Since the bullet that was meant for Donald Trump missed him last Saturday, Republicans have been indulging in an orgy of magical thinking, saying things like,

Trump wears the armor of God.

Boxing star Jake Paul tweeted about the miracle at Butler Farm showgrounds.

When you try and kill God's angels and saviors of the world, it just makes them bigger.

Which sounds like something a guy who gets hit in the head for living would say.

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The internet quickly filled up with images of angels and Jesus protecting Trump, like this one from Congresswoman

Maria Salazar.

Steve Scalise said,

Yesterday, there were miracles, and I think the hand of God was there, too.

Steve was also shot, but God was having an off day.

And...

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And, uh, that bullet missed his ear and went into his spleen.

And, of course, it was inevitable that someone named Kevin would tweet this video of a flag from the rally that got twisted up in a wire and said, it looks like an angel.

Look, it's an angel, and it's wearing a flag.

Just like Sarah Palin used to do.

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My point is that Donald Trump, even if you like him, is powerful enough as a past president, a likely future president, and, to be perfectly frank, a cult leader.

America doesn't need a demigod.

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From the pharaohs to Julius Caesar to Hirohito, many cultures have tried it.

The earthly being who is simultaneously divine, or at least god-ish.

And it never turns out well.

And, look, I'm not anti-religion.

Oh, wait, I'm very anti-religion.

That's right.

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I'm the guy who made the movie Religiolus.

Come on.

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And the theme of that movie was, I'm sorry, but religion is stupid and dangerous.

And I don't say that in a mean way.

It's true.

No one thought that movie was mean-spirited.

Not even the religious people I interviewed.

Did you also share the name Miranda?

Maybe you're Carmen Miranda.

Maybe the second coming of her.

You should have fruit on your head.

Instead of fruit in your head.

All right, thank you.

Can I come over and give you a hug?

Yes.

I hug everybody, so can I give you a hug?

Thanks.

Thank you very much.

Hey, you didn't have a heart on there, did you?

No, sorry.

I can't do that.

Well, thank you for what he's Jesus, man.

Amen.

Thank you for being Christlike and not just Christian.

Thank you.

OK.

Hey, my wallet.

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How you doing, Bill?

God bless you.

Hi.

Seen you around.

Welcome to our world.

I've seen you around.

Yeah.

Woo!

God bless you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's the way we need to be with religion.

Not condescending.

But also, it's the 21st century.

Enough is enough with interpreting every random event as a DM from heaven.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There's a kind of person in this world who loves to see signs in everything, never asking why if God has something to communicate to us, he doesn't just fucking say it.

He's God, for God's sakes.

Why show up in a flapjack or a frying pan or a Walmart and don't get me started on the dog's ass.

I mean...

It does look like...

No, just say it.

What's with drop...

What's with dropping...

Okay with the dog's ass.

What's with dropping clues?

You know, he makes statues cry.

He makes clouds look like stuff.

He puts rainbows in the sky.

I mean, not anymore since the gays stole it.

The people who see angels in flags are the same people who saw a cross of steel beams in the rubble of the

World Trade Center because after he kills you, God likes to leave a calling card like a serial killer.

People see signs because they want to see them.

It's why stalkers think Taylor Swift is blinking marry me to them in Morse code.

But it gets dangerous when the signs make someone think God is on their side.

Republican Congressman Mike Collins said after the shooting, God spared Ronald Reagan for a reason.

God spared Donald Trump for a reason.

God doesn't miss.

Really?

Tell that to John Lennon, Lincoln, JFK, RFK, and Martin Luther King.

Look, the asshole who shot at Trump was cowardly, unpatriotic, selfish, vile, and weak, and he should rot in hell.

But thinking that God protects your heroes, but not mine, that isn't cool either.

Maga Nation, because they are religious by nature and given to magical thinking, have been trending towards demigod worship for a while now.

The shirts and flags and posters depicting Trump, the Redeemer, the crosses and religious imagery that were heavy in the past.

And now they're all over the place.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

And those religious imagery that were heavy in the crowd on January 6th.

But Trump didn't survive the attempt on his life because of divine intervention.

He survived because a virgin couldn't hit the fattest president since Taft.

And I'm...

And again, make no mistake, I'm glad he couldn't.

But Trump is alive because he's the single luckiest motherfucker who ever lived.

His whole life...

His whole life is a string of you gotta be fucking kidding me.

Just this week, the judge overseeing the case of him stealing classified documents threw the whole thing out.

Of course she did.

That's always the way it goes for Trump.

He inherited $413 million from his dad, lost it all, and used the write-off to never pay taxes again.

His only form of exercise is eating.

But he's somehow stronger than ever at 78.

Meanwhile, Richard Simmons, dead at 76.

And now he's running against an incumbent president who's a gentle breeze away from death.

And then there's the guy...

Then there's the guy who shot at Trump,

McLovin from the movie Superbad.

Look, I fervently hope that nobody ever shoots at Trump or any candidate, but if you have to have someone do it, it's kind of lucky to have it be the world's biggest loser.

And it all just makes religious-minded people see Trump as something preterhuman now, when in reality, he puts his pants on one leg at a time after sex with a porn star.

You want to vote for him? Fine.

But don't pray to him.

He's already all in on being godlike.

He said this week the doctor at the hospital called it a miracle.

I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm supposed to be dead.

Yeah, so is Dick Cheney, but karma isn't cooperating and karma isn't a thing.