You can market an athlete.

Sometimes we need our athletes to be marketed to us, like, when we're watching the Olympics, every time the Olympics come on, we're rooting for the person with the best story. Right?

The network puts together some kind of great story, some little back story video on the athletes because we're not rooting for people that have a story that's easy. Right?

"He was born to millionaire parents."

"At age six, he had his own private gym and a personal trainer. Let's see how he does."

Like I'm kind of rooting against that guy, frankly.

Like, we want a story. Right?

"She was born under a rock in a mud hut in Peru with no arms and legs."

"She was dragged to school every day with a rope in her teeth."

"At age 11, her head was replaced with a block of wood."

"Today, she competes in the women's decathlon."

Like, "Go for it. I am there."

My wife makes sure that I say this stuff on stage and not in public.

She's so good for me.

Last year, she gave me the book "Boundaries", so I've got to read it.

I can't say no.

Looks like a slow burn as it goes across the whole room.

Boundaries.

But also women help unlock our feelings. Right?

Guys don't like to share their feelings.

Women drop this little truth bomb every once in a while.

They'll say, "What are you feeling right now?"

"What are you thinking right now?"

And they pounce on you when you're not thinking about anything.

Like, ladies, sometimes we are literally thinking about nothing.

It's like white noise.

It's like a guy, like, "We do think about nothing."

Sometimes if the channel is signed off its broadcast days.

So I'm at a red light, and I'm just staring into the distance, and my wife says,

"Hey, you've been quiet. What are you thinking right now?"

And I said, "Nothing, really."

So now she doubles down.

She's like, "Hey, I want to know you. I want to know what's in there. What are you thinking?"

So I'm like, "OK, what am I thinking right now?

Well, you see that billboard for egg beaters right there with the picture of the chicken with a little chef's hat on it?

Well, I was thinking is that photoshop or--

It looks real.

Like, did a prop guy have to make a tiny chef's hat?

And like, once he did, how does one affix a tiny hat to a live chicken so that it stays on long enough to photograph?

That's what I'm thinking right now.

Aren't you glad we're having this conversation?

It's really paying off, isn't it?"

My wife also makes sure that I don't walk out of the house in anything embarrassing fashion-wise.

Like, just a simple question.

"Oh, oh, are you going out in that?"

And I'll say, "As a joke. Got you. I'm going to go change now."

I would leave the house in a onesie, if I could. I don't care.

Just give me seven jumpsuits for the week.

I don't pay attention to it.

You know, men pay attention to fashion when they go out on the battlefield.

In all the great battles in history, fashion wins the war.

That's my slogan.

Hear me out.

Because I was watching an old Davy Crockett movie the other day, so I've done my research.

And Davy and his boys are fighting the French Army, and I can tell who's going to win already by what they're wearing to the battlefield,

because Davy and his boys, they got like fur skin hats on and moccasins and earth tones, and they're like ninja buccaneers disappearing into the trees.

And here comes the French in basically marching band uniforms,

in straight lines with brass buttons on the jacket, a big stovepipe hat with a white feather on the front, painted on the top.

I'm not kidding, like, a bull's eye, a circular design of some kind that I saw just to help you out.

Just to say, "Shoot me here. This is where my brain is."

Well, they're French so,

"Shoot me here. This is where my brain is. This will kill me. If that does not work, look for the white X on my chest. Amazing."