You're here!

You made it. Thank you very much.

Well, guys, everyone's excited going into the weekend because you got the solar eclipse happening on Monday.

We're gearing up.

It's really exciting because we haven't had a total darkness outside since November through March.

So it's very exciting.

Yeah, everyone's pumped.

President Biden plans to watch it, and this is cute.

His eclipse glasses will have a little chain on them.

Oh.

Meanwhile, this weekend is a huge sports weekend with WrestleMania 40 and the Final Four.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right now, baseball is like, hello, is anyone there? Hello?

You guys see this?

UConn's men and women's teams are both in the Final Four.

That's a great deal.

So in case celebrations get crazy, they've removed light poles from campus, which quickly backfired because now fans are lighting stuff on fire just to see.

Some political news, a new poll shows that President Biden is now leading former President Trump in the crucial swing state of Pennsylvania.

Yeah.

Trump heard and was like, he is?

And Biden was like, I am?

Speaking of Trump, I read that he's holding a big fundraiser in Palm Beach that expected to raise $43 million for his campaign.

Yep, the event is being held in Palm Beach at a billionaire's house, so that rules out Mar-a-Lago.

Yep, for an $800,000 donation, you get to sit at Trump's table.

Yep, when they heard Eric and Don Jr. were like, suckers.

It only costs us 500 grand.

Guys, I heard that former New England Patriots coach

Bill Belichick is planning to write a book.

Yeah, a book by Bill Belichick.

Well, we thought...

Oh, man, here we go.

What's up, Tariq?

Let me guess.

You're just going to list a bunch of fake titles for Belichick's book that are based on actual, you know, famous books.

I mean, yeah, that was the plan.

I was going to read...

Yeah, and then, you know, for each book, you'll show like a fake cover, and then everyone will laugh about it.

Right, yeah, that's what we normally do during the monologue, yeah.

So I know exactly how this will go down.

So Bill Belichick's books will be something like

Eat, Pray, Gronk.

Yeah, that's right.

Or Deflate Gatsby.

Yeah, that's right.

Or, you know, you'll do like The Lion,

The Witch, and The Hoodie.

Yeah.

And then, you know, you'll end on something obvious, like The Lord of the Rings.

Is that how this is going to go?

Yeah, pretty much.

It's a funny bit, but you should do it on the show.

We'll do it tomorrow.

Thank you very much. We'll do it tomorrow.

Well, get this. I saw that New Jersey is suing New York City over its new congestion pricing.

Yeah, New Jersey versus New York will be the only case where instead of objection, the lawyers will shout,

Oh!

Oh, Your Honor!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Excuse me.

Well, speaking of New York, the weather this week has been crazy.

Did you see what happened yesterday?

A bolt of lightning struck the Statue of Liberty.

Yeah, a lot of people are speaking out about it, including the Statue of Liberty herself.

Yep, she said,

Don't worry, everybody. I'm okay.

And then this weird statue of soccer star

Cristiano Ronaldo said,

Oh, my God, that's so scary.

And then...

And then this statue of Lucille Ball spoke up and said,

I'm glad you're okay.

That could've burned bird.

Then this old plaque of Elvis Presley said,

Honk-a-honk-a-burning lyric.

Merlick honk-a-honk-a-burning myrtle.

And then this wax statue of Zac Efron showed up and said,

Thank you. Learning never starts first.

And finally, this wax statue of Leonardo DiCaprio said,

Spur for your surf.

I'm glad everyone's okay.

I'm glad everyone's okay. Spur for your surf.

And finally, a town in California was on edge after someone reported a mountain lion sighting on their Ring camera, but it turned out to be a hefty house cat.

That poor cat was watching the local news like,

This is mortifying.

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