For the past couple days, I've been followed by this group of, I know it sounds crazy, but actual monsters, honest-to-god demons, I don't know what to make of it right now, they've been hunting me, trying to kill me, and I've had to bar myself up in this warehouse.

I don't know why they want to kill me, but I don't think I can keep running much longer.

L-l-l-listen, listen, this is for your ears, everyone that listens to this, I've been- I've been surveying them, listening to them, they talk to each other while they hunt me, my instruments have been picking up audio and video from, I don't know where, but somewhere else, I have to assume maybe even hell itself, but I've learned some things, lots of things, especially about their leader, his name is Blitz, kinda like Blitzkrieg, and he's, well, he's crazy, man, but I'm not gonna let him kill me without telling you everything I've gotten about him, or at least telling whatever government agents can see this, someone, someone has to get this to the government, so this is everything that I've got, fifty or so facts about Blitz that you may or may not know.

Number one.

First off, his voice.

There's no mistaking it, that's Brandon Rogers.

I don't know if he's just mimicking him, or if Rogers has secretly been a demon this whole time, but that's definitely his voice.

If you don't know, Brandon Rogers is an internet comedian who's very famous for his over-the-top and very raunchy humor.

That might actually explain a lot.

Number two.

Well, if you want even more proof, he's worn disguises before, and one of them just so happened to be so identical to Brandon Rogers' character Blah Blah the Clown.

Honestly, it's one of my favorites.

Sorry, I'm getting distracted.

Number three.

Apparently, he also has a classification.

He's an imp, supposedly the lowest tier in hell.

I don't want to think about people that are proof as well.

He can freely travel through the rings of hell, so don't even try and burn the guy if you see him.

It'll probably just piss him off.

Number five.

I've also confirmed he's pansexual, so if anyone wants to try and seduce him as a distraction and nab him, go ahead, anyone will do.

Number six.

His signature weapon seems to be some sort of demonic flintlock pistol, but he's modified it somehow because it can actually hit where he's aiming, and he doesn't even need to reload the damn thing, even though I haven't seen a magazine anywhere on it, and he just throws the damn gun when he runs out of ammo.

Number seven.

He's also incredibly athletic, and I think I've figured out why.

I've seen some old footage of him in this trapeze act as a kid, so he's been an acrobat for most of his life.

Number eight.

He's also somehow proficient in hand-to-hand combat, though I can't even begin to figure out where he gets all the time to learn all this stuff.

Number nine.

He's not alone either, and apparently he's got some sort of charisma, or at least maybe a hypnotic ability, because he's somehow managed to recruit other imps to his cause and seduce Stolas.

Yes, the Stolas from the Lesser Book of Solomon, who seems to be helping them on random occasions.

Number ten.

And of course, he's combined all of these abilities to get himself a I mean, who would have guessed capitalism still existed in hell?

Actually, no, no, that makes perfect sense.

But he's managed to scrounge these other demons together to make I.M.P. some sort of demonic hitman service.

I don't know who the hell I pissed off, but this seems a little excessive, don't you think?

Number eleven.

He has someone back at their base camp, a hellhound named Luna.

She seems to be like his daughter, but based on the interactions I've been able to pick up, she doesn't like him all that much.

Number twelve.

He's even marked have the talk on his office calendar to work on her people skills, and he even took the liberty of pinning his own head over Voracica's, so ego might be a weak point for him.

Exploit that however you will.

Number thirteen.

Now that I think about it, he should be happy to have her along.

She'd probably be safer, considering his office is set up in a condemned building, so safety regulations must be Number fourteen.

All of his skill might stem from something that I heard them mention, that he's some sort of superior I.M.P. level that makes him stronger than the other I.M.P.s, like the ones he's working with?

Now what makes him that way, I don't know, but I can certainly see some differences.

Number fifteen.

He's also apparently their main mode of transportation, even in hell, since he drives them all to the office every day in his van.

Number sixteen.

If you need to find him, I've managed to figure out that he's only about five feet tall, but he has massive horns that make him look much taller.

Number seventeen.

He also has a strange marking on his head, which matches the one on everyone in his family, and his fellow clown Fizzurali.

I can't tell if that's like a birthmark, a brand, a tattoo, or what, but none of the other I.M.P.s around seem to have that.

Number eighteen.

It would also seem that he has a connection to the Voracica Mayday.

Look, look, I know this is gonna sound insane, but I've seen her in hell.

She's a pop star down there as well, and apparently they used to date?

Based on footage that I've seen, it was after she became famous.

No idea how he pulled that off, but it seems that they had a bad breakup.

And honestly, I don't blame her.

Number nineteen.

I-I-I-I-I've only briefly mentioned his employees, um, he's obsessed with them.

He's constantly breaking into their house, watching them sleep through the window, watching them eat, watching them f- whatever, but I haven't been able to figure out why.

Maybe if you captured them, they might have some dirt on him.

Number twenty.

Even though his business seems one of a kind, he seems to be pretty unpopular as well.

I've seen some images of people spray painting I.M.P. as a scam on his office building, and it looks like they could be right if some of the billboards I've seen are to be believed.

Or not.

Number twenty one.

One way to get him, I suppose, would be to outsmart him.

He's really good with thinking on his feet, but he's certainly not educated.

Doesn't even know what insurance is.

I had to yell the word at him one time and it freaked him out enough for me to get away, so do with that what you will.

Number twenty two.

But he tried to educate himself, that much I do know.

Apparently they have colleges in Also makes sense, actually.

And he dropped out of one.

I mean, what would they even- oh shit!

You guys see him anywhere or what?

Nothing over here.

Well, he can't have gone far.

Humans don't exactly run that fast.

Yeah, well, you'd know a thing or two about that, wouldn't you, chubby?

Anyway, let's keep looking.

Ten Buck says I find him first.

Okay, okay, I think they're moving on.

I gotta be quieter.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Number twenty three.

Okay, so I did the math and apparently Blitz is about 36 years old, so if you see a mid-thirties man cosplaying as a demon, get him.

It could be him.

Number twenty four.

For some reason, he seems to have quite a few running jokes about one of his employees, Moxie.

Blitz seems to think that he's fat and has a tiny- well, you know, but he's one of the skinniest things I've ever seen, and I sure as hell ain't gonna get close enough to check the latter.

Number twenty five.

Blitz seems to take enjoyment from homeless people.

If you want to entertain him, apparently he loves to watch them struggle.

Number twenty six.

He also has a sister.

I mentioned his family earlier, but they used to have their own act at some point when they were adults, the Amazing Imp Twins, so she could be just as deadly as he is.

Number twenty seven.

After his show with his sister, it looks like he tried to do a solo act as the Incredible Blitzo.

Number twenty eight.

Also in his office, you can see that he's hung up four different ace playing cards, three of them soaked in blood and a separate one burnt.

Why he has them, I don't know, but they seem important to him.

Number twenty nine.

Speaking of which, his name is actually interesting.

He used to go by Blitzo, but apparently he's cut the O off for reasons I haven't been able to find out.

Maybe it's a point of turmoil?

I'm gonna try and use that to get away next time.

Number thirty.

But even after all of that, it seems like he tried to work at an amusement park called Lululand, but got shunted to the side by a robot replica of his old friend Fizzurali.

I mean, yeah, I'd feel bad for him if he wasn't trying to off me.

Number thirty one.

My footage tells me that he has a lemon tree growing in his office.

Sure, whatever hobbies you want to pick up.

It also has a no horrors sign on it, which kind of makes me question just what is going on in hell.

But hopefully I'm not going to find out soon.

Number thirty two.

Always be wary of his sidearm that I mentioned earlier.

But if he comes after with his full arsenal, he also has a sniper rifle that can be switched to full auto, which apparently also has an upside down crosshair for a reticle.

Number thirty three.

He's very wildly disrespectful to his clients if they can't pay up too.

Like when a teacher came down to use his business, which makes me wonder how he even stays in business.

Number thirty four.

Hell, not even the office building Blitz works in seems to like him.

He had to spray paint his own name onto a single parking space just to get his employees a spot, which was then immediately crossed out when Verasica showed up.

He must be really good on the rent at least.

Number thirty five.

The ultimate thing to distract him has to be horses.

I don't know why.

It's very weird, but he has an obsession with them.

I was able to get away at one point because I drove by a horse farm.

Number thirty six.

But apparently he also has a side obsession with a weird little cat puppet that he lost.

I never saw it again, but I caught a glimpse of it in my readings.

So I'm wondering where he got it from.

Number thirty seven.

He apparently has seven different emergency buttons hidden under his desk.

If you decide to go after him in hell, however the fuck you do that.

He's got three for clients, one for coffee, one for ghosts, one for shitting his pants, and one exclusively for Stolas.

Number thirty eight.

Despite his daughter's apparent hatred for him, I figured out he's extremely defensive of her, not even wanting her to leave the office.

I suppose I should be thankful I don't have a dog on my tail as well.

Number thirty nine.

But his daughter, right?

Apparently he adopted her five years ago when she was about to age out of the shelter.

Saying that out loud, that's kind of sweet, but I'm sure as hell not going to give him credit for it.

Number forty.

He has a safe somewhere in his office that much I've seen, and he locks it with a code of one, two, three, four.

Shit, maybe I'll steal from him after he offs me.

Number forty one.

In fact, all he keeps in that damn safe is a book and some sticky notes.

So he had it installed just to keep a book safe?

I don't know, maybe it's got blackmail in there as well.

Number forty two.

If you do somehow get down to hell, I've found out that he has a phone number for his business.

It's on posters in the building.

He somehow managed to land a phone number with a 666 area code and one too many digits to be a normal phone number, so it's not gonna work up here.

Believe me, I've tried.

Number forty three.

He seems to think of himself as some kind of artist too, so there's definitely a point of pride you can poke at.

He's drawn on others' pictures, he's hung up his own, he even has a collage that he uses as a shooting gallery in his office that includes him and his employees as horses, them kissing, his fellow clown Fizzurali, and some well-dressed snake I've only caught a glimpse or two of.

I really don't know, it's so confusing.

Number forty four.

He also has a painting of his employee as the Mona Lisa on his wall, so he apparently buys art as well and remakes it, though someone didn't really seem to like it.

Number forty five.

He can take pictures just fine though, it seems, cause he has plenty of framed photos in his own house.

Interestingly enough, he's scratched himself out of all of them.

Number forty six.

I believe either he or another demon that looked like him was in the audience during a musical number from this Princess of Hell's Arrival on 666 News.

There's too much to explain in that sentence, so I'm just gonna move on.

Number forty seven.

His father, who I figured out is named Cash Buxo because of course he is, doesn't really seem to value him that much, as he sold him, yeah, quite literally sold him, into a day of entertaining royalty at the price of, uh, and I'm quoting my notes here, uh, five dollars and a slim-fit condom, so yikes.

Number forty eight.

But his dad still seems to think that he's a good enough thief because Blitz stole so much from that house and Stolas doesn't even know.