We thought it was important to see it again, since it might be the only presidential debate.

And it was pretty fun to watch, as long as you don't live in America.

Good evening. I'm your moderator, Chris Wallace.

And I think I'm gonna do a really, really good job tonight.

First, I want to lay out the rules, which both parties agreed to in advance.

Each candidate will have two minutes, uninterrupted.

Boring.

Mr. President, I haven't even introduced the candidates yet.

Tell that to my Adderall, Chris.

Now let's get this show on the road and off the rails.

And you did take the COVID test you promised to take in advance, correct?

Absolutely. Scout's honor.

Well, President Trump has already introduced himself, so let's now welcome the Democratic candidate.

Boo. Here comes the booing.

Former vice president of the United States.

Allegedly.

And senator from Delaware.

Not even a real state.

Joe Biden.

Mr. Vice president.

Just one second, Chris.

Okay.

It looks like...

It looks like you're ready to debate, Joe.

Absolutely not.

I've got the beginning of 46 thoughts.

Now let's do this.

I'm holding my bladder. Let's get at her.

Tonight we'll be discussing six major topics, none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow.

We begin with the Supreme Court.

President Trump, two minutes.

I'm gonna do ten.

I'd like to begin with a list of complaints.

People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean.

Chris Wallace is mean.

The economy is mean.

It keeps losing jobs, which is mean to me.

And the China virus has been very mean to me by being a hoax, and that statement will not come back to haunt me later this week.

And-and what about the question I asked you about the Supreme Court?

I think I answered that already.

We're very excited about our nominee, Amy Cristina Barcelona, and it was so nice...

so nice to welcome her the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

Mr. Vice President, same question.

You have two minutes.

Thank you, Chris.

Now, look, here's the deal.

No, it's not.

Excuse me. Please.

No, whatever you're gonna say, no.

Mr. President, please let him speak.

He let you speak. Now let him speak.

But he's lying.

I can't point out if he says a lie?

I said two words, you son of a...

No.

Don't do it, Joe.

That's exactly what he wants.

Don't let your inner Whitey Bulger come out.

Just flash them all that smile they taught you in anger management.

Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider adding additional justices to the Supreme Court?

He won't even answer.

I just asked the question.

And he won't even answer it, just like he won't answer what about his son Hunter and Burisma and the mayor of Moscow and Obama was spying on me and he emailed Benghazi.

Mr. President, no one understands what you're saying.

You're just listing terms you heard on Fox News and it sounds like you're saying the names of characters from a season four of a show that no one has watched.

Sheriff of Portland.

Mr. Vice President, please answer.

Now look, here's the deal.

Can I respond to that, Chris?

Will you just shut up?

Sorry.

I'm sorry, I misspoke.

What I meant to say was I'd appreciate it very much if you could just allow me to finish my responses as opposed to sabotaging every waking moment with a toxic geyser of verbal diarrhea you cracked out turd-hurling sack of rancid dog snot.

Losing control.

Back to you, Chris.

You still have two minutes, Joe.

Oh, really?

Where was I?

You said, "Look, here's the deal."

Oh, right.

Look, here's the deal.

Nope, lost it.

Come back to me.

Chris, can I say one thing?

Am I allowed to say one thing?

Yes, Mr. President.

What we need in this country is law and order.

When someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences.

No exceptions.

Okay, what about your taxes?

There have to be exceptions, Chris.

The terms law and order, they're very vague terms, and rules are meant to be broken.

It's the same with masks.

I've got mine right here in my pocket, okay?

My mask, all right?

It's like a seatbelt, though.

You just wear it when you're backing out of the driveway, then you take it off, okay?

But Joe wears the biggest mask I've ever seen, and he's standing, like, 200 feet away from everybody.

Look, man, I'm a nice guy, but if you give me any more guff tonight, I'll rip your face off like a mad chimp.

I'll knock that thing off your head and burn it, bury it in the pet cemetery where it came from.

Stop it, Joe, stop it!

God, you can't lose your cool just because this joker's raising little monkey dust.

The country's counting on you to just stand here and look lucid.

I know it.

I know what'll calm me down.

My new Harry Styles meditation tape.

We dip our toes in the cold, wet sand.

Nice.

And sit and face the sea.

Cleansing.

We let the waves wash over us.

Alone, just you and me.

Hey.

And I better listen to, uh, my meditation tape as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and fighters for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best is yet to come!

All right, can we please have a civilized dialogue?

Debates are a time-honored tradition and the bedrock of American democracy.

Gay.

Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I'll do absolutely nothing about it.

Okay, okay, I'll be quiet.

I don't want to be dictated to, and I'm not going to be distracted anymore by this clown tonight.

Okay?

I'm definitely going to concentrate.

I'm going to try to keep my...

What is that?

Where's that coming from?

Mr. President, please, stop using a laser pointer.

It's not, it's not.

This is a wand that cures the COVID.

Okay?

All right. Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.

Now, both of you, this stops right now.

All right?

You look at me, Donald.

You do not treat my Joe like that. All right?

He's a nice boy.

Come on. I got this.

Uh-uh, Joe.

Let Mama Lagota work.

Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe.

He started it.

Hey!

Hey!

I don't care who started it.

All right?

I don't even care who sharted it.

Now, you apologize to Joe now.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, what's that?

I said sorry. Okay? Are you happy now?

I think if there's one thing we learned tonight, it's that America needs a WAP.

Woman as president.

But for now, I'll settle for HVPIC.

Hot vice president in charge.

So why don't the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with some dignity, and when you're done, I've got you boys some PB&J and apple slices waiting for you back there.

Yummy!

Want a massage?

Thank you, Senator Harris.

Oh, I am not done with you, Christopher Wallace.

You will see me in my office after the debate.

Now, where the hell is my martini?

Finally, just to ensure that this is the worst presidential debate in history, I'd like to close with white supremacy.

Ooh, baby, come to papa.

Mr. President, I'll ask you directly.

Do you condemn white supremacists?

Condemn them?

I don't know any.

I mean, who are you even talking about?

The Proud Boys?

The White Boot?

The Eugenics Eagles?

I didn't even know any of these groups.

I certainly wouldn't even know how to signal them if I tried.

America, are you listening to this?

The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.

I don't think this thing is working.

I don't hear anything.

Mr. Vice President, your closing statement.

Well...

That is so unfair.

Why don't I get to make a closing statement first?

After all, I am the pres...

Sorry, but I think we all needed a break.

Isn't that satisfying?

Just not to hear his voice for a single goddamn second.

Let's wallow in it.

Let's bask in the Trump-less-ness.

Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?

Is it gonna be weird?

Totally.

Totally weird.

America, look at me.

Look directly into my eyeballs.

You can trust me because I believe in science and karma.

Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be.

I'm not saying I want it to happen.

Just imagine if it did.

So, this November, please get on the Biden train, which is literally a commuter train to Delaware.

And we can all make America not actively on fire again.

Okay.

Now I'll unpause him.

Antifa!

Nope, can't do it.

Gonna leave him on pause.

Oh, and one more thing.

Live from New York, Saturday Night Live!