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  • Ah, hello sir, Welcome to Mcdonald's.

  • May I take your order?

  • Hold on.

  • I'm thinking, hmm.

  • Oh, that's fine.

  • Just let me know when you've decided, decided on what I'm thinking about.

  • A really funny thing.

  • I said last night.

  • Oh, so you weren't even thinking about what to order now?

  • Why are you laughing?

  • I told you I said that hilarious thing last night.

  • Oh man.

  • So classic.

  • So this wall bat and a rabbi walk into a bar care to join us here.

  • In reality there's a line forming behind you.

  • There is a man did grapefruit drop.

  • But on my, but again, I'm not saying there's a line on your behind.

  • I'm saying there's a line of customers behind you.

  • Oh, hey, why is that funny?

  • It isn't.

  • But that thing I said last night sure is.

  • I'm telling you, you wouldn't believe what comes out of the wombats mouth.

  • Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it was a real knee slapper.

  • What would you like to order?

  • Okay, sure.

  • Give me a bacon eater, sir.

  • This isn't a Wendy's but you said I could have it my way.

  • That's burger king And I'm not royalty.

  • This isn't a burger king.

  • No.

  • Is this a Taco Bell?

  • No.

  • Is this a bar?

  • Why would you think this is a bar?

  • I guess I was just hoping because maybe that hilarious wombat would be here, sir.

  • You're at a Mcdonald's.

  • Oh, well, in that case.

  • I'll have one farm please.

  • What?

  • We don't have farms.

  • Of course you do.

  • Your jingle even says so ei ei.

  • Oh no, that's not even our jingle then.

  • What is your jingle?

  • It's a, I'm oven matt.

  • I remember it now.

  • I love that jingle one oven mitt please.

  • We don't sell oven mitts.

  • Sheesh.

  • Talk about false advertising sir.

  • You need to order something off the menu or leave.

  • Okay, let me think.

  • Hmm, hmm.

  • Could you make me think faster?

  • Mm and less loudly what you say?

  • I can't hear you over all my thinking sir.

  • Please order something.

  • Okay, okay, give me a pizza that isn't on the menu.

  • Oh, sorry.

  • I meant a Mc Pizza wrong again.

  • Oh, I forgot to phrase it as a question.

  • What is a Mc pizza time to go sir?

  • McX?

  • Why?

  • Because I said so.

  • Is it because I have no mcs shoes and Nomex shirt?

  • I'm sorry, but I have no muk body.

  • That is not why I'm refusing you service.

  • Also stop putting nick in front of everything you say fine.

  • I'm never coming to this.

  • Donald's again.

  • That's not our name.

  • Sorry Donald, but you can't have it your way.

  • This apparently isn't a burger king.

  • Oh look, what do I need to do to get you to leave?

  • Easy.

  • Just give me a Mcflurry Are Mcflurry machine is broken.

  • Something stuck in there.

  • We can't figure out what it is and no sweat.

  • Donald.

  • I'll just pick something else.

  • I am so not getting paid enough for this malarkey.

  • Really?

  • This is the worst shift of my life buddy.

  • What the heck is so funny to you want bat?

  • Oh right.

  • I forgot about your spontaneous wombat memory.

  • No wombat.

  • Oh, pull that fight also scratches when you wish upon a whoo.

  • I can't believe I finally made it to Disneyland.

  • Coming here has always been a fantasy land of mine ticket.

  • Mm thick it ticket ticket ticket ticket, then flick it, sir.

  • I'm not trying to make rhymes with you.

  • I need to see your ticket.

  • You're not allowed into Disneyland unless you have a Sorry, what'd you say?

  • I couldn't hear you over the screens on that roller coaster.

  • I just went on, wait, wait, you just went on a roller coaster.

  • How is that even possible now?

  • I just got my picture taken with mickey.

  • I did that roller coaster like forever ago.

  • Geez sir, I need to see your ticket now.

  • What you talking about?

  • How can I have a ticket when I don't have any pockets?

  • Well, you don't have a nose either.

  • Doesn't mean I don't want to punch it.

  • Oh man, that was a good one.

  • Wait, wait, wait, how the heck did you get a dole whip?

  • What'd you say?

  • I couldn't hear you over the slurping noise I make every time I lick this dole whip.

  • I said sir, would you stop slurping that dole whip for two seconds.

  • No worries, I'm finished.

  • Besides, I got this cool sword.

  • Now look how much noise it makes.

  • Hey, look, I don't know how in the heck you keep getting into Disneyland without a ticket, but you need to stop it now You hear me not very well, but I have an idea how to improve my hearing to just tell me how you keep sneaking into the happiest place on earth.

  • Well, it's always quite the adventure land.

  • I can tell you that much land sir.

  • Yes.

  • Land.

  • You realize we don't just put the word land afterwards at random.

  • Right?

  • Oh really?

  • Land.

  • Stop it.

  • Why land sir?

  • I'm not gonna ask you again.

  • This is your final frontier land.

  • That's it.

  • That's it.

  • Give me those big ears right now.

  • You do not deserve to wear them.

  • Help.

  • Give up to me.

  • No, yes, no land.

  • Now get out of here and never come back.

  • You hear me Well, how can I?

  • You took my ears dole whip.

  • Look, let's just get you a ticket.

  • That way you can go into the park and be out of my life forever.

  • A wicket.

  • What do I need a wicket for?

  • I said ticket.

  • Cricket ticket, Lemony snicket ticket.

  • Benedict cumberbatch.

  • Okay, now that did not sound anything like what I said sorry, but how would I know that?

  • Remember how you took my ears?

  • Yes, I remember that look.

  • Just, just go in.

  • Okay, I no longer care.

  • Just go in and and and never return.

  • Thanks friend.

  • See you tomorrow.

  • Land, wow!

  • Happiest place on earth.

  • My patootie!

  • We Yeah.

  • Hey, watch it, would you?

  • What's the matter?

  • I thought you liked low prices.

  • We do.

  • Well it doesn't get lower than the floor so you're welcome.

  • Can I help you?

  • Yeah, I'm looking for my yellow colored twin.

  • Oh, found him.

  • Dude, we do not look the same.

  • Sure we do.

  • We're both round.

  • We both have a face.

  • We both love to roll back.

  • Would you stop doing that?

  • Sorry.

  • But these jokes just come to me.

  • I'm telling you my mind's going to smile a minute.

  • Well just keep your thoughts to yourself.

  • Would you pal?

  • Sure thing mart.

  • Wait, why don't you just call me mart?

  • That's your name, isn't it?

  • No, my name's smiley.

  • Really?

  • Because it says walmart and you are on the wall.

  • Yeah.

  • Dude, that's the name of the store.

  • That's so confusing.

  • Is it though?

  • Okay.

  • Listen what is you want?

  • Why are you here?

  • How can I help you so that you can leave this tour and never return?

  • Oh yeah I had a question about your return policy.

  • I get up with that.

  • What's your question?

  • Does the return policy apply to boomerangs?

  • Of course sporting goods accepts returns.

  • Why do you ask?

  • Because I found one on a shelf a couple of minutes ago and through it.

  • Oh there it is.

  • Thanks.

  • You've been a huge help mart.

  • My name is not mart.

  • Oh I had another question.

  • What do you sell here.

  • What do you mean it's walmart we sell everything.

  • Okay.

  • I want to buy a cow?

  • We don't sell cows.

  • Dude.

  • A horse.

  • A goat.

  • Really?

  • Any livestock will do also.

  • I want to buy a vowel.

  • We don't have any of those.

  • Yeesh.

  • Talk about false advertising.

  • Okay, fine.

  • I'll just buy one.

  • Blimp and be on my way.

  • Oh guy, you seriously think we sell blimps here?

  • Well, at this point, I'm not sure you sell anything here so far.

  • You haven't had a single item on my shopping list?

  • Whoa.

  • Are you frowning?

  • I didn't know.

  • Smiley faces.

  • Good Brown.

  • I'm not frowning.

  • No one, no one is frowning.

  • Okay.

  • It's my job to smile.

  • So I'm absolutely smiling.

  • See all the time.

  • All the time.

  • Smiling.

  • Okay, well that's a relief.

  • Hey, I bet your favorite artist is smiley Cyrus, isn't it?

  • Joke was so bad smile.

  • Remember I mean really, really funny joke.

  • Orange.

  • Glad you liked it mart.

  • That isn't my name.

  • Would you please leave?

  • What?

  • Why?

  • Because you're incredibly annoying.

  • I'm not annoying.

  • I'm an orange.

  • I want you to leave now.

  • Okay.

  • Okay, I'll go get it.

  • I'll like, I'll five.

  • Yes, I get it go.

  • I would.

  • Except I feel like I had something I needed to tell you.

  • Oh really?

  • Probably some joke.

  • No doubt.

  • What was it mart?

  • That is not my name.

  • Oh, you know what?

  • It just came back to me, spit it out then.

  • What?

  • What what is so incredibly important that just came back to you, boomerang.

  • Huh, wow, would you look at that?

  • Floor marks?

  • A floor mat.

  • Ar har very funny.

  • Now would you please put me back up on the hey what the Oh watch where you're walking jerks.

  • Oh my face.

  • Hey, easy there.

  • Floor mart.

  • Don't criticize until you've walked a smile in their shoes.

  • No, Huh?

  • No, just put me back on the wall.

  • I'm the walmart mascot man, I'm along the wall.

  • No, no man, I'm gonna miss that guy.

  • Hey hey, target.

  • Oh jeez ready eh?

  • Bullseye.

  • Bullseye.

  • Try my eye dude, what are you doing shooting that thing in here?

  • Why wouldn't I shoot it in here?

  • You sell them in here?

  • Seriously?

  • Dude, Also for the last time I am not to be used for target practice.

  • That's right.

  • Put away the bazooka.

  • I don't even know where you found that.

  • We definitely don't sell those here.

  • Oh I found it under there.

  • Really?

  • The old?

  • Under their joke, I'm not falling for that.

  • Falling for what?

  • You know what?

  • You're trying to get me to say the thing we sell in aisle five socks.

  • No, the other thing, reasonably priced undershirts.

  • The other thing, you know underwear made you say underwear?

  • Dude, that doesn't count.

  • You didn't get me?

  • Yes, I did.

  • No you didn't.

  • Yes, I did know you OK.

  • Look how can I get you out of my store as quickly as possible.

  • Can I help you find anything?

  • Yeah, I'm looking for a bazooka.

  • Great.

  • Well apparently there's one under there so just take that one and leave under there.

  • What do you mean I mean there's a bazooka under there.

  • Beneath where?

  • Look, I'm honestly trying to help you.

  • I don't know where you found it.

  • I don't know where you hit it all you said was it was under there.

  • Below where?

  • I don't know.

  • It's just under there underneath where I am not trying to trick you into saying underwear.

  • Okay.

  • Yes.

  • Okay.

  • I said it underwear, underwear, underwear, laugh if you want but just take your bazooka and leave my store.

  • Okay.

  • Okay, geez leave.

  • Thank goodness.

  • I just have a couple other items to throw in my cart before I go.

  • Do you have sporting goods?

  • You're in sporting goods?

  • Whoa, you weren't kidding.

  • Forget sporting goods.

  • These are sporting greats.

  • Yes, yes, we have a great selection now.

  • Please throw whatever you need in your cart and sorry, missed the cart.

  • Oh that one too.

  • Would you stop drawing baseballs.

  • four.

  • Not in here.

  • They're not good point.

  • I guess they're also meant to be hit with a bat.

  • Okay, just a couple more things on my list then.

  • I'll run home, get it like home run.

  • Yes, it was so funny, I forgot to laugh.

  • Okay, I need thumbtacks, steak knives, scissors, and an archery set.

  • You seem to have missed the cart again.

  • Whoa.

  • Sorry about that hitting you with all those pointy objects was not my aim.

  • Look now that your list is complete.

  • Please just leave.

  • But there's still one item left.

  • I gotta find that Szoka for the last time.

  • Only.

  • You know where you stashed it.

  • If I had to venture a guess it's located underwear.

  • If you quiet down and stop asking questions, I will tell you know I mean, I found it stashed under the underwear.

  • Yes, simply hilarious.

  • Now if you would kindly put the safety on and safety, where's the safety?

  • The orange button under there.

  • Hey, are you trying to get me to say it?

  • No, it's actually under there.

  • No, I'm not falling for that.

  • If you would just look under.

  • No, not falling for it.

  • Orange.

  • No way Jose.

  • I'm serious.

  • No siree bob.

  • Seriously!

  • Dude, put the safety on before.

  • Hey, Hey, greenie Weenie.

  • Hey, I'm sorry, what?

  • Hey, what?

  • Hey, what do you want?

  • Why you vegging out on that chair?

  • I am sitting here just as any normal fruit or vegetable would because that's what I am completely normal now.

  • No, my buddies and I usually hang out on the counter, not a chair.

  • I do not wish to discuss this any further and communique.

  • Okay, but if somebody decides to use that chair, you're gonna be in deep sit enough of this attempted humor.

  • I am Mark, zucchini berg.

  • I am a real zucchini.

  • I founded the popular website food book And did I mention that I am a real zucchini and definitely not a computer.

  • Who told you I am a computer, Was it bill grapes?

  • Because he's a liar.

  • No one you just have some microchips poking out of your butt flap there.

  • You saw nothing.

  • Do you understand nothing.

  • Got it.

  • I definitely didn't not see nothing.

  • Wait, are you saying you saw something or did you not see something?

  • No, I never didn't not see nothing.

  • No sir.

  • My eight core processor.

  • I mean my brain is having difficulty comprehending these things you are saying.

  • Listen Mark, it could not be simpler.

  • I did never, never, never.

  • No way, no how not see nothing.

  • Let us move on.

  • Yeah the conversations kind of losing its spark.

  • Tell me do you use food book?

  • Well duh everyone in the kitchen uses food book.

  • I use it for the teeth whitening filter, my ocular receptors.

  • I mean my eyes.

  • Hey you got some microchips coming out of your butt again.

  • Again.

  • I had that latch fixed just last week man, that's a real bum.

  • Look at your bum, look just answer some questions, let me harvest the data so I can better serve you some advertisements and I will be on my way first.

  • What are some of your hobbies?

  • Food book wants to know the types of activities its users enjoy mostly nan yang yang, not computing what is that?

  • And touching my tongue to my eye.

  • What?

  • And burping on my friends when they're not expecting it?

  • I think I've heard enough.

  • Oh and I also like playing football.

  • Oh that seems quite normal.

  • Yeah.

  • You wanna play?

  • I'm almost finished with my football.

  • If you see any feet laying around, just stick them to the ball.

  • This cannot be normal behavior.

  • What you talking about real food, stuff like this.

  • But you know that right?

  • Because you are a real food, right?

  • Um Yes, yes.

  • I am a real food and I believe you football is a very popular sport that I uh as a real food enjoy very much indeed.

  • That's more like it.

  • I say anyone who doesn't like football is a hell ha!

  • Tell me which food book features in your opinion could be improved upon.

  • I don't wish the teeth whitening filter could get my teeth a little whiter.

  • No.

  • Well there is this one thing.

  • Sometimes I get the feeling that other foods on the site are well, you mean like, I think they might not be real foods?

  • I think they're robots.

  • Ha!

  • You make me laugh.

  • Ha ha ha!

  • I'm sure that every food on food book is 100% real.

  • We do not have bots capable of behaving like real foods.

  • Yeah, but let us move on from all this robot talk.

  • It is making my CPU nervous.

  • Okay, but look I said let us move on.

  • No, but oh I see.

  • Thank you.

  • Now, are there any other food book features you would like to?

  • But, huh?

  • I told you not to stand there.

  • Are you gonna explode?

  • I am not going to explode.

  • I am a real vegetable and give it up.

  • All right.

  • Yes, I am a robot.

  • But I assure you I'm not going to explode unless my sparks touch something extremely flammable.

Ah, hello sir, Welcome to Mcdonald's.

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