Give it up for Lewis Cato and the Late Show Band.

Joining Lewis tonight.

Yes.

This week.

This week.

This week, joining us on alto sax,

Lakeisha Benjamin is here.

Thank you, Lakeisha.

And the lovely and talented Angie Swan on guitar.

Angie, thank you so much for being here.

The lovely and talented Angie Swan on guitar.

Angie, thank you so much for being here.

And stick around in just a few minutes.

Billie Eilish will be sitting right there, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on there.

Now, folks, if you watch the show, you know I spend most of my time right over there shaping the day's news into the most topical story chassis with gold leaf lining and black flank detail with deep royal claret body panels and cushions upholstered in a blue brocade with surface buttoning all mounted on leaf springs over iron shod English pattern wheels to whisk you away in the spectacular Adams & Hooper traveling Landau horse-drawn carriage that is my nightly monologue.

But sometimes, folks, sometimes I wake up in the baggage hold of a burned-out Greyhound bus from which I rip the axle and strap it to a discarded highway sign then rig it up to a mangy pony with guy lines stripped out of an abandoned circus tent then barrel down an access road to the rickety, derelict slag wagon of news that is my segment...

Meanwhile.

I got something. I got something.

Meanwhile.

McDonald's, the simplest way to buy your children's silence.

Good news if you like ice cream because McDonald's is dropping a new Grandma McFlurry which they claim is sweet just like Grandma.

Also just like Grandma, it has some very outdated and upsetting opinions about the Oreo McFlurry.

McDonald's says the new dessert comes with chopped candy pieces meant to honor all the candies grandmas tend to hide in their purses.

I'm sorry, but if you want to be authentic to what's in Grandma's purse you gotta swirl in a menthol cigarette, a $5 bill and a birthday card that calls you by your cousin's name.

Meanwhile.

A young kid in England is going viral for her reaction to the cost of ice cream. Take a look.

Girls, what's just happened?

So, there's an ice cream van there selling just two ice creams with two chewing gums in it.

It's a bloody nine pound for two of them.

Nine quid for two?

Nine quid. That is going to get nowhere.

One that comes on my street is either one pound a pea or two pounds. That is going to get nowhere with that.

No, it ain't, is it? No, it ain't.

That's well bad, isn't it? You should know.

And he only does bloody card.

Stood there with my cash.

Bloody hell. That's well bad, isn't it?

Bloody well bad. Yeah?

Yeah, bet he can hear me.

I have never been so intimidated by a little girl.

Looks like a preview from the new Netflix series

Young Peaky Blinders.

Bet he can hear me.

Meanwhile, microplastics were found in every human testicle in a new study.

Really?

Every human testicle?

I didn't even notice them checking mine.

They must be really gentle.

It says here in the prompter, they actually used preserved testicles.

And after the scientists tested 23 human testes, they found microplastic pollution in every sample.

That is a real wake up call.

So everyone, please, do your part and recycle your testicles.

They can be ground up and made into new soda bottles.

As part of the study, scientists not only tested human testicles, but also 47 testes from pet dogs.

Now, I wouldn't call myself an expert on canine reproductive systems, but shouldn't that be an even number?

We would have had 48, but one rolled onto the fridge.

We'll get it when we move.

Meanwhile, 706 people named Kyle got together in Texas, but it wasn't enough for a world record.

Too bad, but they did set the record for most Kyles that still aren't enough Kyles.

Meanwhile, meanwhile, Kyle.

Meanwhile, in an effort to curb rats,

Central Park has introduced a new pizza box recycling bin.

And according to officials, the new bin was specifically designed for the shape of pizza boxes.

So it might be a little tricky at first, and change is difficult.

I believe with time, New Yorkers will figure out how to use it as a toilet.

I've already got some ideas.

Meanwhile, according to a recent study, high levels of weed killer can be found in more than half of sperm samples.

Oh, that's going to lead to some very upsetting lawn care.

Uh, honey, I'd stay inside.

Mr. Conroy is edging the front yard with his weed whacker again.

But hey, hey, maybe if there's enough weed killer in your sperm, it'll dissolve all the microplastics in your testicles.

We'll be right back with Billie Eilish.

♪