Give it up for me, guys.

Thank you, man.

Appreciate it.

Thank you, man.

Thank you.

I'm lying, man. I'm lying.

There's just no better applause than fat-loss applause.

You ever notice that?

Fat-loss applause is the best.

You can't beat it, man.

It's not illegal to lie about weight loss.

I do it all the time. Applause feels good.

You should try it, you know?

Anytime I'm feeling down, I walk into a random Starbucks.

Nobody knows me.

I'm like, hey, guys, I may interrupt your studying, but one year ago today, I lost 100 pounds, man.

People started crying and shit.

They buy me free skinny latte.

It's a good time. Promise me you'll try it.

My name is Chinadu. That's my real name.

It's Nigerian, you know?

It makes me a Nigerian comedian.

It's no different being, like, a regular comedian, but it's really hard for me to build my fan base because nobody trusts me with their e-mail.

And I'm not this fam guy. It's my own...

I was trying to learn how to speak my native language better.

It's called Igbo, you know?

It's kind of my dad's fault. He tried to teach me too late.

I was in high school. My dad got the bright idea.

He tried to teach his son his native language.

I came home with a full backpack, just left basketball practice.

My dad had a bunch of Igbo words on the wall.

He was like, Chinadu, don't you want to learn some Igbo?

Yes.

I'm like, yeah, man, but I got Spanish homework.

I ain't got time for this shit. I'm busy now.

I know Spanish, but I don't do Igbo.

That's embarrassing me like another Nigerian born in Nigeria because they'll judge you.

Your name is Chinadu. Do you speak Igbo?

I'd be like, my brother, my brother, my brother.

Más o menos. That's the best I can do.

I speak Spanish in the Igbo accent.

Hope they don't notice.

I'm holding back a cough.

Is it? Can I cough in public yet?

Is that allowed? You know, it felt good.

I don't got COVID, I promise you.

Anybody have COVID right now?

No?

Make some noise if you never got COVID.

Never got COVID?

Never got COVID?

Man, grow up.

Get you some COVID, man. What you waiting for?

Pandemic come around every hundred years.

Test your immune system out.

You probably had it a bunch of times.

You just, you know, like systematic or some shit.

Am I saying it right?

You know what the fuck I mean.

You probably killed 10 grandmas, don't even know it.

Why everybody keep passing out around here?

Quarantine was rough, you know?

My girlfriend, she called me B-Nog during the quarantine.

This ever happen to you, bro?

No? What time you do it?

You don't do it? Get the fuck out of here.

I don't masturbate.

She called me, man.

I was mad how mad she was to offer it to her first.

But she said no. I was like, cool, I'm going to go read.

I thought we knew what that meant.

Everybody reads with a boner, man.

She was mad because she saw a laptop on my bed.

She thought I was watching a porno.

And I was.

But I told her I barely watch at all.

It's the truth. I cut back.

I'll never forget the day.

It's two years ago.

I finished doing what I came to do.

And instead of just leaving like an adult,

I was about to leave a comment on the video.

I was like, whoa, I am done.

I'm a comment king now?

I judge those motherfuckers, man.

You ever see no videos with like 300 comments on them?

Who are these niggas, man?

Just come and go, man. Be an adult.

Could have been better. Like, what the fuck?

They making friends and shit.

Now, the real reason I stopped watching porn, because all my favorite porn stars, they left the game.

They gone.

Everyone I screw up with, they all gone, bro.

You know what's fucked up when they leave?

They don't tell you.

They just go.

Porn stars should announce their retirement like athletes, man.

You got fans, baby.

There's this one young lady named Michelle Tucker.

She didn't drop a new video in like five years.

And I got worried about her.

I thought she tore her ACL, right?

Then she sexed it overseas.

Turns out she quit.

And now she sells Herbalife.

This is a true story.

Another one, she passed away not too long ago.

It was very sad on multiple levels, because she got a lot of great clips, but I can't.

I can't watch no more, man.

I can't beat off to no ghosts.

I can't do that shit.

Come on, man.

I ain't no Ghostbuster, man.

I ain't no Ghostbuster, man. Can't be out here.

Just out here beating off the spirits.

That's how your house get hunted.

My girl, she offered to watch the porno with me.

You ever done this? You ever part...

No, not yet?

Yeah, I turn it down, too.

She's a bad movie watcher.

And I don't want to see the porno version of that shit.

We were watching Spider-Man one time.

She was like, why does Spider-Man always got to be in New York?

I'm like, because that's the foundation of the fucking movie.

She's like, well, I can't be in a small town.

Small towns need love.

I'm like, there's not enough buildings in small towns.

Nobody try and watch Spider-Man fly from Chipotle to Buffalo and try to see that shit.

I'm getting older now.

So questions on dates are a lot more serious.

I was dating this one young lady, and she was like, why don't you want to get married?

You just told me you would die for me.

I said, that's true. I would die for you.

But getting married, especially to the wrong person, is like dying slowly.

I wouldn't die slowly for nobody right now.

I'll die suddenly for a lot of people.

I'm a hero at heart. I can feel it.

But I don't want to get tortured to death.

You have to really think about that.

Even when you're suicidal, when you want to die.

You jump off the 100th floor.

You don't jump off the second floor 100 times, right?

It's quick. It's fast.

You shoot yourself to death.

You don't pistol-whip yourself to death.

It's...

I was on one date, and it's the first date.

And I walk in the young lady to her car, and she says, well, make sure you walk on this side of the street.

What's the rule again? In case of a car comes, you die first, right? That's it.

Look, I'm with it.

Not the first date, though. Come on, man.

Don't be ridiculous.

Keep your eyes on the street.

I don't even know if you like me yet.

Yeah, what it look like dying on the first date?

Don't die on the first date, fella.

She ain't going to the funeral.

She not going.

I can hear the conversation now.

Girl, you think I should go? Girl, don't go.

You didn't know him like that.

But I think it's right.

Girl, he died for you on the first date.

That nigga thirsty.

I'm a little tired. I'm not going to lie.

I was on a red-eye flight a couple of days ago, and I couldn't sleep the whole flight because I had a very big responsibility.

I was an exit row member.

Has anyone here ever flown in the exit row before?

Then you know what it is. It's a big deal.

I love it. It's a great honor.

But the worst part about the exit row is that when you land safely, nobody thinks you for your service.

No one thinks you.

It's rude, because they take it serious.

For those who haven't flown, the flight attendant, he or she comes up, and she's like, you know, are you willing and able to assist in case of an emergency?

And you can't just give a thumbs up.

They'll yell at you, sir, I need a verbal yes.

They'll slap you in the face.

A lot of people just say yes, but I can tell the way they say it, they don't mean it.

Me, I take my time with those questions, because I don't want to lie.

I'm like, am I able?

Yes, I am able, thank God.

My arms and legs work.

But am I willing?

That's a heavy question, man.

I sit with it for a little bit.

I turn around, I look at the passengers behind me, and I think to myself, I don't know these niggas.

But they come with the leg room, so yes.

I am willing, and I mean it.

I read the whole pamphlet.

I take different trips to the bathroom, just checking on shit, you know?

By the time the flight lands, I'm exhausted.

But nobody class with me, man.

Not a head, not nothing.

You know how the pilot, he's standing next to the entrance, because he wants you to know that he flew the plane?

He'd be like, yes, that was me who landed you motherfuckers.

I stand right next to him, that was I in the exit row.

I'm willing and able.

Nobody cares.

I get my get back, though.

I go straight to baggage claim.

When everybody's trying to leave,

I stand right there by the bags.

I say, look, everybody, I know you're just trying to go home and see your family, but one year ago today,

I lost 100 pounds, man.

All right, guys, appreciate it, man.

Go to the rest of the show.