Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies.

多年來，人們已經想出了很多超級糟糕的道歉方式。

From classic non-apologies to evasive excuses, and flimsy corporate promises,

從經典的不道歉到迴避藉口，再到信不過的官方承諾。

it's all too easy to give a bad apology.

給出糟糕的道歉太過容易。

But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements.

但研究人員發現，好的道歉都有某些共通要素。

And thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends in a wide variety of situations.

深思這些因素能幫助你在各種各樣的情況下做出補償。

Since public apologies have their own unique complications,

由於公開道歉有其獨特複雜性。

we're going to focus on some person-to-person examples.

我們將專注於個人對個人的道歉。

So, picture this: your new office has free ice cream sandwiches in the communal fridge—

想象一下：你的新辦公室有免費的冰淇淋三明治在公共冰箱裡，

or at least, that's what you thought.

或者至少你是這麼想的。

But on Friday, when you're helping your co-worker Terence set up another colleague's birthday party,

但在週五，在幫你同事 Terence 準備另一位同事的生日聚會時，

he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.

他發現他為慶祝活動買的冰激凌有一半都不見了。

While this is obviously an embarrassing accident, coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.

雖然這顯然是個令人尷尬的失誤，挺身而出並道歉仍然是正確的做法。

Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions is what some researchers call the "centerpiece of an apology."

瞭解並接受自己行為所要負的責任就是研究人員所說的「道歉的核心」。

But it's okay if this feels difficult and vulnerable— it's supposed to be!

如果這讓你感到困難和脆弱很正常，本來就應該是這樣的！

The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful.

道歉所要付出高昂的代價也是使其具有意義的原因。

So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental,

所以，雖然你可能會想為你的行為辯護，稱其是偶然。

it's important to remember that a good apology isn't about making you feel better.

要記住，一個好的歉意並不是為了讓你感覺好點。

It's about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party and repair the damage to your relationship.

道歉旨在瞭解被害方的觀點並修復你們關係的損害。

This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful,

這意味著，雖然以非防禦性的方式澄清你的意圖可能會有幫助，

your mistake being an accident shouldn't absolve you from offering a sincere apology.

你也該真誠的道歉，即便你犯的錯是個意外。

But what if your mistake wasn't an accident?

但如果你的錯誤不是個意外呢？

Consider this:

試想如此：

you promised your friend Marie that you'll attend her championship football match.

你答應你朋友 Marie，會去參加她的足球冠軍賽。

But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket for your favorite musician's farewell tour.

但另一個朋友剛剛打電話給你，說要給你一張你最喜歡的藝人告別巡演額外的票。

You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and you can't pass it up.

你知道這是個千載難逢的機會，而你絕不想錯過。

Plus, you figure Marie wouldn't mind if you miss the game— she always has plenty of fans supporting her.

另外，你覺得 Marie 不會介意你沒去比賽，因為她總是有很多粉絲支持她。

But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt when she didn't see you in the crowd.

但第二天，Marie 告訴你她很受傷，因為她沒在人群中看到你。

You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize.

你為讓她難過而感到糟心，並真心實意地想道歉。

But while you regret hurting Marie, you're not actually sure if you made the wrong choice.

但在後悔傷害瑪麗的同時，你不確定自己的選擇是否是錯的。

So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology, "I'm sorry YOU feel this way" ?

那麼，如何做得比「我很抱歉你這麼覺得」這種爛道歉好呢？

In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions when you should be working to understand the other person's perspective.

在這樣的情況下，人很容易專注於合理化自己的行為，但其實該努力去理解對方的觀點。

Consider asking Marie how you made them feel to better understand your offense.

你可以詢問 Marie 的感受，以更好地瞭解自己哪裡冒犯到對方。

In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed you broke your promise,

在這種情況下，Marie 可能會解釋說她很失望你違背了你的承諾，

and she was really counting on your support.

而且她真的指望著你的支持。

This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.

這種解釋可以幫助你認識到自己的錯誤，並誠實地接受自己行為所造成的傷害。

Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns,

然後，你可以圍繞著解決困擾她的地方來道歉。

perhaps by admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise, and you're sorry you weren't there for her.

也許可以承認自己違背承諾的錯誤，並且表示你很抱歉沒能在那支持他。

Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know exactly how you messed up,

明確承認錯誤表明你確切知道自己哪裡搞砸了，

and it can give Marie faith that you'll behave differently moving forward.

也能讓 Marie 相信你未來會表現得不同。

But it's always helpful to indicate exactly how you'll change and what you'll do to repair the damage caused by your offense.

而確切指出自己將如何改變，以及你將採取什麼措施來修復你行為所造成的損害總是很有幫助的。。

Researchers call this the "offer of repair,"

研究人員稱之為「修復提議」。

and it's often rated as one of the most critical parts of an apology.

而它經常被認為是道歉中最關鍵的一部分。

In some cases, these gestures are straightforward,

在某些情況下，這些行動可以是直截了當的，

like offering to replace the ice cream you ate.

比如說提議補上你吃掉的冰淇淋。

However, with less tangible transgressions, this might need to be more symbolic,

然而，在不太明顯的過失下，這可能更具象徵意義。

like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.

比如表達你對對方的愛和尊重。

One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment not to make the same mistake again,

一個常見的修復提議是口頭承諾不會再犯同樣的錯誤。

but promising to do better only works if you actually do better.

但只有當你真的做得更好時，承諾才會有效。

Taking the victim's perspective, accepting responsibility, and making concrete offers of repair are just a few of the elements of a good apology.

從受害者的角度出發、接受責任，並提出具體修復建議只是好的道歉中的幾個要素。

But remember, apologies aren't about getting forgiveness and moving on;

但請記住，道歉並不是為了獲得寬恕和讓事情過去。

they're about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.

道歉旨在表達悔意和接受責任。

And the best apologies are just the first step on the road to reconciliation.

而良好的道歉也只是通往和解道路上的第一步。