Just three years ago, there was a movie called The Great Wall, starring Matt Damon.

It was a real movie.

It was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English.

It's like, what the fuck is this?

But you gotta understand, I'm not mad at Matt Damon, okay?

He's an actor, that's what he does for a living.

That's how he gets a check.

I get it, I get it.

If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore,

I would play the shit out of George Washington.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

No shame in my game.

I would play George Washington Carver if they let me.

That's a black guy, by the way.

I don't know who that is.

Gotta represent, man.

I see a lot of people out here in the streets.

They want to come up to me, but they're not really sure.

There's a lot of debate amongst their friends.

They're like, hey man, are you sure that's him?

If we go up there, we gotta be sure, because if we go up there and it's not him, we're gonna look super racist.

Are you sure that's not Ken Jeong?

I don't know, it looks kind of like Ali Wong, I don't know.

And they come up to me, it's always like the first thing they say, they're like, hey man, aren't you that dude, Jing Yang, from that show, Silicon Valley?

And I'm like, oh, thanks, thanks, thank you.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you,

I appreciate that, yeah, I am.

And then they're like, oh, I didn't even know you speak English in real life.

Like, it's called acting.

Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese?

Like, what's wrong with you?

I don't know what the disconnect is.

Like, if a white actor does a British accent, he's a thespian.

He wins an Oscar.

If I do a Chinese accent,

I'm automatically from the old country.

Representation matters, man.

A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice, they're like,

Jimmy, thank you for representing the Asians, man.

I'm like, hey, you're welcome.

But you do understand it's not really a choice, right?

Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians.

I couldn't just wake up one day and be like,

I'm representing Nigerians today.

I'm very proud to represent Asians, but at the same time, there's so much pressure.

Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites.

Sounds weird, that's like a different conversation for some reason, you know?

If somebody came up to me and be like, hey, Jimmy, I'm representing for the whites,

I would leave that town immediately and never come back.

So much pressure to represent.

I gotta be a good Asian everywhere now.

I gotta tip everywhere I go?

That was one of the major advantages of being Asian, is I can just pretend I don't know how to tip.

Y'all know what a Chinese tip is?

Chinese tip, it doesn't matter how big your bill is, you tip $2.

That's a Chinese tip, man.

Now I gotta tip 20% everywhere.

I gotta give every Uber driver a five-star rating just so I can be a good representative.

Everywhere I go, I gotta represent.

Even day-to-day, even the bedroom, I gotta represent.

After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me.

She was like, Jimmy, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're the first Asian guy I've ever been with.

I'm like, okay.

What do you want, a fortune cookie?

Like, what do you want?

She acted like she just unlocked a new character on Street Fighter or some shit.

Why do you feel the need to say that?

This one girl said this shit was so disrespectful.

This is what she said to me after we hooked up.

She was like, Jimmy, I'm just glad the stereotype's not true.

You don't have a small penis.

And I'm like, I don't understand.

You just insulted my entire race of people.

But thank you.

First of all, thank you for thinking that I did have a small penis and we still had sex.

You're the real MVP.

You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss.

Thank you.

I love all Asian people, man.

Yeah, yeah, all Asian people are the best.

But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park?

Like, it doesn't matter which city and which park you go to.

You wake up 6.30 in the morning.

You see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time.

For like three hours.

What the fuck are they doing?

And my dad was trying to explain to me.

He's like, oh, they're warming up to do Tai Chi.

I'm like, for how long?

And ironically, Tai Chi is a warmup in itself.

So they're warming up to warm up for nothing.

And I think to a lot of Americans, like people think that Tai Chi is some like exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art.

No, Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise.

Let's not exoticize these things, you know?

It's actually super simple to do Tai Chi.

I went to the park, watched those old people for like an hour and I learned how to do Tai Chi.

Very simple.

All you got to do is two things.

All you got to do to do Tai Chi is pretend you're wiping down a window and getting a up at the same time.

You guys seem skeptical.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Very simple.

All you got to do, you get in your little stance, right?

Okay.

And then you wipe down a window and now you get a up.

And then you lift her head up because you're a gentleman, you know?

That's Tai Chi.

Hey, hey.

Let's not exoticize these Asian things.

It's just old people reminiscing about the days when they got f***ed off, that's it.

You got to take advantages of all these Asian stereotypes, you know?

If people was going to exoticize us, that's fine.

Whenever somebody asked me to do something I don't want to do,

I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now.

It's like, hey Jimmy, can you help me move next Monday?

I'm like, Monday?

That's the Dragon Boat

Lai Chi Boba Festival, dog.

I can't just help you move.

My grandfather died for that s***, you understand?

And if people was going to assume that I don't speak English, that's fine.

That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.

I just pretend I don't speak English.

Haven't gotten a ticket in five years.

Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window.

He's like, sir, you do understand you can't make a right turn here.

Says right there in the sign, you can't make a right turn.

So I just looked up at him.

I was like, oh,

I don't know.

I'm sorry, but the English is not very good.

So I cannot read the sign.

And he was really confused.

He just looked back down at me.

He was like, sir, the sign is not in English.

It's a diagram.

So I don't understand how that's a language barrier.

So I just looked up at him.

I was like, oh,

I don't know.

But do you know today is the Dragon Ball

Lai Chi Pu.

Like I'm finally,

I'm like quasi famous now.

Nothing's really changed.

I might get a free appetizer at Select PF Chang's.

That's about it.

Nothing's really changed.

I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago.

This is a true story.

But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder.

Like now when I do match with a girl, she doesn't believe that it's me.

Like, ew, that's not you.

That's not, you're not that guy from this thing and that thing.

I'm like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile?

You gotta dig real deep to use me, man.

Feel like there's so many better choices out there.

One time, one time my agent told me that I had a good look.

And I'm like, thanks, dude.

I appreciate that.

But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good looking.

I still don't know what the fuck it means.

And look, I'm not being self-deprecating.

Okay, that's Hollywood talk.

I don't, I don't listen to that shit.

I understand that in real life,

I'm like super good looking.

If you're into anime.

You gotta get in where you fit in, people.

One time I went over to the girl's house.

She, she has this like Naruto anime poster in her bedroom.

I knew I was fucking that night.

You gotta know your demo, people.

Asian people, we don't need Tinder anymore.

We just go to BTS concerts.

That's how we do that parking lot pimping.

I've been thinking a lot about this.

I've been dating a lot of tall girls lately because it makes me look successful.

No, no.

I think tall women are beautiful.

But some of them like to wear heels.

That's just disrespect.

Like you're already five inches taller than me.

Why the fuck are you wearing heels?

And she's like, it makes my ass look better.

I'm like your ass is on my eye level right now.

Neither of us look good, okay?

I look like a child and you look like a child molester.

Last time, last time I took a tall girl to this concert.

I don't know if you guys know this, but apparently tall people have fun at concerts.

Are you guys aware of that?

I'm five five.

I just go to concerts to smell other people's armpits.

Like what the fuck's the point of this?

She was having a time in her life doing what tall people do at concerts, you know?

Jumping around, obstructing other people's views, seeing everything.

I was frustrated.

I had enough.

So I just looked up at her.

I was like, hey, pick me up.

I know I'm becoming an adult finally because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV.

That's the greatest show of all time.

You guys watch it?

Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper.

It's a great show, right?

It's a great show.

Like it's really a beautiful relationship.

Joanna does all the interior decorating and she brings in all the furniture.

It makes the house look amazing.

And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him.

It's the most symbiotic American relationship ever.

And it's a really nice show.

It's a feel good show, right?

It's an aspiring show.

You watch the show and you're like, man, one day maybe my house could look that nice if I moved to Waco, Texas.

If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen.

I don't know about you guys, it's expensive where I live in LA.

And I watch the show and I just get frustrated because you get like these like entry level job having people in Texas.

And they're like, Joanna, we're looking for a six bedroom house on three acres of land and our budget's $50,000.

Bitch, I can't even buy a crack house in Compton for 50.

HGTV is just basically MTV Cribs for adults.

Because when you're 15, you're crazy at dreams.

You watch MTV Cribs and you're like, oh man, one day I hope I can have a Lamborghini.

One day I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades.

And now you're like 35, your dreams just get a little more realistic.

You're watching HGTV and you're just like, oh man, one day I wish I could just fix this roof.

Look, I'm doing like fine by any measure, you know?