們去喝杯咖啡吧，就像我們每六個月才約一次的那樣！我們之間是很膚淺的關係，我們只是重複做一樣的事情，但我們還是去喝個咖啡吧！）

I don't want to. And I don't have to!

我不想去，而且我也不需要去！

Or bigger moments...

或是更重要的時刻，像是，

Hey, Anna, we're leaving for the funeral in 10, okay?

嘿，Anna，我們十點就要出發去參加葬禮了，可以嗎？

Oh, I'm not going.

我沒有要去。

Why not?

為什麼不去？

What do you mean, why not? He was a terrible person, so I don't want to honor his life.

什麼叫為什麼不去？他是一個糟的人，所以我不想去紀念他。

We have to go.

我們得走了。

No, we don't.

沒有，我們沒有。

We were invited.

我們被邀請了。

Yeah, probably because nobody else was.

是沒錯，可能是因為其他人都不都會去。

Anna!

Anna！

What?

幹嘛？

We have to go! It's his funeral! He's dead!

我們必須去！這是他的葬禮！他已經死了！

Yeah, he's dead.So it's not like he's gonna remember whether or not we went.

對啊，他已經死了，所以他根本不會記得我們有沒有去。

And honestly, I don't want to look at that trash heap of a man for another second.

老實說，我不想再看到那個垃圾男人任何一秒鐘。

I had a pretty big shift in pandemic and as my therapist likes to say, you know, women kind of come into their psychological power in their 30s.

我在疫情期間中發生了很大的轉變，正如我的治療師喜歡說的那樣，就是女性在 30 多歲時就開始發揮她們的心理力量。

And I believe I'm freaking Magneto now, because I don't respond to people I don't want to anymore.

而且我相信我現在根本是萬磁王，因為我不再需要回應我不想回應的人。

I don't spend an hour at a lunch or a coffee if I don't want to be there.

我不會花一個小時的時間在我不想去的午餐或咖啡聚會上。

I don't nourish friendships that don't nourish me.

我不會珍惜那些不珍惜我的友誼。

And I'm finally at a point where like, I don't make choices based on what society tells me is right, but rather what I feel is right.

而我現在終於到達我不做基於社會告訴我什麼是正確的選擇，而是我覺得正確的事情的境界。

And in return, I've realized just how much time and money I have spent being uncomfortable and self betraying.

而作為回報，我已經意識到我花了多少時間和金錢在讓自己感到不舒服和自我背叛的事情上。

And why?

為什麼我要這樣做？

So long story short, the girl group I was in had this big rupture and people kind of chose sides.

所以長話短說，這群女孩開始分裂，大家都選邊站。

At least it's kind of how I understand it because no one will have an actual conversation about what happened.

至少我知道的是這樣，因為沒有人真的願意開口聊到底發生了什麼事。

Though I'm sure some of them are watching this. Hi! Hi, thanks for the view on this dying channel.

雖然我相信他們中有一些人正在看這支影片。嗨！你們好，感謝觀看這個即將消失的頻道。

I was uninvited two weeks before the wedding via text,

我在婚禮前兩週被用簡訊告知不用參加婚禮了，

when I had already paid for a bridal dress, made a donation to their house fund and booked my hotel.

當時我已經付了伴娘禮服的費用、捐款給為他們的購屋，還預訂了飯店。

And I was obviously pretty upset about receiving this news out of nowhere.

當我對莫名其妙地收到這個消息時我肯定是感到非常不開心的。

But then I really thought about it, and after I processed being shocked and hurt and then feeling rejected for a thing I didn't even really want to be in in the first place,

但後來我認真想了想，在我因為一件一開始我甚至不想參與的事情被拒絕而感到震驚和受傷後，

I ultimately felt relief.

我最中鬆了一口氣。

'Cause, do I want to go to a wedding when Delta variant is getting around the block?

因為，我真的會想去參加當 Delta 變種病毒正在橫行時舉辦的婚禮嗎？

No.

不想。

Do I want to drive three hours to hang out at a celebration where most of the people have tension with each other?

我真的想開三個小時的車去參加一個大多數人之間的關係都很緊張的婚禮嗎？

No.

不想。

Do I wanna spend an entire weekend smiling and dancing and doing whatever the bride tells me to do because it's her wedding and she doesn't care how I feel?

我真的想花整個週末的時間假笑和跳舞和做任何新娘叫我做的事，只因為這是她的婚禮，所以她不用關心我的感受嗎？

Honestly, no.

老實說，不想。

And this may sound harsh, but as my therapist likes to say, and as I clearly like to parrot,

這聽起來可能很苛刻，但正如我的治療師喜歡說，我也喜歡模仿說的話就是：

"Honoring your boundaries is honoring other people."

「尊重你的界限就是尊重其他人。」

We set our boundaries not to keep other people out, but to keep ourselves in.

我們設定界限不是為了把其他人擋在外面，而是要讓我們自己進入。

And if anything this last year has really taught me (is) that society as we know it is very fundamentally flawed.

如果說去年有發生什麼事情讓我學習到的話，就是這個社會有嚴重的根本性缺陷。

And social pressures and expectations have brought me just years and years of unhappiness that I never noticed 'cause I was too busy gritting my teeth and smiling.

還有社會壓力和期望給我帶來的只是多年的不快樂，只是我從來沒有注意到，因為我太忙於咬牙切齒微笑著。

But no more.

但不再是了。

From now on I'm doing things because I'm excited about them,

從現在起，我做的事情都出於我對它們感到興趣，

because I want to do them, or because I'm showing someone love.

因為我想做這些事，或者因為我在對別人付出愛。

Not because it's expected of me and it's what I'm supposed to do.

不是因為出於對我的期望也不是因為這是我應該做的。

I'm Anna Akana, and thank you to the patrons who supported today's video.

我是 Anna Akana，謝謝所有贊助人贊助今天這支影片。