Without really knowing exactly what this meant  at the time, we understood on some level that  

what we were doing, how we were behaving and  interacting with another, was not ok. We were  

doing what we wanted to or with this other  person, but what we wanted was a problem. 

As we grew older, this guidance to be nice  continued to be facilitated and reinforced—from  

parents to teachers, from religious figures to  cartoon aardvarks and tv commercials about soda.  

In a world where there are awful people, where  awful things happen, where existence in even  

its most basic, optimal form is filled  with chaos and hardship and suffering,  

the guidance to be nice, and striving to  be nice, is unequivocally a good thing.  

But for many of us, this is about where  it ends, and the crucial nuances of what  

it means to be kind in a complicated  world, and the potential consequences  

of misunderstanding how to be, are left out  without further guidance or clarification. 

Of course, nice is a relatively vague  term and subject to multiple definitions  

and interpretations. So, to be clear, niceness  here is to mean a sort of substantial aversion  

to negatively affecting others in any way; a  willingness to always accommodate or agree with  

others; to say yes; to be quiet; to put one’s  own views, sensibilities, and desires in second  

or last place. Of course, this definition may  differ from what some may hold the term to mean,  

but that is part of the problem. Niceness is  so easily misunderstood. This sort of niceness,  

though it may seem pleasant, on balance and  over even a relatively short period of time,  

is harmful to all involved parties—the so-called  nice person and everyone they interact with. 

The consequences of this sort of niceness might  lead one to always says that they like or agree  

with what everyone else immediately around them  does. It might lead one into jobs they don’t like,  

working with or for people and companies  they don’t agree with. It might lead one  

into bad business deals or creative  collaborations where one is ignored  

at best or taken advantage of at worst. It  might lead one to withhold useful ideas or  

doubts that counter or challenge other people  involved in a shared project or endeavor. It  

might lead to one saying yes to every invite  or opportunity even when they aren’t at all  

what one wants to do. And it might lead  one into dreadful, one-sided friendships  

and relationships, or to staying in friendships  and relationships that have been long-since over. 

Generally, the nice person’s goal is  presumably to be nice, but not only does  

this sort of niceness open oneself up to being  taken advantage of, misunderstood, misplaced,  

and so forth, but it is also a sort of covert  selfishness and unfaithful deception. In truth,  

always agreeing with what a person says or wants  is not an affirmation that one cares about what  

that person thinks or wants, but rather, it is a  demonstration that one cares more about how others  

think and feel about them. It is a sacrifice of an  authentic and caring interaction for the purpose  

of favorable self-preservation. The nice person is  not truly listening or responding to what is being  

said or done or requested. They are performing  a show for an audience they so desperately want  

to be reviewed favorably for. The nice person  interacts with and reacts to others in specific  

ways not as an authentic participant but as a  means to demonstrate, or perform, a favorable  

appearance without concern for the actual  consequences or outcomes of their performance. 

As a participant in friendships,  relationships, work collaborations,  

and society at large, we contribute  negatively by contributing falsely. Thus,  

this sort of niceness often isn’t even outwardly  nice—even if comes from a well-intended place. 

Moreover, as time passes, the nice person can only  withstand misaligned or disingenuous relationships  

and arrangements for so long before a resentment  and displeasure is bound to harbor inside them,  

which ultimately either leads to  impairing real opportunities or  

causes a slow-burn and tortuous  prolonging of an inevitable end. 

If we truly wish to be good and meaningful  contributors to our social relations, our work,  

our self, we must recognize the different kinds of  niceness. Here, we can refer to the more optimal  

kind as kindness. And what kindness calls for is  a reasonable degree of authentic participation,  

care, and honesty with others, which often  necessitates disagreements and arguments,  

uncomfortable moments and conversations,  and the termination of relationships  

and circumstances that no longer work. Telling someone bluntly how and why you are  

frustrated with how they’ve upheld, or not upheld,  their side of an agreement or collaboration,  

or not agreeing to one at all, may not sound  nice, but it is and it will be—to you and to them.  

Telling a partner how frustrated you are  with their unwillingness to meet you halfway  

on reasonable compromises or preferences  may not be pleasant, but in the long run,  

it is, and it will be. Turning down invitations or  opportunities or deals that you aren’t interested  

in might not feel very respectful or considerate,  but it is, and it will be. Telling a friend that  

they’re actions, in your opinion, are foolish  or bothersome or unreasonable may not feel nice,  

but it is, and it will be. And for those who  can’t see that it is, or don’t stick around  

to try to or work through it, having that be  the last interaction with them may not seem  

very fair or nice, but it is, and it will be. We must learn how and continually try to trust  

that we can be ok without certain people, without  the universal approval and agreement of everyone,  

without every friendship or relationship, without  every collaboration or invite or deal. Think of  

all the time saved. Think of all the illusions  and misunderstandings and impossible divergences  

prevented. Think of all the resentment  and disdain and confusion never harbored. 

Of course, none of this is to make light of the  difficulty of anything discussed here. Nor is  

it to accuse guilt or shame onto those who have  or continue to act with this sort of niceness.  

The nice person is most often just that: a nice  person trying their best, understandably misguided  

in how to best go about it. It is a complicated  world filled with platitudes and contradictory  

instruction. And for many, the problem is only  further exasperated, or perhaps caused entirely,  

by a shattered sense of confidence, which has been  shattered through no fault of one’s own. We can  

understand this in others through kindness. And we  can work through it in ourselves through kindness.  

The kind that isn’t always comfortable  or easy; the kind that doesn’t always  

make you everyone’s favorite; but the kind  that is effective and shows a willingness  

to turn one’s positive intentions and hopes  into real, positive outcomes in the world.