This is my father, Clinton George Bageye Grant.

他是我爸 柯林頓˙喬治˙泡泡眼˙葛蘭

He’s called Bageye because he has permanent bags under his eyes.

之所以叫泡泡眼 是因為他永遠都眼睛浮腫

As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings, I dreamt of scraping off the poison from fly-killer paper into his coffee,

10歲的我和兄弟姊妹們 常想著刮下黏蠅紙上的毒粉 放到他咖啡裡

grounded down glass and sprinkling it over his breakfast,

把玻璃磨碎 灑在他早餐上

loosening the carpet on the stairs so he would trip and break his neck.

把樓梯地毯弄鬆 害他絆倒 摔斷脖子

But come the day, he would always skip that loose step, he would always bow out of the house without so much as a swig of coffee or a bite to eat.

陷阱都設好那天 他總會跳過鬆脫的地毯、只喝幾滴咖啡或幾口早餐 然後毫髮無傷的出門

And so for many years, I feared that my father would die before I had a chance to kill him.

許多年來 我總怕在我有機會除掉他之前 他就會先掛掉

Up until our mother asked him to leave and not come back, Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.

他一直都像頭怪物 後來媽媽總算叫他離開再也別回來

He teetered permanently on the verge of rage, rather like me, as you see.

他陰晴不定 我遺傳了這一點

He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton and demanded total silence throughout the house, so that

他在盧頓的汽車廠上夜班 下令房子裡保持絕對安靜

when we came home from school at 3:30 in the afternoon, we’d huddle beside the TV, and rather like safe crackers,

我們3點半從學校回家時 會擠在電視旁 像保險箱竊賊一樣

we’d twiddle with the volume control knob on the TV so it was almost inaudible.

把調節音量鈕滑來滑去 盡量不發出聲音

And at times, when we were like this, so much “Shhh,” so much “Shhh” going on in the house,

每次這樣時 就會不停聽到「噓～」、「噓」的聲音

that I imagined us to be like the German crew of a U-boat

我想像我們是U艇裡的德軍

creeping along the edge of the ocean whilst up above, on the surface, HMS Bageye patrolled,

在海平面上鬼鬼祟祟 皇家泡泡眼軍艦號四處巡邏

ready to drop death charges at the first sound of any disturbance.

聽到任何風吹草動 就開槍掃射

So that lesson was the lesson that “Do not draw attention to yourself either in the home or outside of the home.” Maybe it’s a migrant lesson.

我們學到的教訓是「不管在家裡或是外頭 都別惹人注意」 也許這就是移民的生存法則

We were to be below the radar, so there was no communication, really, between Bageye

我們盡可能保持低調 所以和他完全沒互動

and us and us an Bageye, and the sound that we most looked forward to,

我們和泡泡眼之間 泡泡眼和我們之間 小孩最期待的

you know when you’re a child and you want your father to come home and it’s all going to be happy

就是爸爸回家那一刻 歡樂的家庭時光

and you’re waiting for that sound of the door opening.

他們盼望著門打開時的聲響

Well the sound that we looked forward to was the click of the door closing, which meant he’d gone

我們期待的卻是門關上的聲響 代表他走了

and would not come back.

再也不會回來

So for three decades, I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.

30年來我從未正眼瞧過父親 他也一樣

We never spoke to each other for three decades, and then a couple of years ago, I decided to turn the spotlight on him.

30年來沒說過一句話 幾年前 我決定正視和爸爸之間的關係

“You are being watched. Actually you are. You are being watched.”

「人們緊盯著你的一舉一動 就是這樣 他們緊盯著你」

That was his mantra to us, his children.

那是他對自己骨肉的諄諄教誨

Time and time again he would say this to us.

他真的很常說那些話

And this was the 1970s, it was Luton, where he worked at Vauxhall Motors, and he was a Jamaican.

當時背景是「1970年代、盧頓、佛賀車廠的牙買加工人」

And what he meant was, you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant are being watched

他想說的是 作為一個牙買加移民的後代 人們時刻都在監視著你

to see which way you turn, to see whether you conform to the host nation’s stereotype of you,

看你的一舉一動 符不符合他們心中的刻板印象－

of being feckless, work-shy, destined for a life of crime.

魯莽、懶惰、注定過著犯罪人生

You are being watched, so confound their expectations of you.

正因為大家都看著 你更得證明你不是他們想的那種人

To that end, Bageye and his friends, mostly Jamaican,

最後泡泡眼和他的朋友 大多是牙買加人

exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura,

就會擺出神氣的牙買加人姿態

Turn your best side to the world, show your best face to the world.

展現最好的一面 用最佳狀態面對這世界

If you have seen some of the images of the Caribbean people arriving in the 40s and 50s,

如果你有看過一些40、50年代加勒比海移民的照片

you might have noticed that a lot of the men wear trilbies.

大概會發現許多人都戴呢帽

Now, there was no tradition of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.

牙買加其實沒有戴呢帽的傳統

They invented that tradition for their arrival here. They wanted to project themselves in a way that they wanted to be perceived,

他們來到這兒後 為了塑造自己在他人眼中的形象 才興起了那種風潮

so that the way they looked and the names that they gave themselves defined them.

他們用外表和自稱定義自己

So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.

所以「泡泡眼」是眼睛浮腫的禿頭

Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.

「閃亮亮靴」對腳上穿的非常挑剔

Anxious is always anxious.

「焦慮」永遠都焦躁不安

Clock has one arm longer than the other.

外號叫「時鐘」的 一隻手比另一隻長

And my all time favorite was the guy they called Summerwear.

我最喜歡的是一個叫「夏日行頭」的傢伙

When Summerwear came to this country from Jamaica in the early 60s, he insisted on wearing light summer suits, no matter the weather,

他60年代來到這裡時 不管天氣如何 總是堅持穿輕便的夏裝

and in the course of researching their lives, I asked my mom,

回顧他們的人生歷程時 我問我媽:

“Whatever became of Summerwear?”

「『夏日行頭』後來怎麼了？」

And she said, “He caught a cold and died.”

她回我: 「重感冒 掛了」

But men like Summerwear taught us the importance of style.

但「夏日行頭」告訴了我們個人風格的重要性

Maybe they exaggerated their style because they thought that they were not considered to be quite civilized.

他們或許過了頭 因為他們不想被人覺得沒文化

And they transferred that generational attitude or anxiety onto us, the next generation,

他們將那世代的態度、焦慮加諸在下一代身上

so much so that when I was growing up, if ever on the television, news, or radio a report came up about a black person committing some crime,

成長過程中 如果電視新聞、收音機裡報導哪個黑人犯了什麼罪－

a mugging, a murder, a burglary, we winced along with our parents,

搶劫、謀殺、竊盜的話 我們就會和父母害怕的蜷縮在一起

Because they were letting the side down.

因為他們破壞了移民的形象

You did no just represent yourself. You represented the group,

他不只代表個人 更代表了這個群體

and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with, in a way, that

某方面來說 很難接受

maybe you were going to be perceived in the same light.

也許自己餘生都得活在那種異樣眼光下

So that was what was needed to be challenged.

所以那就是我們要改變的

Our father and many of his colleagues

我父親和他的同事

exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving. They were built to transmit but not receive.

不想只是一味的接受 所以決定扮演傳播的角色 他們的任務是積極散播 而非被動接收

We were to keep quiet.

我們都習慣了沉默

When our father did speak to us, it was from the pulpit of his mind.

當他真的開口時 也不是發自內心的對我們說話

They clung to certainty in the belief that doubt would undermine them.

他們謹守著所謂的真理 深怕懷疑它們 自己就會受到傷害

But when I am working in my house and writing,

在家工作了一天後

after a day’s writing, I rush downstairs and I’m very excited to talk about Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley

我衝下樓 很興奮的想大聊Marcus Garvey(註: 牙買加民族主義者)或Bob Marley(註: 牙買加創作歌手)

and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies and I’m so excited that my children stop me, and they say,

我嘰哩瓜啦的講個不停 小孩子們就會阻止我:

“Dad, Dad, nobody cares.”

「爸 不要說了啦 沒人在乎好嗎?」

But they do care, actually. They crossover.

但我知道他們在乎 世代與世代之間是有交集的

Somehow they find their way to you.

你能在孩子身上看到自己的影子

They shape their lives according to the narrative of you life,

兒女根據我的經驗談 塑造自己的人生

As I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,

就像我從爸媽那裏學習一樣

And maybe Bageye did with his father.

也許泡泡眼也是這麼像他父親學習的

And that was clearer to me in the course of looking at his life

回顧他的一生時 我更有感觸

and understanding, as they say, the Native American say, “Do not criticize the man until you can walk in his moccasins.”

瞭解了印第安人說的「真正了解一個人之前, 不可妄下斷語」

But, in conjuring his life, it was okay and very straightforward to portray

但他的一生 可以這麼形容

a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s with

一個1970年代在英格蘭的加勒比海人

bowls of plastic fruit, Polystyrene ceiling tiles,

一碗碗塑膠水果 聚苯乙烯的天花板磁磚

settees permanently sheathed in their transparent covers that they were delivered in.

小沙發像剛買來時一樣 覆蓋著透明塑膠套

But what’s most difficult to navigate is the emotional landscape between the generations,

最難定位的是 兩個世代之間的情感隔閡、

and the old adage that with age comes wisdom is not true.

還有流傳了千百年的智慧言語之虛假

With age comes the veneer of respectability and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.

伴隨歲月而來的是 膚淺的敬畏和讓人心生不安的事實

But what was true was that my parents, my mother and my father went along with it,

我的父母卻帶著這些謬誤過了一生

did not trust the state to educate me. So listen to how I sound.

他們對公立學校沒有信心

They determined that they would send me to a private school,

決定將我送到私立學校

but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors. It’s quite difficult to

但我爸在佛頓汽車廠上班

fund a private school education and feed his army of children.

要供我讀私校還有扶養一堆兒女並不容易

I remember going on to the school for the entrance exam, and my father said to the priest, it was a Catholic school,

我還記得那天去參加入學考 我爸對牧師－那是所天主教學校 說:

he wanted a better “heducation” for the boy,

他想要這個孩子接受更好的「焦育」

but also, he, my father, never even managed to pass worms,

他對學校一無所知

never mind entrance exams.

也沒在乎過入學考

But in order to fund my education, he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff, So

但為了資助我的學業 他得做些不光明磊落的勾當

my father would fund my education by trading in elicit goods from the back of his car.

例如與人交易後車廂的走私品

And that was made even more tricky because my father, that’s not his car by the way, my father aspired to have a car like that, but my father had a beaten-up Mini,

可是那不是我爸的車 所以情況又更棘手 他很想有一台那樣的車子 但他只有一台小破車

and he never, being a Jamaican coming to this country, he never had a driving license.

一個牙買加人來到英國 無照駕駛了一輩子

He never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.

沒保險、沒繳過道路稅、也沒有MOT(註: 年度的車輛安全檢測)

He thought, “I know how to drive. Why do I need the state’s validation?”

他覺得「我知道怎麼開車 幹嘛還要州政府的許可?」

But it became a little tricky when we were stopped by the police, and we were stopped a lot by the police.

但更麻煩的是碰到警察的時候 我們又「常常」碰到警察

And I was impressed by the way that my father dealt with the police.

我爸和警察交涉的方式讓我印象深刻

He would promote the policeman immediately,

他會馬上把條子捧到天上去

So that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs

把區區小警察說成神通廣大的警官

in the course of the conversation and wave us on merrily.

不知不覺 警察就會笑著揮手送走我們

So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica called “playing fool to catch wise.”

我爸用了那招－ 牙買加話說「大智若愚」

But it lent also an idea that actually he was being diminished or belittled by the policeman,

但也讓人覺得警察其實有點輕視、瞧不起他

As a 10-year-old boy, I saw that, but also there was ambivalence toward authority.

10歲的我都看在眼裡 對權威的印象很矛盾

So on the one hand, there was a mocking of authority.

一方面我們譏笑有權者

But on the other hand, there was deference toward authority.

一方面卻對他們是又敬又怕

And these Caribbean people had an overbearing obedience toward authority,

加勒比海人對權威有著絕對的服從

which is very striking, very strange in a way, because

某種層面來說 實在讓人很驚訝

migrants are very courageous people. They leave their homes.

因為移民是非常有勇氣的一群人 他們離鄉背井、來到異地

My father and my mother left Jamaica and they travelled 4000 miles,

我父母離開牙買加 跋涉4000哩

and yet they were infantilized by travel.

可是旅行的磨練讓他們學會了順從

They were timid, and somewhere along the line,

喪失了冒險犯難的精神 年復一年裡

the natural order was reversed. The children became the parents to the parent.

我們扭轉了自然的規律 孩子變成爸媽的爸媽

The Caribbean people came to this country with a five-year plan. They would work some money, and then go back.

加勒比海人為了「5年計畫」來到英國 工作存點錢之後 就回去家鄉

But they 5 years became 10, and 10 became 15, and before you know it, you’re changing like wallpaper,

但5年變成10年、10年變成15年 你發現時 自己已經在換家裡的壁紙

and at this point, you know you’re here to stay.

走到這一步 你知道自己必定會留下來了

Although there’s still a kind of temporariness that our parents felt about being here,

雖然父母親可能還覺得待在這是過渡期

but we children knew that the game was up.

但我們清楚一切都已成定局

I think there was a feeling that they would not be able to

我想他們知道自己不可能

continue with the ideals of the life that they expected.

再過著原本期待中的理想生活

The reality was very much different.

理想和現實大相逕庭

And also, that was true of the reality of trying to educate me.

我的教育也是如此

Having started the process, my father did not continue.

我開始讀書認字之後 爸爸就對我不聞不問了

It was left to my mother to educate me,

這個擔子就落在我母親身上

and as George Lamming would say,

喬治˙萊敏(註: 小說家與詩人)一定會說

it was my mother who fathered me.

我媽是母代父職

Even in his absence, that old mantra remained. You are being watched.

他已經離開我們 那句老話卻依然存在 「你的一言一行都受到監視」

But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety.

這樣的緊迫盯人可能導致焦慮情緒

So much so that years later, when I was investigating why so many young black men were diagnosed with schizophrenia,

數年後 當我調查為什麼黑人族群

Six times more that they ought to be,

有精神分裂症的高達6成

I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,

而精神病學家說

“Black people are schooled in paranoia.”

「黑人在充滿偏執的環境中成長」時 我並不驚訝

And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.

我倒想知道泡泡眼會怎麼說

Now I also had a 10-year-old son, and turned my attention to Bageye.

現在我自己有了一個10歲的兒子 決定把注意力拉回爸爸身上

And I went in search of him. He was back in Luton, he was now 82,

我開始尋找他 他回到盧頓了 現在高齡82

and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,

我已有30年沒見過他

and when he opened the door, I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,

門打開的瞬間 我看到一個小老頭 散發著柔和氣息與彎彎笑眼

and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile. I was very disconcerted by that.

他居然在笑 我從沒看過他笑 我腦中一片混亂

But we sat down, and he had a Caribbean friend with him, talking some old time talk,

我們坐下 他正和加勒比海朋友談論著過往種種

and my father would look at me, and he looked at me as if I would miraculously disappear as I had arisen.

他看著我 彷彿我隨時會像奇蹟出現般奇蹟消失

And he turned to his friend, and he said, "This boy and me have a deep, deep connection, deep, deep connection."

然後轉向朋友 說: 「這孩子和我有很深、很深的連結」

But I never felt that connection. If there was a pulse, it was very weak or hardly at all.

但我從不那麼覺得 若當時心跳的確漏了半拍 一定非常不明顯

And I almost felt in the course of that reunion that I was auditioning to be my father's son.

整個過程中 我好幾度以為自己是在試鏡「他的兒子」這個角色

When the book came out, it had fair reviews in the national papers,

我的書出版時 在國際報章上得到了許多肯定

but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian, it's the Luton News,

但盧頓居民可不看衛報 他們看盧頓新聞報

and the Luton News ran the headline about the book, "The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."

盧頓新聞報上 頭條寫著「一本可能修補32年破裂關係的書」

And I understood that could also represent the rift between one generation and the next, between people like me and my father's generation,

我了解那破裂關係也存在於上一代和下一代之間; 像我一樣的人和他們父親之間

but there's no tradition in Caribbean life of memoirs or biographies.

加勒比海人並沒有寫回憶錄或傳記的傳統

It was a tradition that you didn't chat your business in public.

不要把私事搬上檯面才是我們的傳統

But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes, there is a possibility that this will open up conversations that we'd never had before.

但我覺得那標題很不賴 說不定能開啟之前從未有過的父子交流

This will close the generation gap, perhaps.

或許還能消弭鴻溝

This could be an instrument of repair. And I even began to feel that this book,

成為修復關係的工具 我甚至開始覺得

may be perceived by my father as an act of filial devotion.

爸爸會把這本書看成是對他孝心的表露

Poor, deluded fool.

大錯特錯

Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be the public airing of his shortcomings.

他認為我寫書是要把他的缺點、短處公諸於世 他氣壞了

He was stung by my betrayal,

我的背叛和坦白激怒了他

and he went to the newspapers the next day and demanded a right of reply,

隔天他就去報社要求平反的機會

and he got it with the headline "Bageye Bites Back."

他成功了 報紙頭條寫著「泡泡眼的反擊」

And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal. I was no son of his.

抨擊我的書是赤裸、公開的背叛 並且否認我是他兒子

He recognized in his mind that his colors had been dragged through the mud, and he couldn't allow that. He had to restore his dignity,

他了解自己的膚色已經招來太多苦難麻煩 這種事再也不能允許 他要重建自己的尊嚴

and he did so, and initially, although I was disappointed, I grew to admire that stance.

他也真的那麼做了 縱然一開始有點失望 但我漸漸開始仰慕他的態度

There was still fire bubbling through his veins, even though he was 82 years old.

他的血管仍充斥著沸騰血液 即使已經82歲 垂垂老矣

And if it meant that we would now return to 30 years of silence,

就算那意味著我們可能又要開始不說話30年

my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."

我爸還是會說: 「如果那樣子 我也沒辦法」

Jamaicans will tell you that there's no such thing as facts. There are only versions.

牙買加人會告訴你世界上沒有所謂「事實與虛假」之分 只有「不同版本」之分

We all tell ourselves the versions of the story that we can best live with.

我們選擇自己最能接受的那個版本

Each generation builds up an edifice which they are reluctant or sometimes unable to disassemble,

每個世代都建造了自己的高聳城牆 不情願或無力拆除

but in the writing, my version of the story began to change,

而我的故事版本開始改變了

and it was detached from me.

不再被私人情感影響

I lost my hatred of my father.

我放下了對父親的怨恨

I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,

不再想謀殺他或渴望他死去

And I felt free,

我覺得自由了

much freer than I'd ever felt before.

前所未有的自由

And I wonder whether that freedness could be transferred to him.

我不知道他是否也有這種解脫感

In that initial reunion, I was struck by an idea that I had very few photographs of myself as a young child.

初次重逢之時 我驚訝的發現自己沒什麼小時候的照片

This is a photograph of me, nine month years old.

這是9個月大的我

In the original photograph, I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,

原來的照片裡 是爸爸抱著我

but when my parents separated, my mother excised him from all aspects of our lives.