What?

Bam- Boo!

Is that like racial because I'm Asian and- Oh my god!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Scissors, paper, rock.

Who goes first?

Sure.

Alright.

Scissors, paper, rock.

So I go first?

Yeah.

Okay.

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hen's meat.

Good joke.

So Alan, what's blue and not very heavy?

I don't know.

Light blue.

Oh, oh.

Is this tequila?

Yeah.

I think I'm allergic to tequila.

Are you?

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI?

Sorry.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

A guy walks into a British curry shop and he says, can I have one chicken korma?

And the guy behind the counter says, call me right up.

What's the scariest plant in the forest?

What?

Bamboo!

Is that like racial because I'm Asian?

My granddad couldn't make it to Christmas dinner this year.

He couldn't make it due to COVID complications.

Was that a joke?

No, just my diary.

Okay.

Fuck.

Okay.

Um.

Why?

Sorry.

Sorry.

I just want to be a good audience.

Okay.

Fuck.

My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Oh my god.

I feel like that was a laugh.

I'm going to drink this.

Um.

Oh fuck.

Fuck.

Yes.

I'm winning?

Yes.

Shut up.

Do you think if something bad happens to a Buddhist, a Buddhist goes, ah, ah, Buddha coulda woulda.

That was so dumb.

So dumb.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many?

None.

They all just sit in the dark and cry.

Oh.

Why didn't my parents get each other a Valentine's gift this year?

Why?

Because they were both victims of the robo-debt scheme.

Nothing?

That's topical.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

That's a good joke.

And people at home will get that joke, because that's a good joke.

It's fucking bullshit.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said that onions are the only food that make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Take whatever I can get.

I don't.

My dad works at a chip shop.

Yeah, a microchip shop.

He works at Pfizer.

That's a good joke.

Yeah, I know.

Thanks.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone, and remember there are no speed bumps.

Oh.

Makes me sad.

Because they died.

The children died.

Yeah, I am a comedian.

My comedy's been doing really well.

In fact, I was recently rated as one to watch by the New South Wales police.

Nothing?

I was raised an only child, which I think was really hard for my sister.

Yeah.

I think I'm having a reaction.

Are you OK?

No, it's fine.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the Nobel Prize.

He's a genius.

That's good.

It's not bad.

I liked it.

It's pretty good and I feel pretty sick.

My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.

Especially because his name is Steve.

That's just rude.

That's just...

Can you see the Asian flush yet?

No, you're good.

I feel bad.

Sorry, did I fuck up the mic?

Yeah.

You're good.

You got this.

Thank you, you're so supportive.

What kind of music do balloons like?

Pop music.

Good.

Someone should pop a gun in my face.

God damn it.

I wrote a song about a tortilla, but it was more of a rap.

You want to laugh.

I do.

God damn it, I want to laugh too.

Why do hamburgers go dancing?

Sorry.

What?

Fuck that up, eh?

Fuck, I'm so hot.

Can I take my shirt off?

Is that OK?

Did I fuck up the sound?

Did I lose?

Oh, I won?

Take it off and tell the joke.

I'll hold it and then I'll...

Alright.

Am I still going?

No, another one.

Sorry, it's so hot.

Sorry.

Where do hamburgers go dancing?

A meatball.

Oh.

What?

Alright.

Do you have another one?

That was...

Oh.

Got it.

Very good.

My therapist said time heals all wounds.

So I stabbed her.

We just found out my grandpa is now addicted to Viagra.

No one's taking it harder than me.

LAUGHTER It's not even funny.

I think it's just a combination of everything.

Yeah, OK.

Alright, I gotta go.

Well done.

Bye.

LAUGHTER CHEERING APPLAUSE Can I just say thanks for doing this with me?

No, thank you.

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Alright, hit me.