You didn't see that coming?

Basically, everything that makes a movie bad is in this film from cringey dialogue to horrible CGI to a plot that goes nowhere yet everywhere at the same time.

Yeah, in short, this movie was a total mess.

Whether writers seemingly chose to put every cringe generic cliche that we hate in movies into Madam Web to the point where they took the famous line of with great power comes great responsibility and chose to flip it and say "when you take on great responsibility, great power will come."

What? Bro, what are you talking about, man?

So yeah, that's what we're dealing with here.

And I mean, what did we expect when it came from the same writers of Morbius?

And to make matters worse, the Madam Web actress herself, Dakota Johnson chose to fire her agent shortly after making this movie.

So that tells us pretty much every everything we need to know about this movie.

And if that's not enough, she also recently said in an interview that modern Hollywood blockbusters just aren't good anymore.

And she says that while out promoting Madam Web, so clearly fans aren't alone in their hate for this film.

So, OK, this is where I should give a rundown of the story, but the plot is so all over the place that it is literally impossible to actually summarize this film.

So basically, all you need to know is that the movie's about this guy who's trying to kill these three because he had a dream that they killed him.

And Dakota Johnson AKA Madam Web is trying to stop him from killing those three because get this, she also had a dream but in this one, he was killing them.

Are you serious right now, bro?

But wait, you ask, "Who actually is that guy?"

And I'm here to tell you that that actually never gets answered in this movie.

He's just a bad guy that got spider powers because he stole a spider from Peru and killed Dakota Johnson's mom in the process.

I'm extremely confused.

Well, now you know how everyone in the cinema felt watching this movie.

And when I say everyone in the cinema, I'm talking about just me and my brother as we were the only two people in the entire theater.

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But without further ado, let's get back to the video.

So yeah, the plot was absolutely ridiculous and there was a whole lot of other shit thrown on top of an already shit story to make it even more, well, shit.

So now let's get to the performances.

This cast was nowhere near short of talent from Dakota Johnson to Emma Roberts to Sydney Sweeney, Adam Scott and even Ziah Mamo.

Yet, not one of these actors looked like they actually wanted to be in this movie.

It was like they were all just contractually obligated to make a Sony film or they all have terrible spending habits and will work on any movie to afford a new Dior bag.

But in all honesty, I feel so bad for these actors because it was so obvious that none of them wanted to be there.

And like I said, they've all proven to be talented in the past.

So it just makes it all the more obvious that they didn't want to be in this film, given how phoned in their performances really were.

And you can easily tell that there was limited to no rehearsal for this movie as the chemistry was completely lacking.

There was no real vibe that any of the actors were curating together.

It seemed like they didn't even know what they were meant to be working towards.

And it also seemed like none of them really knew who their characters were.

And that all stems down to the writing, which never really gave any sort of defining characteristic to any single one of these characters.

And I feel so bad for talented actors to have to try and portray a character that has zero character arc, zero character traits and zero backstory.

As I'm not even lying when I tell you that there wasn't a single character in this movie that actually had a character arc or had any point to this story.

But then we get to the next problem, which is probably the biggest issue that I take with this movie, which is the fact that it was allowed to be released in the first place.

Because we're talking about a studio that made the spy diverse movies and also helped make no way home.

So clearly, they know how to make a good film and clearly they know how to make a good film about Spider-Man characters.

Yet somehow they thought this movie was releasable and that's where eyebrows have to be raised.

Because the only reason I can logically find for Sony to release this film is for tax reasons.

As I'm not accusing them of anything, but I am just saying I would believe them if they said that they had an extra 80 million lying around that they had to get rid of to fit their budget for the year.

And so they just called up the Morbius writers and told them they had 24 hours to write whatever they want and they'll just give them $20 million and then try and cast about 25 a list actors to divide the next 60.

And hopefully this movie will make some money.

But I'm sure they also don't even care if this movie does make a profit because at the end of the day, it's still a work expense and they can just write it off their tax bill.

But either way, the fact that a terrible movie like this has been released and is taking people's money is just so disrespectful.

Given the fact that there's such a big Marvel fan base out there.

There are so many people that are really into this Spider Verse ever since they brought out the Spider Verse cartoons and also brought Andrew Garfield and Toby Maguire back with Tom Holland in Spiderman movies showing that they're trying to flesh out this Spider World showing that they're trying to develop a really cool Marvel Universe over at Sony and that's caused so many people to get on board.

So clearly, there's a huge fan base for this kind of thing.

So to release such a terrible movie that they for sure knew wasn't up to scratch, they definitely knew wasn't worthy of people paying over $20 to watch yet they still released it anyway, it just comes across as so disrespectful to me and really disrespects the fan base that you make these movies for.

Because if you're going to charge money for people to come and watch your film at least try and make a decent product.

Because even if you fail in the process, we can at least understand that you tried your best and you put your best foot forward.

But it is so clear with this movie that that's not what they did and they didn't put their best foot forward in any way, shape or form.

And the final problem with this movie is that the teasing some sort of a female spiderwoman x-men rip off where madam Webb ends up in a wheelchair and is going to be the leader of these three young spider women who are going to go out in the world stopping crime and being a great superhero team, which means there could be more Madam Webb movies in the future or at least they're looking to take these characters with zero character arc, zero character traits and use them in the spider verse moving forward, which is only going to damage the Great Spider verse.

They've already built and I know what some people may say there needs to be some women in the spider verse, but you already have Gwen Stacy in the Spiderverse cartoons.

And so there's an unlimited amount of female spider women that you can have from that cartoon or even bring into a Tom Holland Spiderman movie potentially.

But don't take any of these characters moving forward, please because they, they are all downright terrible.

But that pretty much wraps up my review of Madam Webb.

It was an absolute disaster.

And all I can say to you is that I really hope you don't go out and watch this movie because it will be a waste of money and it will be two hours that you'll never get back in your life and would be much better spent somewhere else.

But what are your thoughts on Madam Webb?

Let me know down below in the comments.

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