spectrum, where there’s so little actual content to the game that I have to resort

to flowery language just to fill four minutes’ time. And then there are the games that are

so unspeakably massive that I know that anything I say, even if I did the whole talking-fast

thing, would merely scratch the surface.

As far as MMOs go, Final Fantasy XI is an odd bird. Perhaps due to the international

success of the Final Fantasy brand, Square Enix decided at the outset to integrate their

servers, racially speaking. You could be fighting alongside a Japanese PLD, a French BLM, a

Canadian COR, all in the same party and working toward the same ends: More EXP, more gil,

more things to obtain. Some concepts are universally understood. For everything else, there’s

an autotranslate system that replaces simple phrases, place names, and items with text

objects that resolve dependent on the client seeing it. It’s not exactly the United Nations,

but it’s been working fairly well since... really, it’s been that long?

October of ‘03. Over eight years now in the US, and closer to 10 in Japan. And you

don’t have a game running for eight years without change. Time used to be that, unless

you were a Black Mage or Ranger, you didn’t get invited to EXP parties, and you didn’t

get EXP outside of parties because the mobs you’d have to kill were unspeakably vicious

to a lone player. That was then. These days, there are so many bonuses, buffs, and new

features that you can play the game more myopically if you wish, but where’s the fun in that?

It seems these achievements are no longer considered the hardest in the whole of XBoxdom.

But wait, the 360 didn’t even exist in October ‘03. But the PC did, and those players were

playing right along with the already-released Japanese PS2 version, the flagship software

for the short-lived PS2 hard drive. The good news is that the world finally had its first

truly cross-platform MMORPG. The bad news is that, even today, the XBox 360 and PC versions

are hamstrung by continuing to support the PS2.

See? It’s been how many minutes and I’ve only barely touched on the game itself, as

opposed WHY the game works the way it does. There is actual gameplay! It doesn’t just

play itself... well, kinda. You don’t actually attack your foes directly, rather you lock

onto them with an attack command and from that point out, your basic weapon swings are

rigorously timed by the delay value of your weapon, and augmented by various factors on

your other 15 pieces of gear. And then there’s an update, and a new shiny object, and the

great wheels of progress and power creep spin up again. Because fashion is smashin’, the

true meaning of it.

I could easily do a five-minute analysis of each of the game’s 20 jobs, and even that

would be barely enough to do some of the more eclectic classes justice. The quick and dirty

version follows: Warrior, Monk, Thief, and Red, Black, and White Mage are available from

the outset, and if that list sounds familiar, you’ve probably played Final Fantasy 1.

Everything else requires completing a quest to unlock: Paladins tank things and cure themselves,

Ninja were supposed to be a ranged-attack and debuff class until it was found that they

tank better than Paladins, Rangers shoot things with bows, Beastmasters and Summoners subcontract

their beatdowns, Dragoons enlist the service of a baby dragon as a damage sidecar, Bards

buff the party by singing, Corsairs buff the party by... playing blackjack... Dark Knights

and Samurai hit things really hard, Puppetmasters get to build their teammate from scratch (with

a whole lot of money), Dancers inflict all sorts of weird debuffs in melee range, Scholars

are schizophrenic mages, able to choose the Light Side or the Dark Side as the situation

calls, and...

… well, let’s just say that Final Fantasy V, their point of origin, afforded Blue Mages

30 spells. 11’s blue mages? 150ish. Somewhere around there. Honestly, I lost count. I blame

the bagpipes. And catgirls. Final Fantasy XI is the true black sheep, sequestered in

its place as the MMO no one played, except the thousands who did, and unable to gather

the attention of its woefully defective little brother 14. And then Shantotto shows up in

Dissidia and people are interested again. Funny how that works.