I have tried to film this video for months, but I just like wasn't in the right emotional state to share anything about my life because there's been a lot of change.

I think the big and obvious one is that Ben and I broke up.

It feels really weird to say that out loud.

After being online for, I don't even know how many years, like 13 years, I have some pretty bright lines of what I like to share about my life and what I don't, and usually my rule of thumb is I don't talk about anything online unless I have 100% have healed from it.

But this situation is different because I am like still like actively going through it and I feel like I will for some time.

I gotta say I'm in like a much better place now.

But it's still like, it still makes me really emotional talking about it.

The decision to break up was a loving one.

Like I was with Ben for, it would have been 10 years, this year.

And there's like still so much love for him.

There always will be.

He's like, he's family.

He's the father of our son.

We've shared like so many pivotal life moments together, you know?

And I think instead of just like wallowing in the fact that it's over, I'm choosing to like celebrate that we got to experience it.

This break up is unlike any other one I've ever been through because even though we are separated, I still see him every day because we show up for our son.

And we're on the same team and we're always gonna have each other's backs.

Like there's no sides to choose because we're one unified force together.

I'm really proud of us because we have established a really good rhythm with co-parenting.

We have a schedule.

But honestly, in the end, our relationship will always be the chunk of our family.

And our priority will always be our son.

And so maintaining a level of love and mutual respect is just like it will always be up there.

This chapter in my life has been disorienting.

I feel like that's like the best word to describe it.

I have like two dominant moods.

When I'm feeling good, I literally feel like I'm floating.

Floating to new territories, new waters.

It's exhilarating because everything feels so novel.

But then on the flip side, when I'm feeling down, it feels like I am just free falling out of a plane with no parachute on my back.

And I think the thing that really anchors me is my son.

Like he really grounds me.

One of my favorite things that we do together is blowing bubbles after dinner time.

We have made it a daily ritual.

This is an activity that I know that we can just get lost in.

Blowing bubbles is actually quite meditative.

Like when I am blowing the bubbles, I am there.

I am in the flow with him.

And I feel like the bubbles are symbolic with the emotions that I'm feeling, even my thoughts.

Because I never know what thoughts will bubble and float into my mind.

Each one is always a different shape, a different mood.

And no matter how large or small or intricate the bubble, in the end, they always pop.

They disappear.

So Lennon is almost three years old.

And when I look at him, I feel so much.

Like so much emotions.

Like I sob a lot.

And they're happy tears.

They're sad tears.

And I think, you know, to any average person, he might just look like a curious, lively toddler.

But when I see him, he encapsulates all these different time frames.

I can't change anything that happened in the past.

And I'm kind of helpless with what's going to happen in the future or what's not going to happen.

But like what I can do in that present moment is give him my full undivided attention and just relish in it.

I am still trying to find a good balance of sharing that I'm a mom, but also protecting my son's privacy.

It's like a thin line, you know?

Like he is a central part of my life.

But I don't feel comfortable sharing too much of his stuff.

Like I'm trying to like reduce his digital footprint.

Then I just end up not sharing him at all for a period of time.

And then I start getting these like comments that I am a bad mother or like, where's your kid?

Jen hates being a mom, which could not be further from the truth.

It's like kind of crazy that I actually even have to address this.

Anyone in my life knows how much I participate and show up in my son's life.

And oh my gosh, like I actually feel myself getting a little defensive.

What the heck, Jen?

No, I honestly think it's because, you know, being online for so long, you're used to getting a barrage of like negative comments.

But like once you get a negative comment enough, you just become numb to it.

But this like being under fire for being a bad parent is just new for me.

So I think I'm just getting used to it.

But yeah, I just wanted to make it clear that I love being his mom.

I love being a mom.

It's an extremely important role and job.

Like it is my number one job.

Like I want to make sure that I'm trying my best and that's all I can do.

Like if anything, I'm just trying to navigate what I choose to share about my son's life and like what to keep private.

When I was in my 20s, I had no issue with recording all parts of my life.

Anything was fair game.

But I'm realizing maybe it was because life was a lot more simpler back then.

I was just hanging out, getting dolled up to go to an event or whatever.

But you know, as you get older, life becomes a little bit more complex and layered.

And some things are just impossible to package in a simple, cheery, positive way.

And sometimes it's just best to keep things offline, even the euphoric moments.

That way you can just like actually really, really enjoy it.

I am single now, which is kind of crazy.

I think the simplest way to put it is I am adjusting to this.

Because when you're in a long-term relationship, it's so easy to slip into the grooves of monogamy.

Like a lot of your choice is dependent on, you know, your partner.

Not because it's like a control issue, but it's just, you know, you're just like, you like automatically know who your plus one, like who you're taking to the party, what your weekend plans are.

Because if you have a kid, those weekends are definitely, you gotta like pack in some date night because you just need some time as a couple.

It just feels like weird and empty at times.

But I'm like trying to like romanticize it.

I'm in this fresh territory where the decisions that I make are ones that only require my own input.

And now when I have my alone time, I'm really alone.

Like alone, bolded.

I am just searching for a new version of me.

And I'm like slowly discovering this on my healing journey.

I am hanging out so much with my family and my friends.

I'm just like leaning the out of my support system.

In April, I went to Korea with my mom.

We did like our annual trip.

This time was a little bit different because I went to Seoul on my own for a couple of days.

And I just met up with friends to connect and decompress.

I stayed with Joan for a few days, which was so fun.

It was like fun playing roommates.

And then afterwards, I stayed at a hotel for a few days with my friend Christina.

Then afterwards, I went to the countryside to meet up with my mom and my aunt and my uncles.

And it was just so incredibly healing to be on my uncle's farm.

Like that is heaven to me.

It's just like you have like shitty Wi-Fi, but you're just surrounded in nature.

And just like I just love the simplicity of the Korean countryside.

Every time I'm there, I feel like a kid.

I feel like especially when you have your own kid, you're always like used to making like executive choices and like doing stuff for the family.

But when I was in Korea, I could just be the baby girl again.

Every day, I didn't know what the plan was.

I just looked to my emo being like, what are we eating?

What are we doing?

Just tell me the plan and I'm just gonna slip into the itinerary.

It felt really nice to just feel cared for.

And it was just like my time there is always invaluable.

I'm also in the process of redecorating my house.

This is like a project that I have been delaying for a long time.

I'm setting up Lennon's new room.

This time, I'm like going balls to the wall with my decor.

I'm like treating my house as if I'm on Animal Crossing.

Like I'm like yes to the wallpaper.

Yes to the paint.

Yes to the limewash.

Yes to the interesting furnishings.

Like I find that part pretty empowering.

This year, I feel like there's like a part of me that has been awakened.

That sounds like so like mystical.

It's been awakened.

No, but it's just it's scary.

But it's also really electrifying to feel alive, if that makes sense.

I feel like I'm meeting so many new people and reconnecting with my old friends and leaning on them.

And at first, I was kind of like skeptical.

Like why are people here for me?

But that, you know, I think I was bumping into my own like self-loathing side of me.

And I'm like really starting to understand the concept of to not question the good in your life.

Never ever question the good in your life.

Just accept it and be goddamn grateful.

Despite all the change going on, I still love life.

It's not polished.

There's no manicured conclusion.

It's always TBD and that's completely okay.

I hope that watching this made you feel a little less alone or I don't know, a little more at ease in case you were in that odd headspace thinking that everyone has it figured out.

No, that is a bold-faced lie.

No one knows what the f*** is happening.

No one knows what they're doing.

We're all equally clueless.

We don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, you know?

Is it even guaranteed?

I don't know.

So if anything, you just gotta live your life to the fullest as if it's the last freaking day.

And if this is my last day, then I am really happy that I was able to finally dump this out and share and hopefully connect.

You guys have definitely been a big anchor in my life too.

This is like the longest relationship.

If I think about it, this relationship with you guys is my longest relationship I've had.

And I am so incredibly grateful for each and every one of you, whether you have been supporting me since 2010 or if you just clicked on this video being like, what the f*** is going on, you know?

I really am.

And yeah, honestly, it feels really good to be back.

And I will see you guys in the next video.

Bye.