Earlier this week, former President Trump announced that after getting Roe v. Wade overturned, he's happy with how everything has worked out, because from now on, each state will make its own rules.

Like, you know how sometimes the speed limit is 45 miles an hour, and then down the road, it's 35 miles an hour?

Well, that's how human rights are gonna work now, so what could go wrong?

But then Arizona decided that its law would be a nearly complete abortion ban that was first enacted during the Civil War, and even pro-life Republicans started freaking out.

Tonight, some Republicans across the country are rhetorically trying to distance themselves from Arizona's Supreme Court ruling that upholds a near-total abortion ban.

Congresswoman Nancy Mace, a Republican from South Carolina, called it an asinine ruling.

And Republican Congressman Juan Sescamani calling the decision a disaster for women and providers.

Carrie Lake locked in one of the most high-profile races in the country.

She released a statement which reads, and I quote, "I oppose today's ruling, and I am calling on Katie Hobbs and the State Legislature to come up with an immediate common sense solution that Arizonans can support."

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this anti-abortion law is being received as well as O.J. Simpson at the Pearly Gates.

Yeah, I, uh...

I don't see you on here.

Um, even far-right Republican Carrie Lake hates it.

And that can't just be because she's in a tight Senate race.

Surely she's always hated it, right?

Carrie Lake previously said this about the 1864 law less than two years ago.

"I'm incredibly thrilled that we are going to have a great law that's already on the books. I believe it's ARS 13-3603."

Wow. Carrie Lake didn't just support this bill, she knew its bill number by heart.

"I believe, uh, it's ARS 13-3603."

She said that like when a guy tries to play it cool about how much he's into Dune, you know?

"Oh, yeah, I think I've heard of that movie.

I believe that's the one where Paul Atreides wields the power of the Bene Gesserit to fulfill the prophecy of the Lissengel guy.

I think that's the one.

Yeah, they changed it from the books."

I mean, look, have you ever loved a law so much that you memorized it?

Even the person who wrote the law in 1864 would be like, "My lady, thou art a weirdo," or however they talked back then.

I'm just saying, the way she rattled it off, "13-3603," I'm pretty sure if you find Carrie Lake's iPhone, you'll be able to unlock it, but...

But, hey, that's fine.

If even Republicans agree that this abortion ban is too extreme, then Arizona Democrats can just propose a bill to reverse the old law, and I'm sure the GOP will get on board.

Check it out.

GOP lawmakers today block a vote to reverse the landmark ruling from the state Supreme Court yesterday, reinstating a pre-statehood near-total ban on abortion.

Well, that's... that's weird.

I mean, you guys say you don't want an insane abortion ban, but then you voted to keep it.

It's almost like you're just totally full of shit.

I... I mean, listen, listen.

If... if Arizona women...

If Arizona women are gonna be forced to live under this law from 1864, then all of Arizona's lawmakers should be forced to get their health care from 1864 standards, too.

Yeah. You've got back pain? Put some leeches on it.

Migraine? More leeches.

Feeling depressed? You can see a therapist.

Your therapist is a leech, okay?

Clearly... clearly, this law has completely thrown Republicans for a loop. They hate the law. They love the law.

They don't know what to do.

And this is all great news, actually, for President Biden.

A perfect opportunity to hammer the Republicans in a critical swing state for their confusion and their hypocrisy.

Dude, you got a wide open net, my man, all right?

All you need to do is just tap the ball in.

President Biden was asked today what his message is to Arizonans.

Elect me. I'm in the 20...

20th century. 21st century.

Ah, f-!

You blew it!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Hey, Republicans think we're in 1864.

The president thinks we're in the 20th century.

If we're playing by the Price is Right rules, Biden was closest without going over, right?

Yeah.

Now, luckily, Arizona voters will likely vote on a ballot initiative in November that will let them decide for themselves if they want abortion to be legal.

And for anyone in Arizona who might need an abortion before then, Republicans want you to know, hey, everything's fine.

I mean, this is tricky business. How does this play out?

Uh, it hurts Trump for a few days, and then people start to realize this is not the worst thing in the world.

If you had to travel to another state to get an abortion, it's not the worst thing in the world.

Hopefully, this is a very rare occurrence in your life.

Once in your life, maybe it would do it.

Buying a bus ticket to go somewhere to get it is not the worst thing in the world.

It's true.

Hey, hey, it's true.

It technically can't be the worst thing in the world as long as that toupee exists, but...

What is wrong with you guys?

It's not the worst thing in the world that you take a bus to a different state.

It's also not the worst thing in the world to just let women have rights, you know?

I would say it's actually significantly nicer than going on a bus, you know?

It doesn't cost you anything, there's never a circumstance where someone takes a shit so bad they need to pull over and wait for a second bus to pick everybody up.

And by the way, I love that he made this entirely the woman's problem.

Where's the father in this scenario?

He can't give her a ride?

He's just standing at the bus station waving like, "Bye, have a nice abortion. Try to pick up some food on the way home."

Now, a panel of men talking about abortion might seem like a ridiculous embarrassment for everyone involved, but I actually think it's a great idea for our new segment, Men Talk About Abortion.

Oh, yeah, all right.

All right, you know it.

Yeah.

Joining me now is my main bro, my main man.

You're just like me, aren't you?

Yeah, I sure am.

A big old man, huh?

Just watch me open this jar.

I'll finish it later.

Nah, you softened it up.

You softened it up, big dog.

All right, let's get right to it, man-to-man.

What's your solution for abortion?

Okay, easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy, all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A woman needs an abortion, she should just take the bus to a state where it's legal.

Okay.

And look, obviously, I've never had to travel out of state for an abortion.

But I did accidentally hit myself in the balls trying to double-knot my deck shoes.

I cried so hard, they helicoptered me to a hospital in the next state. I was fine.

Yeah, couldn't agree more, Chief.

Couldn't agree more, Chief.

Women should just take the bus ride or just give birth.

And look, I've never given birth, okay?

Uh-uh, of course not, but if...

But you would crush it if you did.

I would crush it?

I mean, you would crush it.

But look, I know it's frustrating for women, but we can't all...

You know, we have rights some places, and other places, we don't.

For example, I'm not allowed to go to the Epcot food court anymore because apparently you can't do that to the funnel cakes.

I mean, double standards?

Double standards?

Double standard, double standard.

Look, women are making too big a deal about all this.

Look, I've never had to walk through a line of protesters to get basic health care, but I have had to make eye contact with the woman at Walgreens while buying a pack of Slim Fit Trojan condoms.

So, sometimes you got to get past feeling judged, ladies.

And you're brave.

Thank you.

You are brave, my bro-ham.

And by the way, what about the father's rights?

Oh, the fathers have to have rights.

Right, right. Are you a father?

I am not a father.

No, no, no, no, no.

I would like to be, but I haven't quite figured out how it works yet.

Okay, okay.

I do know boobs are involved, though, you know?

How about you?

Yeah, I haven't found the right lady yet.

I was in a relationship for several years, but she turned out to be a raccoon, and she tricked me out of my credit card.

Oh, tale as old as time, player.

Tale as old as time.

In fact, my ex was three possums in a trench coat.

Point is, when it comes to women's rights, we get it.

We get it.

All right, before we go, quick question.

What is an abortion?

Not a clue. Not a clue.

But, but, but I think the boobs are once again involved.

Sounds right to me.

My main man, bro-ham Jones, everybody.