What the hell?

Huh?

I am nothing, and everything!

Huh. That was pretty weird.

Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike.

He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football.

At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today.

That having a little brother is a pretty special thing.

Yeah.

Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors. I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world.

But if you could find it in your hearts, or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.

That was beautiful, dude.

Did it work?

Nope, they're leaving.

Hey, you scrawny-ass sh**!

What the f**k is wrong with you? You must be some kind of f**k!

To be able to ignore a crying child!

Whoa, dude! You know what you f**k like!

You like to f**k, sh**, and f**k, and f**k, and f**k!

But you know, I've learned something today.

I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.

Yeah, you know, I've learned something today.

Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.

Yeah.

And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends.

You're my family.

Except for Cartman.

You know, I think we all learned something today.

It's fine to have your own beliefs and your own traditions, but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways, only because of their race, you become separatist.

And being a separatist sucks a**.

You see, son? Fads come and go.

And this Chimpokomon is obviously nothing more than a fad.

You don't have to be a part of it.

In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers,

I'm not going to be a part of this fad because I'm an individual.

Do you understand?

Yes. Yes, I do, Dad.

Now let me tell you how it works in the real world.

In the real world, I can either get a Chimpokomon, or I can be the only kid with that one which singles me out and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my a**.

Ike, please.

I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not.

You have so much potential.

You don't even need a kid like Cartman to be able to trust you.

You have way more potential than me.

Ike, I'm a kid.

I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not.

You have so much life ahead of you.

You who don't believe in true love don't understand.

Ike, you need to have a life.

Have fun.

Then ruin it by having a serious relationship.

I've learned something today.

Sometimes people have trouble fitting in at school and...

and, um...

Let's see, what did I learn about...

What did I learn about that?

No, wait.

No, no, that was good. What were you gonna say?

Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today.

It would have been wrong for us to exploit Butter's weight loss because then lots of fat people would have believed it and then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly.

They'd still be fat and we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams.

Wait.

Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing.

Marklar, these Marklars went to change your Marklar.

They don't want this Marklar or any of his Marklars to live here because it's bad for their Marklar.

They use Marklar to try and force Marklars to believe they're Marklar.

If you let them stay here, they will build Marklars and Marklars.

They will take all your Marklars and replace them with Marklar.

These Marklars have no good Marklar to live on Marklar so they must come here to Marklar.

They will destroy Marklar.

They will destroy Marklar.

They will destroy Marklar.

They don't want Marklar to live on Marklar so they must come here to Marklar.

Please, let these Marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any Marklars.

Marklars are Marklars.

Young Marklar, your Marklars are wise and true.

Yeah, but you know, I think you've learned something today.

You've learned that you can't rewrite history.

You see, history is forever and everything happens for a reason.

Sure, you can try to change the past, but usually, you know...

Where are you going?

Excuse me?

My name is Brad and I need to report a crime, anonymously.

Oh? What's the crime?

Well, I attend South Park Elementary and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.

Oh my God! Did you hear what he said?

You did the right thing telling the police, Brad.

Now, who is the teacher? What's his name?

Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.

A woman?

Yeah, she's having sex with a boy.

Oh, but she's ugly, right?

Well, no, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stevenson.

The blonde?

Yeah.

Some young boy is having sex with Ms. Stevenson?

Yes.

Nice.

Nice.

What? No, you don't understand it.

Are you sure they've had sex?

Yeah.

Has she performed oral sex on him?

I think so.

Nice.

Nice.

Nice.

So wait, what's the crime?

The crime is she isn't doing it with me.

Hey, he's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him.

You're right. We're sorry. This is serious.

We need to track this student down and give him his luckiest boy in American medal right away.

Snooki wants Smurfs.

No! You guys, it's raping me! It's raping me!

Jesus Christ, what the hell do we do?

Oh God!

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

What?

Dude.

Get out of here, you piece of garbage!

You want to Smurfs go creeping somewhere else!

Snooki is a Smurfs, you see?

You're garbage! You know that? You're cabbage!

No, no, no! No, no, no! Sticky cabbage!

You got cabbage in your mouth!

Sticky cabbage! Sticky cabbage!

You got cabbage in your f***ing mouth!

Sticky cabbage!

Whee!

Kyle?

What the hell are you doing back here?

Listen, you don't have to do this!

Our imaginations aren't running wild anymore!

Why is it so easy for children to break into the Pentagon?

You have to stop!

If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet that leprechauns weren't real.

So why do you care what happens?

Because I...

Because I think they are real.

It's all real. Think about it.

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room?

I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have.

And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter.

They've changed my life.

Changed the way I act on the Earth.

Doesn't that make them kind of real?

They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here.

And they're all going to be around long after we're dead.

So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.

Boy, I'm sure glad that's over with.

Me too!

Yeah, but you know, I learned something today.

We thought we could make money on the Internet.

But while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue.

It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to an extent that necessitates content producers to forego their fair value in more traditional media.

Yeah.

But you know, I've learned something today.

You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself.

What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage.

But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Tits.

You see, we've learned something today.

Swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems.

We're all saying the S-word too much.

Kyle.

Look, Gerald, Kyle's on television.

Uh-huh.

The Knights of Standards and Practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum.

Curse words? They're called that because they are cursed.

We have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances.

And besides, too much use of a dirty word takes away from its impact.

We believe in free speech and all that, but making a few words taboo just adds to the fun of English.

So please, everyone, from now on, you've got to try and watch your language.

Yeah, that makes sense.

You guys, I think we should bail out of this right now.

Huh? I just know where this is heading.

It's going to end up with the whole town taking this too far and us having to talk about what we learned to change everyone's minds and I say we just stop it right now and go play cards or something.

No! What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves, even if it means getting grounded.

Why?

Because if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen.

They'll take us in and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople holding torches or something and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned and change everyone's minds.

This is all following a formula.

I learned something today.

You just hate... See? I knew it.

You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you and that's called fascism, you tubby asshole.

Listen, this is all you need to know.

The economy is not a supernatural, all-knowing entity.

The economy is just an idea made up by people thousands of years ago.

The economy is not real and yet it is real.

Nowadays they'll give credit cards to practically anyone who applies for them.

I applied for this yesterday to prove a point.

It is an American Express Platinum card.

It has no spending limit.

Do not be afraid.

This is only plastic.

It's just something made up by people.

Truly meaningless until we put our faith in it.

Faith is what makes an economy exist.

Without faith, it is only plastic cards and paper money.

Kyle?

Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you.

Kyle, do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan?

This morning, I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass.

I felt down there and found this big sore lump on my ass, Stan.

I couldn't even sit down, so

I had to tell my mother, which was humiliating.

She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, and he told me,

I have a hemorrhoid.

It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass.

I'm nine years old and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan.

I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.

Kyle, I understand what you mean, but...

Do you? Do you, Stan?

Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah, to believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us.

I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself.

I'm always saying, you know, I learned something today.

And what does this so-called God give me in return?

A hemorrhoid. It doesn't make sense.

What is your logic?

Ow.

Ow.