Thank you all so very much for joining us.

We are coming to you live.

We...

We...

We... You may sit.

We just watched what you watched.

We just witnessed a debate between President Joseph Robinette Biden versus former President Donald Robinette Trump.

It was a highly anticipated affair.

According to the network, that was running it.

The first Biden-Trump debate a little over one month away right here on CNN.

We are less than two weeks away from the first presidential debate.

Just one week from today.

Welcome to the first workday of the most important week of the presidential campaign.

Three days and counting.

Just two days now.

About 30 hour... 30-ish hours.

Just over 24 hours.

12 1⁄2 hours.

Say the words.

It's debate day in America.

The candidates must have been so excited to know that they haven't missed it.

I imagine old man Biden opening his window and shouting at the street below, "You there, boy, what day is today?"

"Well, it's debate day, sir."

"Then there's still time. Prepare the debate goose."

Prior to the event, what did the political class believe would be the criteria for each candidate to be successful in the debate?

First, Donald Trump.

Trump has to show that he's not going to end democracy.

Don't respond in a way that the suburban mothers wouldn't like.

Don't interrupt Joe Biden.

Don't take the bait. Don't look like a bully.

Don't get angry.

Portray normalness.

Can't you just pretend to be normal for 90 minutes?

How is that advice for a presidential debate and not what you would say to your parents when you bring home a date for the first time?

"Can you not talk about January 6th? And please don't do your Asian voice. I really like this girl."

But that's Trump.

Surely the expectations on President Biden will be higher.

He absolutely cannot have a senior moment.

A physical or verbal stumble, him forgetting something.

Any of his kind of freezing moments.

Stay alert, to stay engaged, and to stay awake.

President Biden has to show that he can stand there for an extended period of time.

Remain upright.

Remain upright to be president.

You know, I may be mistaken, but I believe those are the same qualifications needed to be scarecrow.

Tonight, the president must show the country that he can keep our corn safe.

But then it was time for the actual debate, and let's see how it began.

Both men came out and, oh, yes, okay.

And then, of course, both men are ambulatory.

They are both upright.

Level one cleared.

It's going to be an important discussion between two important men.

What are the rules?

We want to share the rules of the debate with the audience at home.

Each candidate will have two minutes to answer a question and one minute each for responses and rebuttals.

What the? What can you do in two minutes?

I can't even articulate what's wrong with your entire setup to this debate.

An ad break to watch a Hulu show is three minutes.

What can you do in two minutes?

But, all right, that's going to winnow out anything that might be interesting or substance, but let's begin.

We know the bar that's been set up for each to pass.

Biden has to not look old and not have a senior moment.

Go.

Making sure that we're able to make every single solitary person eligible for what I've been able to do with the COVID, excuse me, with dealing with everything we have to do with.

If we finally beat Medicare.

Thank you, President Biden.

I need to call the real estate agent in New Zealand.

Okay, a high-pressure situation.

A lot of times you can confuse saving Medicare with beating it.

I'm sure it's not something that repeated throughout the debate causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin.

Anybody can f**k up talking.

How did Biden do not talking?

How close the police are to him.

Almost every police group in the nation from every state, and everybody wanted to get it back to the states.

Everybody.

And China, nothing.

And Russia, nothing.

And India, nothing.

I will have that reporter out.

He should have had him out a long time ago because I didn't have legislation.

I said, close the border.

We had the safest border in history.

Not great.

But a lot of people have resting 25th Amendment face.

I'm not a political expert.

But while Biden was preparing at Camp David for a week, did anyone mention he would also be on camera?

On the split screen, is there any moment here that can save Biden?

This is the first presidential election since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade.

Abortion, we're back, baby!

Abortion! A to the B to the O to the R to the T to the repeal of Roe v. Wade.

That is Trump's weakest issue.

It's been a great thing.

Oh, he is f*****!

He is f*****!

It's a great thing!

Hit him, Joey!

It's been a terrible thing, what you've done.

It's a terrible...

This is awesome!

We are done here.

T-K-O... No, no, no.

Joe, Joe, Joe, don't say anything else!

Joey!

The idea that states are able to do this is a little like saying we're going to turn civil rights back to the states, let each state have a different rule.

Look, there's so many young women who have been, including a young woman who just was murdered, and he went to the funeral.

The idea that she was murdered by an immigrant coming into...

They talk about that.

Did you just immigration abortion?

I know abortion is one of our strongest issues, but let me for a moment talk about immigrants killing and raping people.

It's one of our weakest.

Folks, I think sportsmanship would insist that an opponent not seize on opportunities such as this.

There have been many young women murdered by the same people he allows to come across our border.

So how do we do this now?

Do I take his car back to the White House tonight?

I mean, come on!

We done with this shit?

Do I just UPS his stuff?

I mean, come on!

That was...crazy what he did just now.

So Biden perhaps not on top of his game.

Maybe I will check out this young upstart, Donald Trump.

Obviously, the election is a binary choice.

So let me see what this Trump fella is about.

As we learned earlier, he just had to come in there and not be an asshole.

He doesn't care about our veterans.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't like the military at all.

Probably the worst administration in history.

The worst presidency in the history of our country.

This shouldn't be a debate.

He is the worst president.

I really don't know what he said at the end of that sentence.

I don't think he knows what he said either.

He challenged me to a golf match.

He can't hit a ball 50 yards.

Does not appear to have passed the asshole test.

See me after debate.

All right, Trumper.

What do you got on substance?

We're the greatest economy in the history of our country.

A lot of credit for the military and no wars and so many other things.

Everything was rocking good.

But the thing we never got the credit for and we should have is getting us out of that COVID mess.

He allowed millions of people to come in here from prisons, jails, and mental institutions.

The only jobs he created are for illegal immigrants.

We had the lowest taxes ever.

I didn't have sex with a porn star.

She was a porn character actor at best.

I'm not saying she couldn't open a movie, but...

So just so we're all clear.

Everything that Donald Trump said in that clip is a lie.

Blatant and full.

And we were tight on time putting this whole s**t together.

There's plenty more.

Really makes you wonder, what's RFK Jr. doing tonight?

Maybe he's got something.

Wait, what's that?

I'm sorry.

Oh, vaccines.

No, I see.

That's...

But yeah, sure, there's side effects to...

Oh, all of them.

Okay.

And a wormware?

Okay, fair enough.

His vice presidential running mate donated...

Okay, anyway.

There was, of course, a moment where I kind of thought we were getting substantive.

I was recently in France for D-Day, and I spoke all about those heroes that died.

I went to the World War II cemetery, World War I cemetery he refused to go to.

He was standing with his four-star general, and he told me, he said,

"I don't want to go in there because they're a bunch of losers and suckers."

My son was not a loser, was not a sucker. You're the sucker. You're the loser.

Shit just got real.

First of all, that was a made-up quote.

A made-up quote, which I think in Trump land means, that's a real quote.

That's a quote.

But this is about our nation's veterans, foreign policy.

This is important to Biden.

Come on, brother.

Four-star general standing to your side who was on your staff who said you said it.

Period.

We've done more for veterans than any president has in American history.

The only sacred obligation we have as a country is to care for our veterans when they come home and their families, and equip them when they go to war.

That's what we're doing.

That's what the VA is doing now.

They're doing more for veterans than ever before in our history.

All right, thank you so much.

Let's move to the topic of foreign policy.

Wait, what?

Move on?

No, we don't move. Stay on that topic.

Not move on, dot, no.

Don't go moving on.

Who came up with these dumb-ass fxxking rules and why would any of these people agree to them?

The one thing that we did prove tonight is that the MAGA conspiracy theory about Biden's upcoming debate performance was nonsense.

A little before debate time, he gets a shot in the ass.

They are giving the president some sort of a stimulant, an ADD drug, Adderall, Ritalin.

New drugs that are out there that are specifically for Alzheimer's or Parkinson's.

A lot of caffeine pills.

B12.

Debate Viagra.

Well, uh, certainly there are drugs that can be used to energize a person in that state.

I, uh...

apologize for how fast I'm talking now.

I...

I'm on those drugs.

Let me just say after watching tonight's debate...

Both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs.

I'm sorry.

Both.

As much of it as they can get as many times a day as their bodies will allow.

If performance-enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and in one of the candidates' cases, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism, then suppository away.

Guess what, everybody?

They should be taking whatever magical drugs can kick their brains into gear, because this ain't Olympic swimming.

You know what I'm saying?

"Oh, he solved the Middle East, but he was doping, so it doesn't count.

There's gonna be an asterisk next to his presidency."

And by the way, if those drugs don't exist, if there aren't actually performance-enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure... fxxking use some recreational ones right now, because this cannot be real life.

It just can't.

We're America!

God!