Fresh as hell, right?

Addie, don't say hell.

You also said butthole in the car.

Shut up, Evan, you little Chinese narc.

Isn't that necklace heavy?

Life's heavy, son.

Please, Mom.

Can I get this?

How much?

Too much.

Mom thought everything was too much.

She never understood that you couldn't haggle at JCPenney.

It's like those are set prices, Mom.

Jessica, I figured it out.

Dad, how come we have to start school on a Wednesday?

That's a great question. Go to school.

Go, go, go, go.

I was blow-drying my hair and I figured it out, how the restaurant can attract bigger crowds.

What? How?

I need to hire a white host.

Instead of people coming in and seeing a Chinese face and saying, huh?

I thought this was an Old West steakhouse.

They see a white face and say, oh, hello, white friend.

I am comfortable.

See?

Exactly.

Now welcoming.

That's why no to your face and yes to the white face.

Nice, happy white face like Bill Pullman.

So, cool if I sit?

No.

Fine, but don't try to talk to me.

I don't like kids.

My best friend is a 40-year-old man.

Yo.

Yo, Chinese kid.

What's your name again?

Something Chinese.

My name's Eddie.

Eddie.

You into B.I.G.?

Yeah, man.

He's sick.

I bought Ready to Die the day it came out.

You bought it?

I stole it.

Yo, come sit with us.

Yeah?

Okay, man, cool.

A white dude and an Asian dude bonding over a black dude.

This cafeteria is ridiculous.

What's up? I'm Eddie.

Hey, dude.

Hey, what's up, man?

So my cousin told me about B.I.G.

when I went to visit her.

What is that?

Gross.

It's Chinese food.

My mom makes it.

Get it out of here.

Oh, my God.

Jing-Ming's eating worms.

Go.

Go home.

Get that out of here.

Go.

Dude, that smells nasty.

Eddie, why are you eating so much?

I'm hungry.

Didn't you eat your lunch today?

Yeah, but I'm still hungry.

Oh, okay.

I know how you like the shawarma.

I know how you like the xiaolongbao I pack you.

It was really good.

Liar.

I did not pack xiaolongbao!

Okay.

Fine.

I threw my lunch away.

I cannot believe you, Eddie.

Come on, Eddie, that's wasteful, man.

This is food I make you.

You love my food.

I need white people lunch.

That gets me a seat at the table.

And then you get to change the rules.

Represent.

Like Nas says.

I'm not trying to eat with a janitor for the rest of my life.

I got big plans.

First, get a seat at the table.

Second, meet Shaq.

Third, change the game.

Possibly with the help of Shaq.

Damn it, that was beautiful.

That filthy music you listened to turned you into a poet, boy.

Okay.

What is this white people lunch?

Whoa.

This is not how I like to shop.

This place look like a mess.

This place look like a hospital.

I miss the Taiwanese markets back in D.C.

They make me feel so calm.

Wow.

Everything fits perfectly inside a box.

Awesome.

You want to fit inside a box?

That's so American.

Why are you so American?

Fiesta tortilla chip, free sample.

This is free.

Okay.