This is a late night. We hope you're doing well.

And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.

While speaking last night at the Republican National Convention,

Nikki Haley said, quote, "there are some Americans who don't agree with Donald Trump 100% of the time.

For example, all the speakers at the RNC just a few months ago."

That's right.

Nikki Haley spoke at the RNC last night and said that former President Trump has her, quote, "strong endorsement, period."

And then Mike Johnson tried to have her arrested for saying period.

Former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz appeared to get into a verbal argument last night on the floor of the Republican National Convention.

Also on the floor of the Republican National Convention, Rudy Giuliani.

Did the punchline have anything to do with the setup?

No.

But this is a stressful time in America, and we got to find joy where we can.

After Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz confronted...

Excuse me. After Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz confronted former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy at the Republican National Convention last night, McCarthy reportedly said, quote...

Excuse me. Are you telling this guy not to be an ass...

Would you tell the sun not to shine or the grass not to grow?

Would you tell the surf not to crash on the shore?

Look at that guy.

That is a perfect central casting ass...

If you were a decent person and you were about to embark on a year-long campaign to try and become the best ass... you could ever be, this is the picture you'd tape to your fridge.

In a phone conversation between former President Trump and independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. that was leaked this week,

Trump appears to criticize vaccines for babies and said the syringes look, quote, "like it's meant for a horse."

Though, to be clear, he's not against humans taking horse medicine.

Former President Trump said in a new interview that he wants Taiwan to pay the U.S. for protection, or else what, they sleep with the fishes?

Are you running for president or head of the Gambino crime family?

President Biden is reportedly considering endorsing changes to the Supreme Court, including term limits and a code of ethics, when he heard Justice Clarence Thomas was so shocked his monocle popped out and landed in his caviar.

A man who allegedly got caught in the tide off the coast of Queens was recently rescued off the coast of New Jersey after treading water overnight, which, by the way, is still the fastest way to get from Queens to New Jersey.

It's a local joke.

But if you're watching at home, don't come here.

It's a disaster, dude.

It's a...disaster.

Authorities in Philadelphia are looking for thieves who allegedly stole 400 cases of beef, or, as it's known in Philly, an entire day's worth.

According to a new study, men with beards are more likely to stay in romantic relationships than clean-shaven men.

Okay, well, also, there's, like, one woman at the North Pole.

And, finally, the FDA has issued a warning to several companies this week in an effort to crack down on so-called copycat snacks that are packaged like popular brands but contain drugs such as Trips Ahoy, this news first reported by the giraffe in Billy's closet.

And that was a monologue, everybody!

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