Certain alcohol I no longer mess with anymore, like I no longer mess with Jaeger.

See, first of all, any alcohol that will make you say its name is not safe.

And that's the only alcohol that will make you do that.

That's the only one you hear people, Jaeger!

You don't hear anyone else.

You don't hear Mexicans.

You don't hear black people.

Hennessy player.

You don't hear Japanese.

Jaeger is scary for a few reasons.

One, I'm type two diabetic.

I shouldn't even be drinking, but Jaeger has twice as much sugar in it.

Second thing is the consistency.

It's very sticky.

It's like cough syrup.

So if you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else.

And it's nasty.

When you drink it, you're like, it's horrible.

If you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else.

You know what I'm saying?

Like if you have one too many beers, you know what happens?

You get the, and then you return it to the rightful owner.

Jaeger makes you feel like you got to bring it back, but you can't.

All it does is make you dramatic for 45 minutes until it lets go.

You've seen someone like that.

Hey, you okay?

I'm fine.

They can't throw up.

All they're doing is six minute abs.

People look at you the next day.

Are you into fitness?

No, I'm a drunk.

Jaeger is scary.

Another alcohol I refuse to mess with anymore is wine.

Look at the people over there.

We're from Schaumburg.

For those of you that don't know, Schaumburg is the kind of the Beverly hills of the area.

So with wine is very simple.

I don't like the fact that wine is socially accepted.

And what I mean by that is that if you see someone with a bottle of wine, if you see a guy crossing the street with a bottle of wine, immediately he's judged, but in a positive way, because wine is always associated with something high class, something positive, something progressive, an anniversary, a celebration of promotion.

So you try to figure it out.

Hey, what do you think is going on over there?

Graduation promotion.

It's got to be good.

Hey, good for you, buddy.

Women see a man with a bottle of wine, holding a couple of glasses and immediately lucky bitch.

It's still alcohol.

It will still mess you up.

The main reason why I don't like wine is because you cannot accurately measure wine.

You can measure real enough times, what you can handle and what you can't handle because people who drink a lot love to brag about their drinking abilities.

They have their drinking number, right?

They have their drinking number.

You'll hear them.

Yeah. 11 shots of don't Julio.

Woo.

Yeah.

They had their drinking number.

Even women after four shots of Cuervo.

I am so good.

Four shots is my sweet spot.

What happens if you do five?

I'll wake up in an alley.

What happens if you do six?

That's how I met Tyrone.

See, with wine, you cannot accurately measure how much you're drinking unless you're basing it on the bottle.

And if you're basing it on the bottle, then that's a whole different issue.

With wine, the glasses are always different sizes.

Sometimes they're big glasses.

Sometimes they're small glasses.

And a lot of times you need to rely on someone to pour it for you.

Sometimes they know what they're doing.

Sometimes they don't.

Sometimes they fill it up too high, which is not the proper amount.

Sometimes they get it just right, which is a little bit less than half of the glass.

Sometimes you get that greedy bastard from Olive Garden.

You know what I'm talking about?

Where you get that little sample and then you have to hold it up in direct sunlight and do this.

Then you drink it.

You're like, that's pretty good.

I got a coupon for that.

Here you go.

And you never see wine drinkers drinking with real drinkers in dive bars.

You might see them at a social gathering like this one or some corporate function, but never at a little hole in the wall.

You'll never see.

Jaeger!

Tequila way!

And in the middle.

Mellow, I say.

Oh, this is a fantastic establishment.

I truly enjoy the decor here.

This is amazing.

This is fantastic.