Pick a guy that's easy going and one that you like because you can't change them.

I don't know if anybody's ever told you that, but they're going to stay the way you meet them for their whole life.

And in fact, they might even get worse.

And people get upset with me.

They go, "Don't say that Monique."

I'm going to say it three times for each one of my failed marriages.

You can't change a man, you can't change a man, you can't change a man.

Why?

Because they're in their simplest form.

It's like bending a rock. Okay?

Element 119 on the elemental table, man.

I'm going to tell you some things.

And the men are not upset.

Look, he's applauding.

This guy's happy.

He's like, thank you.

If you operate under the premise that men are simple and delusional and women are crazy and complicated, your life gets instantly good.

It's biblical.

The truth will set you free.

Watch this, watch this.

Exhibit A.

Sir, are you offended by me saying you're simple?

No.

No, he's delighted. Did you see the look on his face?

Because he wants her to understand and quit nagging him.

He's like, finally, someone on my side.

It's true.

Quit laughing, I don't have a lot of time.

I want to help her because I've made mistakes and I'm taking ownership of them.

I'm going to tell you how we ruin things as women because we overthink.

We think too much and we overthink things.

That's why we get crazy.

And I'm going to explain it to you.

I'm not a scientist, but I think the ratio of thought to speech with a woman is 15 to 1.

We wake up in the morning, we flip on the turbines, and it's go time.

Every time a woman utters a sentence, for one sentence, there's 15 potentials spinning around at a high speed, picking up houses and cars and causing chaos.

And it's hard to think that much and not have it go to a dark place.

You're going to freak yourself out by breakfast.

In fact, guys, I'm going to confirm one of your worst fears, women plan preemptive strikes against you for stuff you haven't even done yet.

You're just watching a ball game, and she's saying, "Oh, yeah, if he does this, I'm going to do that. I'm going to get even with him. He is not getting away with that.

And you're just minding your own business. Alright?

Women get upset.

They go, "Monique, you make it sound like we should lower our standards when it comes to our men."

No, don't lower your standards, lose them altogether. Okay?

If you learn nothing else from this show.

And the men are not offended, they're delighted.Okay?

Because they're like, oh, she understands us.

Because the ratio of thought to speech with the man is 0.5 to 1.

Every time a man utters a sentence, half the words have escaped his lips unchecked, unfiltered, unthought about.

They just get out like little invisible paint balls pelting and annoying the women around him.

What I call DDS, Dumb Dude Statements.

Watch this.

Have you ever said something stupid?

What?

See? See? See?

Perfection.

It's not your fault, you were designed that way.

You're not designed to think complicated, convoluted, sensitive thoughts.

You're designed to spring up from behind a rock, kill stuff, and drag it home.

That's your gig.

And if women understood that, they'd be so much happier.

I wish somebody would have told me.

I wish I would have had a me when I was a you, but I'm telling you.

Go out and live your life, sweet girl.

You know why?

Because the man in your life who loves you will not be paying attention to you.

He just won't.

They live in their own little worlds.

So just go out and have a good time.

If you're going to do something, do it for you. Alright?

Because the one thing men really hate is when you do something for them that they didn't ask you to do.

And then get upset with them because they didn't celebrate your little accomplishment.

I saw this a lot during COVID.

My friends had free time, so they were redoing their houses, all their little DIY projects, binge watching all their little shows on HGTV.

And the man, he's just in the living room minding his own business, watching Tiger King for the third time.

The woman comes over.

"Come here, come here, come here, come here."

And when you say to a man "come here, come here" and you don't tell him why, he's nervous. "Why? What?"

You go, "Come here. Come to the bathroom, come to the bathroom."

Now he's thinking, "I am in a big room comfortable, and you want me to follow you to the bathroom. It's a small room. It's a trap."

And you're all excited because you redid the whole thing with $65 and a glue gun.

You are thrilled.

But he's not going to notice the redo.

You know why?

Because he's afraid because he doesn't know why he's there.

And you stand in the middle of the bathroom, you go, "Ta-da, what do you think?"

Now, I don't know what the man is thinking because I'm not a man, but I'm pretty sure I know what the man is not thinking.

He's not thinking, "Oh, sweetheart, that border is so straight.

And the way you did that rag roll, and that carpet pulls it together. This bathroom is beautiful. I love it.

I'm going to take Metamucil right now.

I want to have a long sit down in this beautiful bathroom."

No, that is not what the man is thinking.

The man is thinking, "I know I can't use those little soaps. That much I know.

But what towel can I dry my butt off with without getting murdered? I need to know."

And the woman has her feelings hurt.

Just live your life.

Because I'm going to tell you something.

If you want a man to love you forever and ever and ever and ever, listen to the woman who's been divorced three times.

You want him to love you forever, don't talk to him.

I didn't say don't talk with him, I just said don't talk to him.

Men will tell you when they have something to say because they are task-oriented.

When a man talks to a woman, he has something in mind, a beginning, a middle, an end.

My work here is done.

Something has been accomplished.

Women are drunk drivers on the information highway.

We don't have to have a point. We just talk. We just talk.

Because that 15 to 1 is creating pressure behind our eyes.

See, we have to talk.

They don't.

They got a lot of room in there. They're very comfortable.

I wish these were jokes, I really do.

But I like this kid. I like her a lot. She's got a good vibe. I want to help her out.

That's true.

I'm going to tell you a little something, these people married for years.

How many people have been married for years and years and years?

I love that.

Let's take it next level because I am hopeful I'm going to meet a nice person soon, and then I'm going to live happily ever after.

I'm 59 years old, one month, three weeks, two days.

So if I want to reach a 40th anniversary, I got to meet him in like a week. Okay?

And I got to continue to take care of myself.

That's why I went pescaterian, for my future husband.

I've even got a name for him, Larry.

We'll talk about him in a minute.

We'll talk about the Larry bear in a minute.

So seriously, I'm going to tell you ladies something you don't want to hear.

When you ask your husband a question, your husband is not thinking of the answer to that question.

Your husband is thinking, "What can I say that will shut this down?

I don't want her mad, I just want her gone.

It's early. I'm not ready to engage. I haven't had enough coffee. She's coming in hot."

I got news for you.

Any time you're walking towards a man quickly, the man, "You're coming in hot."

It's true. This is the time of year where we want them to get involved.

Because we care.

Women care about the holidays and family and they don't.

Don't take it personal.

When you ask a man, 'How do you want me to decorate the house?"

You know what the man wants to say?

"Quietly.

How about not at all? How about you quit spending money and moving stuff around?

Not that many people are coming over these days anyway, and I like this couch. It's worn out, but it's comfortable. I like this couch.

As long as we're talking, stay out of my underwear drawer. I'm a grown man.

I know when I need new ones. I don't mind the holes. They're ventilation.

It takes a long time to get them this soft.

Why are you asking me questions anyway?

You do whatever you want."

But they know they can't say any of that.

So they just sit there.

But I know this now.

I know this.

I'm going to get it right next time.

I'm so excited about Larry.

Because when I meet somebody, and I'm very hopeful that now that I'm getting out and whatnot, that I'll meet a nice age-appropriate man.

I know that men don't have age-appropriate, they have prison, no prison, but I would like to meet a man close to my age because prior to the Rona, I was dating little dudes.

I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't, but they'd ask me out.

I'm like catnip to them or something.

I've tried perfume, Febreze, or some smell.

It's a desperate cougar smell or something. I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

But they come up to me after the show and they'd be like, "Hey, comedy girl. Would you like to go out for a coffee or something?"

I'd be like, "How old are you, little dude?"

They're like, "28."

"I have a sweater older than you."

No, I do. I do it's an Adrian Bernardini.

I took the shoulder pads out, but I wear it. It's...