Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty.

I don't care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, how big your hands are, everybody should start at average dick, eight inches.

And we go from there.

I see a lot of people out here in the streets.

They want to come up to me, but they're not really sure.

There's a lot of debate amongst their friends.

They're like, hey man, are you sure that's him?

If we go up there, we gotta be sure.

Because if we go up there and it's not him, we're gonna look super racist.

Are you sure that's not Ken Jeong?

I don't know, it looks kind of like Ali Wong, I don't know.

I gotta give every Uber driver a five-star rating just so I can be a good representative.

Everywhere I go, I gotta represent.

Even day-to-day shit.

Even the bedroom, I gotta represent.

After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me.

She was like, Jimmy, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're the first Asian guy I've ever been with.

I'm like, okay.

What do you want, a fortune cookie?

This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful.

This is what she said to me after we hooked up.

She was like, Jimmy, I'm just glad the stereotype's not true.

You don't have a small penis.

And I'm like, bitch, you understand, you just insulted my entire race of people.

But thank you.

People are just gonna exoticize us, that's fine.

Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don't wanna do,

I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now.

It's like, hey, Jimmy, can you help me move next Monday?

I'm like, Monday?

That's the Dragon Boat, life of the party.

That's the Dragon Boat, lychee boba festival, dog.

I can't just help you move.

My grandfather died for that shit, you understand?

And if people was gonna assume that I don't speak English, that's fine.

That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.

I just pretend I don't speak English.

Haven't gotten a ticket in five years.

Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window.

He's like, sir, you do understand you can't make a right turn here.

It says right there in the sign, you can't make a right turn.

So I just looked up at him, I was like, oh.

I don't know.

I'm sorry, but the English is not very good, so I cannot read the sign.

And he was really confused.

He just looked back down at me.

He was like, sir, the sign is not in English.

It's a diagram, so I don't understand.

How that's a language barrier?

So I just looked up at him, I was like, oh.

I don't know.

But do you know today is the Dragon Ball light chip.

I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago.

This is a true story.

But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder.

Like now when I do match with a girl, she doesn't believe that it's me.

Like, ew, that's not you.

You're not that guy from this thing and that thing.

I'm like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile?

You gotta dig real deep to use me, man.

Feel like there's so many better choices out there.

One time my agent told me that I had a good look.

And I'm like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that.

But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good looking.

I still don't know what the fuck it means.

I've been dating a lot of tall girls lately because it makes me look successful.

I think tall women are beautiful, but some of them like to wear heels.

That's just disrespect.

Like, you're already five inches taller than me.

Why the fuck are you wearing heels?

And she's like, it makes my ass look better.

I'm like, your ass is at my eye level right now.

Neither of us look good, okay?

I look like a child and you look like a child molester.

My real name is not even Jimmy.

That's my English name.

My real name is Man Shing.

In Cantonese, Man Shing.

It stands for 10,000 success.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.

I had very ambitious parents.

And now I'm telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, so.

And my dad, he named himself Richard.

I was like, dad, why'd you name yourself Richard?

He was like, because I want to be rich.

It makes so much sense.

My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game, and he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game.

But you know Asian parents, they're way too honest.

So every pep talk just turned into an insult.

Like, he would come up to me and be like, Jimmy.

Jimmy, you're going to play well, okay?

Even though you're slow.

Even though you're weak.

And you suck.

And then he would just walk away.

After I graduated, I didn't want to do like econ or finance.

So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad,

I don't want to do any of this.

I want to go try and do stand-up.

And he was like, what's a stand-up?

You mean like a talk show?

I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it, okay?

But I want to go pursue my dreams.

And he was like, no.

Pursuing your dreams has nothing to do with your dreams.

Pursuing your dreams is how you become homeless.

I was like, no, no, dad, dad, things are different now.

We're in America, okay?

In America, we're supposed to do what we love.

He was like, no.

Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love.

One time I asked my dad, I was like, dad, after 38 years, do you still love mom?

And he was like, love?

Your mom married me to escape communist China.

It's not love, it's a good deal.

That's how we show love, people.

If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right?

You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people because you know everyone's getting a great deal.

Nobody's getting ripped off.

You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.

Asian people, we don't buy organic shit.

We don't believe in organic labeling.

We better still see you swimming or still walking.

That's organic to us.

The first day I got my passport,

I was feeling real patriotic.

So I went to my local Hooters.

Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light.

I was watching the World Cup.

It was USA vs. Europe.

I was watching the World Cup.

It was USA vs. Mexico.

And I was like, man, I'm cheering for Team USA.

I'm American, finally.

And this old Mexican dude came up to me.

He couldn't really speak English.

And this is what he said.

He was like, amigo, amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh?

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

What, are you trying to start World War III or something?

I'm not even Korean.

He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew.

So I really felt the need to explain myself.

I was like, sir, I'm not Korean.

I'm Chinese.

And he looked back to his friends.

He was like, oh, pinche chanito, huh?

And I'm like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, okay?

I have Mexican friends back home just like you.

He was like, no, I'm not Mexican.

I'm El Salvador.

And I'm like, oh, great.

Now I'm the fucking racist.

Thank you guys very much.

You guys are amazing.