I don't know, like, I'm straight, so I'm attracted to men.

我不知道，比如，我是異性戀，所以我被男人吸引。

But I don't find men attractive.

但我不覺得男人有魅力。

Yes, I'm a woman!

是的，我是個女人！

Give it up for me!

為我放棄吧

I'm a woman!

我是個女人

I'm here!

我在這裡

Thank you.

謝謝。

Thank you.

謝謝。

I'm a woman.

我是個女人

I love being a woman, but it's a lot of work, you know?

我喜歡做一個女人，但這是一項艱鉅的工作，你知道嗎？

Like, I have to wear makeup to look like a woman.

比如，我必須化妝才能看起來像個女人。

And I'm an Asian female.

而我是一名亞洲女性。

It's trickier for us.

這對我們來說比較棘手。

You know, like, my...

你知道，就像我的...

Our facial features are gender neutral.

我們的面部特徵不分性別。

You know?

你知道嗎？

Like, white people are different.

比如，白人與眾不同。

You guys are like, oh, I have my mom's eyes.

你們會說，哦，我有我媽媽的眼睛。

I'm like, oh, yeah, I have my dad's entire face.

我想，哦，是的，我有我爸爸的整張臉。

None of you know him, but you see it, right?

你們都不認識他，但你們看到了，對嗎？

So I have to wear mascara and blush every day to disguise myself as a young, beautiful Asian woman.

是以，我每天都要塗睫毛膏、打腮紅，把自己偽裝成年輕貌美的亞洲女性。

One time, I was at the airport.

有一次，我在機場。

I had no makeup on.

我沒有化妝。

My hair was tied up in a bun.

我的頭髮紮成了一個髮髻。

And someone called me, sir.

有人叫我，先生

I'm not making it up.

我沒有瞎編。

This is a real problem for Asian women.

這是亞洲女性面臨的一個現實問題。

You know the plot of Mulan.

你知道《花木蘭》的情節吧。

Remember?

還記得嗎？

The young, beautiful Disney princess, Mulan.

年輕貌美的迪士尼公主花木蘭。

All she did was go like this.

她所做的就是這樣。

And the plot changed entirely.

情節完全改變了。

Everyone's like, sir, excuse me, sir.

每個人都會說，先生，對不起，先生。

Let's get down to business.

我們言歸正傳。

I can't put my hair up.

我不能把頭髮盤起來。

I just hear, be a man.

我只聽到，做個男人。

I'm like, what the fuck?

我就想，搞什麼鬼？

I wear fake eyelashes, okay?

我戴假睫毛，好嗎？

I glue on hair where there should already be hair.

我在應該有頭髮的地方粘上了頭髮。

You know?

你知道嗎？

It's like, guys, I know you'd be late to stuff too if you glued your balls on every day.

這就像，夥計們，我知道如果你們每天都把蛋蛋粘在上面，你們也會遲到的。

You know?

你知道嗎？

But I am in my 30s.

但我已經 30 多歲了。

I'm a woman in my 30s.

我是一個 30 多歲的女人。

I miss my 20s.

我懷念我的 20 歲。

I hooked up with everybody.

我和每個人都勾搭上了。

You guys should have been there, because we would have, you know...

你們應該在那裡，因為我們會......

Look, I got a lot of action.

聽著，我有很多行動。

I put up solid numbers on the board in my 20s.

我在 20 多歲時就在棋盤上取得了不錯的成績。

Because if you're a single woman, it's easy.

因為如果你是單身女性，這很容易。

Men make themselves available for you.

男人為你敞開心扉

They were everywhere.

他們無處不在。

They were hard for me to resist when I could just reach out and grab one.

當我伸手就能抓到一個時，我很難抗拒它們。

I couldn't, you know...

我不能，你知道...

It's like, you know when there's a plate of fries on the table and you eat them even if you're not hungry?

這就像，你知道桌上有一盤薯條，即使你不餓，你也會吃掉它們？

You know?

你知道嗎？

I wasn't even thinking.

我甚至都沒想

I was like...

我當時想...

I was like, okay, someone take these dicks away from me.

我當時想，好吧，誰來把這些雞巴從我身邊拿走。

Like, I'm...

比如，我...

Seriously, take them away.

說真的，把它們拿走吧。

I'm stuffed.

我吃飽了

I can't fit one more.

我再也裝不下一個了。

But if you'll have one, I'll have one.

不過，如果你要一個，我也要一個。

You know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Like, let's...

比如...

Do you want to split?

你想分開嗎？

Like, let's be bad.

就像，讓我們變壞吧。

It's the weekend.

今天是週末。

Let's...

讓我們...

But in my 20s, I was single for most of it, and I used to be sad about it.

但在我 20 多歲的時候，大部分時間都是單身，我曾經為此感到難過。

It used to bum me out.

這曾經讓我很沮喪。

But I've grown up.

但我已經長大了。

I'm in my 30s now.

我現在 30 多歲了。

My feelings have evolved.

我的感情已經發生了變化。

Like, now I'm angry.

比如，現在我很生氣。

Now Mama's pissed, okay?

現在媽媽生氣了，好嗎？

Because I don't want to keep looking for this man.

因為我不想繼續找這個人了。

Like, why am I looking for...

比如，我為什麼要找...

I feel like when I finally find him, I'm going to act like a mom whose kid got lost at the grocery store.

我覺得當我終於找到他時，我會表現得像一個孩子在雜貨店走丟了的媽媽。

You know?

你知道嗎？

Like, hey, where have you been?

比如，嘿，你去哪兒了？

Get in the car!

上車

That was so weird.

太奇怪了

Stop crying.

別哭了

Get in the car.

上車

But I am in my 30s.

但我已經 30 多歲了。

I have never been married.

我從未結過婚。

So I've...

所以我...

All right.

好的

Okay.

好的

Calm down.

冷靜點

All right.

好的

Security.

安全。

What the hell?

搞什麼鬼？

What the hell?

搞什麼鬼？

But if you're industry, so sorry.

但如果你是工業家，那就很抱歉了。

Glad you're here.

很高興你來了

Thank you so much for coming.

非常感謝你們的到來。

Okay, I've never been married, okay?

好吧，我從沒結過婚，好嗎？

I've never met my soulmate, right?

我從未遇到過我的知音，對嗎？

But even though I've never met this guy, I think about him all the time.

儘管我從未見過這個人，但我一直在想他。

I wonder about him, you know?

我想知道他的情況，你知道嗎？

I'm like, what is he like?

我想，他是什麼樣的人？

What does he do?

他是做什麼的？

Where does he live?

他住在哪裡？

Like, he's got to be pretty special, right?

他一定很特別，對吧？

But now I'm realizing we should not do this.

但現在我意識到，我們不應該這樣做。

We shouldn't hype up our soulmates this much.

我們不應該如此誇大我們的靈魂伴侶。

Because at this point, I've been waiting my entire life to meet this one man.

因為此時此刻，我已經等了一輩子，只為遇見這個男人。

And I'm not trying to sound mean.

我並不是刻薄。

But I know he's not going to be worth the wait.

但我知道他不值得等待。

Do you know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Do you know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

It's like my whole life, who am I waiting for?

這就像我的一生，我在等誰？

A guy named Greg in a graphic tee?

一個叫格雷格的人穿著圖案T恤？

Like, who cares?

誰在乎呢？

You know, if I saw Greg tonight, I wouldn't even get in line, you know?

你知道嗎，如果我今晚看到格雷格，我甚至不會去排隊，你知道嗎？

And it's hard now, like, all my friends are married.

現在很難了，我所有的朋友都結婚了。

They're all married, so they pressure me.

他們都結婚了，所以會給我壓力。

They're like, Leslie, aren't you scared that she might die alone?

他們說，萊斯莉，你就不怕她孤獨終老嗎？

I'm like, dude, I am an Asian female.

我想，老兄，我是個亞洲女性。

I don't think we even die.

我想我們甚至都不會死。

Okay?

好嗎？

I'm all, I'm chilling, I'm chilling.

我很冷靜，很冷靜。

I don't know what happens to us.

我不知道我們會發生什麼。

I think we just shrink and float away.

我想我們只是縮小了，飄走了。

And I'm excited.

我很興奮

I can't wait.

我等不及了

But it's hard being a straight woman.

但做一個異性戀女人很難。

Where are the straight women at?

異性戀女性在哪裡？

See how sad, see how sad we are?

你看，我們有多悲傷？

Did you hear that?

你聽到了嗎？

See how sad we are inside, on the inside?

看看我們的內心有多悲傷？

It's a struggle for me, being a straight woman.

作為一個異性戀女性，這對我來說很艱難。

It's hard.

這很難。

Like, I rarely meet a man that gets me smitten, you know?

我很少遇到讓我心動的男人，你知道嗎？

It's confusing.

真讓人困惑。

I don't know.

我不知道。

Like, I'm straight, so I'm attracted to men.

比如，我是異性戀，所以我被男人吸引。

But I don't find men attractive.

但我不覺得男人有魅力。

Does that make sense?

有道理嗎？

Do you know what I mean, honey?

你明白我的意思嗎，親愛的？

Do you know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

It's like, I want you to hold me, but do you always have to wear a hat?

就好像，我想讓你抱著我，但你一定要戴帽子嗎？

It's like, I...

這就像，我...

Is that how you guys get ready?

你們是這樣準備的嗎？

Is that...

那是...

I can't, I can't believe I'm straight.

我不能，我不能相信我是直的。

I can't believe that's what I want.

我不敢相信這就是我想要的。

You know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Like, it's not a choice.

比如，這不是一種選擇。

I can't believe I'm straight.

真不敢相信我是個直男。

Because women are beautiful.

因為女人是美麗的。

Like, women, gorgeous.

就像，女人，美極了。

Any woman could walk by and change your life.

任何一個女人走過，都可能改變你的生活。

But I have never seen some floating hat in a crowd.

但我從未在人群中見過漂浮的帽子。

It'd be like, oh, my God.

這就像，哦，我的上帝。

Oh, who is that man?

哦，那個人是誰？

You know, in those Costco basketball shorts.

你知道，穿著 Costco 籃球短褲。

Oh, yummy, yummy.

哦，好吃，好吃。

Come to mommy.

到媽媽這裡來

Fuck yeah.

我操

I've never...

我從未...

What I would give to be those buffalo wings melting in his mouth.

我真想讓那些水牛城雞翅在他嘴裡融化。

You know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

You guys are gross.

你們真噁心

But I want one.

但我想要一個。

I still want one.

我還是想要一個。

I know.

我知道

Yeah.

是啊

I'll see you after the show.

演出結束後見

I...

I...

But I don't know.

但我不知道。

I want to be with a fun guy.

我想和一個有趣的人在一起。

Like, I love to party.

比如，我喜歡派對。

I love music festivals.

我喜歡音樂節。

I just don't know why there's so many male DJs.

我只是不明白為什麼會有這麼多男 DJ。

So many.

太多了

Because the best DJs in the world...

因為世界上最好的 DJ...

Not now.

現在不行

The best DJs in the world...

世界上最好的 DJ...

A woman's talking, sir.

一個女人在說話，先生

Okay, the best DJs in the world are straight women, right?

好吧，世界上最好的 DJ 都是異性戀女性，對嗎？

Because in real life, on the streets, we're remixing men all the time.

因為在現實生活中，在大街上，我們一直都在重新混音男人。

Do you know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Like, every time we break up with a man and send him off to his next relationship, you know, we're like, remix!

比如，每次我們和一個男人分手，送他去談下一段戀愛時，我們就會說，重新混音！

It's Jason, but with career ambition!

他是傑森，但有事業心！

Like...

比如...

Like, aw, here we go with Anthony, but he's a better communicator!

比如，安東尼又來了，但他更善於溝通！

Another one.

還有一個

It's Michael, but with clean towels!

是邁克爾，但毛巾是乾淨的！

You know what I mean?

你明白我的意思嗎？

See, there's a...

看，有一個...

Women always get it.

女人總能明白。

I don't think the men realize what we did for you.

我想他們不知道我們為你做了什麼。

We fixed you, you know what I mean?

我們把你修好了，你明白我的意思嗎？

Like, this is how women support women.

這就是女性支持女性的方式。

We just go around fixing each other's future husbands.

我們只是到處去撮合對方未來的丈夫。

You know?

你知道嗎？

Under...

在...

Under the table, no commission, you know?

桌子底下，沒有佣金，你知道嗎？

Like, here you go, here's Tyler, he talks to his mom now.

比如，給你，這是泰勒，他現在會跟媽媽說話了。

There you go.

這就對了。

Congrats.

祝賀你

There you go.

這就對了。

Here's Brian, he's an active listener.

這是布萊恩，他是一個積極的傾聽者。

Congrats on the engagement.

祝賀你訂婚。

I'm so happy for you.

我真為你感到高興。

Okay, thanks for your allyship.

好的，謝謝你的支持。

I'm a woman.

我是個女人

Bye!

再見！

Thank you!

謝謝！

Thank you!

謝謝！