...to this.

♪ [ Yakuza 0 OST - 24 Hour Cinderella ] ♪ ♪ Truly I LOVE YOU! ♪

♪ I'll send it to you ♪

♪ Surely YOU LOVE ME! ♪

♪ It is conveyed ♪

Back to this,

and then...

Oh.

What in the name of fuck?

And then back,

and then

♪ [ Yakuza 0 OST - Friday night ] ♪

[ Dunkey cackles ]

♪ ♪ ♪

[Clap]

♪ ♪ ♪

Yakuza has an incredible ability

to betray its own serious tone

with ridiculous bombastic spectacle.

It masterfully crafts dark cinematic tension

and memorable characters

with commanding emotive voice acting.

You have these grizzled beat up looking villains

with their entire history written right there on their face.

They're so evil and hateable,

and right when the game's got you, and you're yelling,

"YEAH! NOW LEMME FUCKING KICK THIS GUY'S ASS!"

"NOW HERE WE GO!"

Huh?

It barrages you with lame-ass tutorials

"Yeah!"

and a headache of bizarre systems,

that struggle to complement each other.

But the storytelling is so captivating towards the start,

"Hey, boy!"

that it glides you through the monotony.

As the training wheels start to come off though

the story starts slipping by introducing

a lot of weak sub-plots.

"Oh, boy!"

For a game about beating the ever living

shit out of everyone,

this game pulls a lot of punches.

Characters get shot and then

they're completely fine two seconds later,

because the gun only does a third of your health bar.

You fight your through three hundred guys

to get to the Big Boss, and then he says

"Ahhh, that was just a test to see if I could trust you."

Finally, you encounter the fucking dickhead villain.

Do you get to rip his fucking head off?

Nope. Both of the segments are Batman, uh,

can't kill anybody and now you're best friends.

And it had me, then it lost me.

Then it starts reeling me back in.

Nope, suitcase.

Oh, shit! This dude killed my father?

And he says Mario 64 sucks dick?

Uhhh, I'mma have to beat his ass!

Huh?

The thing is Yakuza's town is so

spring-loaded with stuff to do,

that you can almost forget the core story entirely.

You got racing, grambling

"Out..."

"...Run!"

this shit,

baseball,

darts,

pool,

dancing.

You have these business mini games

when you walk up to a store with a briefcase and go

"I'll buy the money!"

You can go bowling and win a

chicken to be one of your managers.

This is real.

You also have 300.000 hilarious,

fucking goofy ass side missions,

you got one where you impersonate a movie producer.

You have to get this guy's pants,

you have to wait in line for the Switch,

you inadvertently shape taxing policies

for years to come.

There's one where you protect Michael Jackson

from zombies, while he moonwalks down the street.

They thought of everything.

To be honest,

this entire game is just a bonus distraction

from the real game.

The Karaoke.

[ Dunkey laughs ] ♪ I am no good. No good ♪

Who is the man, who came up this shit?

Give him the award, okay?

'For Best Man'

Words cannot describe,

how incredible this stupid ass thing is.

♪ No matter how str-

I think with a bolder, more memorable

story this would have been a classic.

But if you give this game a chance,

you'll find a lot to love about Yakuza Zero.

This is real! This is in the game.

♪ dun-dun-dun-dunkey ♪