We're here doing a pre-event security sweep where Trump will be having his rally in two weeks here in Pennsylvania.

That's right.

The security of the president and his life are our only objectives.

We're going to need this tree line taken down to offer more of a clear line of sight from that area directly to the podium.

Hey Spinetti, what do you think of this building 150 yards from the podium with a ladder affixed to the back of it?

150 yards?

We should consider that outside of the 500-yard perimeter.

Copy that.

Hey, it looks like this roof has a pretty clear line of sight going straight to the podium.

You think we should station someone up there?

Negative.

The director said the roof is way too sloped.

She considers it too dangerous for agents whose job it is to take a bullet for the president.

What is that?

About a 10-degree angle?

It's actually 5 degrees.

So no agents up there.

Instead, she wants them up there on that roof with a 30-degree slope.

Roger that.

So any agents stationed on the ground over by the ladder of that building?

No, that building 150 yards from the stage is outside of our 500-yard perimeter.

Ah, big numbers.

Copy that.

Now in the unlikely event that there is a disruption, what's going to be our exit strategy for the president?

I, you know, I think we'll just kind of feel it out in a moment.

See what's up then.

Oh, go with the flow?

Kind of like a Daoism?

Exactly.

You know, kind of rise to the occasion kind of thing.

All right, we're all secure here.

Good work today, Spinetti.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Ah, it's a good day for a rally.

Cletus, we've got reports of a man with a rifle near Building 3.

Copy that.

I'll get eyes on him in about 30 minutes.

Cletus, yeah, we're now being informed by 37 eyewitnesses that the man is climbing atop

Building 3 with a device shaped similarly to a rifle.

What is, is he hunting?

Probably.

There's a lot of whitetail in the area.

Well, you know, venison's pretty good if you know how to cook it right.

Sure is.

Yeah, butter, butter, some red wine.

All right.

Well, just report back to me.

Let me know if he gets a deer.

Get down, get down, get down, get down.

Shot, shot's fired.

Oh, did he get one?

Uh, apparently he was shooting at the stage.

Shh, shh.

What?

There's deer on the stage?

Uh, they're saying he shot Trump.

What?

That doesn't sound right.

Let me check Twitter.

Oh my God!

He shot Trump!

What?

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Yeah, he got him!

Oh God, oh God, oh God, this is bad.

Dude, just calm down.

What do we do?

I don't know.

I thought you knew what to do.

Holy shit, dude.

We could have been killed.

I know.

Okay, we gotta get to the stage.

Come on.

Oh, Jesus.

House.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, I think it's, I think it's loaded.

Come on!

What do we do when we get to the stage?

Take cover behind the president.

He's got a big body.

Copy that.

Now what?

Get your head down, idiot.

There might be more shots fired.

Oh.

Sir, Mr. Trump, do you watch out for your blood?

It's getting all over my suit.

I don't even see any deer up here.

He might have been trying to shoot the president.

Really?

Maybe.

Okay, they're moving him.

We're losing our cover.

Let's get to the car.

Okay.

Where's the car?

Why?

I don't have the keys.

I think someone else parked it.

Why is there no one here to help us?

I don't know.

Like, they got the president in the car.

Let's get there.

Secure the perimeter of the vehicle.

Copy.

Copy.

How do you know if you're having a panic attack?

Okay.

I think we're good.

Okay, good.

I think we're at the wrong car.

Yeah, no one's in there.

Huh?

Yeah.

Looks like this just isn't the right car.

When we were running up, I could have sworn it was a giant black SUV.

Oh, I could have sworn it was.

F**k.

We at Trump Secret Service Detail that works for the Biden administration consider the security of today's rally to be a great success.

That's right.

Let's not forget that only one president was shot today.

And he only got shot once.

And it was in the ear, and he has two of those.

Plus, he lived.

And we neutralized the would-be assassin in under 60 minutes from the first sighting.

That's pretty good.

That's fantastic.

Especially when you consider that that is less time than your average episode of 60 minutes.

We'd also like to thank the director of the U.S. Secret Service for her initiatives in hiring a diverse team of agents with a diverse range of abilities, good and bad, when it comes to protecting a former president from being murdered in public.

Yeah, as part of the mentally handicapped community, there's not many other organizations that are willing to hire people like us for jobs that involve having guns and keeping presidents alive.

So, for our work today, you're welcome.

You're in good hands, America.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to go eat mayonnaise out of jars because we think it's peanut butter.

Mm.

You have any more of those paint chips?

Got a few.

That's right.

The security of the president and keeping him alive are our only objectives.

Oh.

How is that?

Hello?

It's Jack.

Hey, Jack.

Oh, tell him I said hi.

Hey, Stinson says hi.

Yeah, I got time to talk.

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