We use movies to help you develop skills

for Living Your Best Life and unlocking

your inner strength.

Based on principles from psychology

and family therapy. I'm Jonathan Decker,

licensed therapist. My co-host,

Emmy-winning director Alan Seawright will be

joining us in the near future. But alas,

we are quarantined separately at the moment.

It's crazy out there, right? People are hoarding food,

fighting over food, fearful of the outside world,

afraid of getting sick, getting stir crazy, home alone,

stuck in survival mode,

not knowing what to do with their

time and getting irritable.

We've got major toilet paper problems.

Dr. Peter Venkman: sacrifice, dogs and cats living together,

mass hysteria!

Jonathan Decker: So lately I've been enjoying

the Lord Of The Rings with my kids.

Extended Editions obviously,

because if you're watching the theatrical cuts,

do you even Lord Of The Rings bro?

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Jonathan Decker: In fellowship there's this quote that I'm

seeing popping up all over my social media right now.

Perhaps you know it.

Frodo Baggins: I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times.

But that is not for them to decide.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time

that is given to us.

Jonathan Decker: Love it. Such timely wisdom.

There's a reason it's popping up in all

sorts of memes right now. We all need these words.

But what do they mean for us in our current state?

How do we take this principle and put

it into action for our emotional health?

How can it help us cope with isolation,

craziness at the grocery store, stress from losing work,

or struggling in business, boredom, health concerns,

canceled plans, and more?

The answer lies in just how Gandalf’s words apply to Frodo’s

arc in Fellowship of the Ring and how Frodo’s arc

illustrates a therapeutic principle known as:

Radical Acceptance.

“Accepting life on life's terms and not resisting

what you cannot or choose not to change.

Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life,

just as it is.”

Radical acceptance doesn't mean that you just roll over and die.

OK, it doesn't mean that you stop fighting for a better life,

health, situation, or relationships.

It simply means that you don't waste your

time and energy on things that are outside

of your control.

You don't have to be happy about them but you accept them.

Trying to change the unchangeable just

leaves you feeling helpless, hopeless, and defeated.

Focus instead on the good you can do,

the changes you can make, the lives you can touch.

This concept is most famously exemplified

by the Serenity Prayer uttered in the meetings

of Alcoholics Anonymous.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things

I cannot change the courage to change the things

I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The layer that radical acceptance adds

to the serenity prayer is that it's not just about

what you can and cannot change,

but also accepting what you choose to change

for the greater good.

This is the arc of Frodo who has no desire to be a hero.

Leave the Shire or risk his life.

When Frodo hears from Gandalf just how

dangerous the ring is which he's inherited,

like any sensible person he would rather not have

his life interrupted by such a thing.

First he tries avoidance,

or pretending the problem doesn't exist.

Frodo Baggins: We keep it hidden.

We never speak of it again. No one knows it’s here, do they?

Do they Gandalf?

Jonathan Decker: Of course someone does know

that the ring is there.

So the ring needs to be taken to the elves stat.

Frodo naturally doesn't want to do it.

Frodo Baggins: You must take it.

Gandalf: You cannot offer me this ring.

Frodo Baggins: I'm giving it to you.

Peregrin Took: Don’t tempt me Frodo!

through me it would wield a power too

great and terrible to imagine.

Frodo Baggins: But it cannot stay in the shire!

Gandalf: No.

Jonathan Decker: When Gandalf explains that he won't

take the ring out of fear of the destruction he’d

cause if the ring corrupted him,

Frodo squares up to the reality that's presented to him.

Frodo Baggins: What must I do?

Jonathan Decker: Without delay, without complaining,

without denying what he has to do,

Frodo immediately packs his bag and sets out on his quest.

Now he's not happy about it,

but he knows it's the wisest decision.

He could choose to do something else.

He could give the ring to another Hobbit,

throw it in the river, bury it,

drop it into a wagon leading out of town.

But he doesn't choose any of these options

because they don't serve the greater good and would put

others in danger.

I can cut across country easily enough.

Part of Radical Acceptance is accepting

what you cannot change, but the other part,

is choosing to do the moral thing even if it's not

convenient or pleasant.

It's doing what you don't want to do

because it's what needs to be done.

So Frodo makes it to Rivendell, not without some difficulty….

Peregrin Took: What about second breakfast?

Meriadoc Brandybuck: Don’t think he knows about second breakfast,

Pip.

Jonathan Decker: But finally the quest is done, right?

It sure seems that way.

In this scene only in the extended version

of Frodo makes clear that his preference is to pack

it in and head on back.

Samwise Gamgee: We did what Gandalf wanted didn’t we?

We got the ring this far to Rivendell,

and I thought,

seeing as how you're on the mend.

We'd be off soon. Off home.

Frodo Baggins: Your right Sam. We did what we set out to do.

The ring will be safe in Rivendell.

Jonathan Decker: But then, the Council of Elrond.

Frodo is basically here as a formality, right?

This is a handoff situation. This is somebody else's problem.

Surely these men, elves,

and dwarves among them there's somebody who can

take this ring to Mordor. Frodo is headed home.

Yet when it becomes apparent that the power of the ring

brings out the worst in all present,

Frodo again sacrifices his preference,

his comfort,

and what he wants to do for what needs to be done.

Frodo Baggins: I will take it! I will take the ring to Mordor.

Jonathan Decker: It's not what he wants. It's not ideal.

But Frodo accepts his reality and gets to work within it.

He can't change that none of these men, elves,

or dwarves are ready to take the ring.

So he focuses on what he does have power over.

He asks for help finding the way.

He accepts the aid of others.

He takes advantage of the resources

available to him. He follows wise counsel.

Peregrin Took: Right. Where are we going?

Jonathan Decker: So a lot of scary slash

awesome things happen. Frodo almost dies, Gandalf dies…

ish, and Frodo once again tries to do

things his way.

Frodo Baggins: If you ask it of me,

I will give you the one ring.

Jonathan Decker: But Galadriel too would be too powerful,

corrupted by the ring.

Not only that but the Fellowship is breaking apart.

Boromir is a good man, but he can't be trusted.

It has to be Frodo.

Having seen what will happen if he fails,

and not able to rely on anyone else to do the job,

he sets off on his own.

There is no more attempting to pass the duty

to someone else.

There is no more trying to get out of it.

Frodo now, at the river,

fully accepts that there are aspects of his reality

that are outside of his control,

and that there are responsibilities

he cannot abandon without also abandoning his integrity.

He doesn't have to like it,

but he does choose to accept it instead of fighting it.

He now fully shifts his energy and attention

to those things which he can influence, change,

and control.

No more resistance just Radical Acceptance.

As we wrestle with our new reality under quarantine,

under coronavirus,

as we struggle with the intense desire to return back to the way

things used to be.

We can spend our time bitterly denying

reality and putting ourselves and others at risk.

We can spend our time blaming others,

criticizing others,

and believing that there's nothing to do at home.

But Radical Acceptance demands that we shift our

focus and energy away from these things over

which we have no control as Frodo did.

It demands that we use our free will to make

moral choices of integrity,

as Frodo did instead of convenient and selfish ones.

Now what are you going to do with the time

that's given to you?

Will you use it to repair a damaged relationship?

Will you use it to finally start that project

you've been putting off,

or to start taking care of your health?

You can't change that this is affecting

your work,

so maybe you finally adapt to start doing

more things online.

You can't change that your gym is now closed.

So maybe you buy some free weights to do some

workouts at home, you take up jogging,

you do an online yoga class.

Accept the things that you cannot change

and focus instead on those things that you can

directly influence. So here's your action steps:

Pick at least one of the following, make a plan,

and follow through.

What relationships need to be repaired

or strengthened in your life?

What steps will you take to connect this week?

What projects have you put off starting?

Will you start this week?

What will you do to take better care of your physical

or emotional health this week?

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What movie would you like us to draw wisdom from?

What lessons do you learn from Fellowship of the Ring?

You can rent or buy today's movie using the link

in the description,

which supports the filmmakers and gives us a little kickback,

helping us to make more of these for you. Now,

if you'd like to use the time that's been given

to you to improve your relationships,

I offer telehealth counselling services online,

as well as online relationship courses.