I actually made a documentary about learning Chinese to do stand up comedy in Mandarin.

So I had to do all these challenges to help me learn the language.

So one of the things I did was I got a job for a month in a Chinese restaurant.

Now you don't have to call it a Chinese restaurant there.

It's just a restaurant.

But just so, you know, I was a yin bing yuan, right?

So I was a welcomer. OK?

Customers would walk in and I would shout as loud as possible, "huān yíng guāng lín," right?

Which means you're very welcome. OK?

It's not like a host, you know, it's not like how many people in your party because there's only one party in China.

So it's more like that's right.

The jokes are gonna come hard and fast.

The Asians approve.

The Asians approve, just you know.

The jokes are gonna come hard and fast, now you gotta...

I know you weren't expecting bilingual comedy on a Tuesday night in New York, but that's what you're getting.

Concentrate.

Yeah, I know. Listen, unless you've been to China, you will not have seen this job.

The door opens you shout, "huān yíng guāng lín."

And of course, I was terrible at it because every day I'd be like, "huān yíng guāng lín," and the customers would be like, "Whoa, oh, you're Chinese is so good."

And I would be like, "Why the fuck you speak in English?"

I would have thought if my Chinese was good, you would have spoken Chinese but they love it.

When a white guy could speak Chinese.

Like any white guy here, you could learn "nǐ hǎo" off "Dora the Explorer,"

go to Beijing tomorrow be like, "nǐ hǎo," and they'd be like, "Whoa. Your Chinese is so good. You look like David Beckham."

Now, I'm not saying I look like David Beckham, but for the record, in China, I look like David Beckham, just so you know.

And it makes me feel guilty because we do not get excited when they speak English.

And I'm not talking about American born Chinese or Australian born Chinese.

I'm talking about Chinese immigrants that are coming over here clearly struggling in their second language.

We do not reciprocate the same awe. They'll be in Flushing–Main Street, Chinese person come up to me be like, "Excuse me, where subway?"

I'm never like, "Whoa. Oh your English is so good."

No, I'm just like, "It's over there, and you're missing a verb."

Not because I'm an asshole, by the way, that's the Chinese way.

Right?

That's the Asian way.

They're very direct. You know?

I missed that about China, honestly. The abruptness, you know, we're so easily offended here.

Everyone's so sensitive.

Not a problem in China.

If it's in their head, it's coming out of their mouth.

Like, if you're fat in China, they'll just be like, "Whoa, you are so fat," and if you get offended, they'd be like, "Well, don't be fat. I don't understand.

You know, you don't have to be fat, right?"

They don't give a fuck.

They think we have massive noses.

You know, I never knew I had a big nose until I moved to China.

Every Chinese woman I met was like, "Whoa, your nose is huge."

I had to tell them that is not a compliment in the west.

I went for a massage one time.

This masseuse kept rubbing my nose every five minutes like a genie was gonna come out of my nostril.

She was like, "Oh my God, it's so big."

I was like, "If you could say that at the end of the massage too, that would be great."

It's a hand job joke, Lithuanian.

So they call us lǎo wài, right?

If you, if you go to China, you will be a lǎo wài.

It means foreigner. Ok?

It's not a negative term.

lǎo wài. You are a foreigner, right?

But what I've discovered is when they immigrate to the United States, they still call us lǎo wài.

Now you don't know, they're calling you a lǎo wài because you don't speak Chinese.

When you go for Chinese food, they're calling you a lǎo wài.

But I know when I go for Chinese food because I'm like a spy.

I speak Chinese.

I'm like a balloon hovering over the restaurant.

I know what they're saying about us.

I catch them calling me a lǎo wài all the time.

They'll be like, "Hey, those dumplings are for the lǎo wài."

I'll be like, "Hey, we're in America, you're the lǎo wài."

And they'd be like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We are the lǎo wài. Your Chinese is so good."

This is all real, by the way, you know, I feel like sometimes people think I'm like making this shit up, but I really did live in China.

I ended up staying there for two years.

I loved it so much.

And I did this job for real.

You know, if you're bored one day, go on YouTube, "Breaking China", six-part series about my time in China.

Episode three is about my time in the restaurant.

I actually went from Beijing to Heilongjiang on the border of Russia and I worked as a yin bing yuan every day, right?

"Huān yíng guāng lín."

And then three weeks into it, I had an amazing cultural experience.

These two drunken Chinese guys walked in, I did my best, "Huān yíng guāng lín."

And then one of them really loudly in front of the whole restaurant goes, "Huān yíng guāng lín." and mocks my Chinese in front of the whole restaurant.

I was like, "Hold on a minute, buddy.

You cannot huān yíng guāng lín me.

I'm the only white guy in this tiny tiny city of 1.3 million people.

You cannot huān yíng guāng lín me. That's racist."

Yeah, because if I was in New York or Dublin and I walked into the Chinese restaurant and the welcomer was like, "Oh, you're very welcome."

And I went, "Oh, you're very welcome. Welcome to our restaurant."

I'd be arrested.

"So don't huān yíng guāng lín me, motherfucker."

I'll tell you right now, buddy.

You're lucky.

You're lucky I'm a comedian because I would have been upset except the minute that you said that I couldn't help but think this story is gonna rip it, why don't I bring it to New York in 2023?

So thanks to you.

Thanks to you guys.