Mynegotiationbackgroundreallystartedevenbefore I becameanFBIhostagenegotiatorbecause I neededtogetsometrainingandthattrainingwasreallyintense, focusedlisteningon a suicidehotline.
Reallylearningaboutemotionalintelligenceandwhatdrivespeopleandthenhowtonavigatethatin a waythatcalmspeopledown, makespeoplemakedecisions.
Soifyoutakehostagenegotiationskills, whicharenavigatinghumanemotionsandyouputtheminthemiddleofbusinessandpersonalnegotiations, you'veactuallygot a greatwaytoworkyourwaythroughbusinessnegotiationsandpersonalandeverydaylifenegotiations.
Everydecisionyoumake, youmakebasedonwhatyoucareabout, which I'm afraidthatbydefinitionthatmakesdecisionmakinganemotionalprocess.
Firstofall, understandingwheretheotherside's comingfrom, andespeciallyemotionally, andthenbeingabletofeeditbacktothemin a waythattheysignaltoyouthatyou'vegotitright.
Understandanddemonstratethatunderstanding.
Thereare a lotofnegotiatorsthatreallywillgiveinon a dealbecausebeingunderstoodismoreimportantthangettingwhattheywant.
Sooncewecompletelyunderstandwheresomebody's comingfrom, thenwithtacticalempathy, weget a muchbetterfeelforexactlyhowtheyfeelaboutthings, howthatdrivesthem, andthenhowwecaninteractwiththethingsthataredrivingthem.
Thereasonsyouwon't make a dealaretypicallymoreimportantthanthereasonsyouwillmake a deal.
There's a NobelPrizewinningbehavioraleconomicstheorythatsaysthatpeoplewillput a valueoflossesonatleasttwicewhatanequivalentgainis.
Solosing $5 stingsatleasttwiceasmuchasgaining $5.
Losing $5 feelslikelosing $10 oreven $35.
It's just a ridiculousskewinginourbrainsoverloss.
Soknowingthatfearoflossisprobablygoingtodrivesomeone's decisionmakingmorethananythingelse, tactically, I wanttodiffusethosefears.
I wanttogetthemoutofthatfear-basedthinking, and I wanttogetthemreallyin a morerational, openframeofmindasquicklyas I can, whichiswhytactically, inempathy, I wanttoaddresstheirfearsfirst.
Peoplewillrevealthenegativesverymucheitherbetweenthelines, a littlebitoftheadjectives, andthenalsoineverypositive, there's a flipsidenegative.
Everynegative, there's a flipsidepositive.
If I makeit a pointoftalkingabouthow I'm forintegrity, thenifyou'remakingit a pointtostatethat, thenyou'vebeenbetrayedinthepast.
That's been a problemforyouinthepast.
There's a yinandyangtoeverything.
Andassoonasyourealizethat, thatthere's a negativetoeverypositiveand a positivetoeverynegative, andyou'relisteningforit, youcankindofpickouthowyouwanttoguide a discussion, knowingthatthosearethethingsthatyou'relookingfor.
I rememberonetime I wasonthephonewith a customerserviceairlinesperson.
Andthat's gottobe a toughjobbecausethosepeoplegetyelledatalldaylong, everyday.
Nobodycallscustomerserviceunlessthey'reunhappy.
Andthiswomanwasoneofthosewomenthatclearlyshe'd beenyelledat 50 timesduringtheday, andshewasnotinterestedinstayingonthephonewithme a momentlongerthanshehadto.
And I rememberwhen I wasoffthephoneandshehadmeonhold, I remembersaying, youknow, I guaranteeyouthiswomanrightnowisthinking, she's sayingtohercolleagues, youknow, thisguy's lucky I'm talkingtohimon a phoneatall.
Mynegotiationbackgroundreallystartedevenbefore I becameanFBIhostagenegotiatorbecause I neededtogetsometrainingandthattrainingwasreallyintense, focusedlisteningon a suicidehotline.
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