Like my parents named me bok choy or ping pong.

Look people, I'm Asian American, my mom wanted me to be white.

I'm pretty sure she thought, "If she has a no accent and a bitty bitty white name, maybe no one will know."

That's why my name is Pauline, except when my mom says it, it comes out like a Pauline.

People, that's how white she wanted me to be, she gave me a name she couldn't even pronounce.

That's why I compare myself to a Toyota, right, looks like it's from Asia, actually made in America.

There's other ways I think I'm like your typical Asian car, I'm dependable, affordable, and unlike a Volkswagen, I can pass any test you give me without cheating.

I've also got a pair of faulty airbags that refuse to inflate.

Guys, this is kind of embarrassing, I recently had an accident.

She just turned two.

I didn't know this, apparently what happens in Vegas comes out your vagina.

I was told it stays there.

I had to bring it home.

I don't think it was my fault though that I had a kid out of wedlock, it's not my fault, right? When I went on Craigslist, I wasn't looking for a baby daddy, I was just looking for some free furniture.

He completely misunderstood when I told him I'm looking for one nightstand.

Ladies, let me tell you, have a baby when you are young because it is tough being an adult.

You know, you know.

It is tough, but I'm a good mom, I really am because I'm smart, I'm smart, like okay my daughter, she just turned two and it was her birthday, she said she wanted to go to Disneyland.

I'm like, I can't afford that, but I used my brain people, okay? I took her to Chuck E. Cheese and just told her it was Disneyland.

She's two, she doesn't know the difference, right? I mean, she started to get suspicious when she saw Chuck E. Cheese.

She's like mommy, "What happened to Mickey?"

I was like, "Honey, there's this thing called heroin."

Later she asked me, mom are you sure this is the happiest place on earth?

I was like, "Sweetie, this is a place where mommy can drink an entire pitcher of beer while you play unattended.

I guarantee you, this is the happiest place on earth."

I gotta tell you people, I love being Asian because when you're Asian, you're not just a race, you're an entire fetish category in porn.

Go home, look it up, Asian, it's right after anal, but before big dick.

This guy knows.

You know, speaking of porn, it always bothers me when people say that the ladies of porn are bad actresses.

Now, I don't think that's true because they make it look like they love, love, love the stuff that no woman in her right mind enjoys doing.

Right, like take deep throating a giant cock, she'll come up and she'll be all like, that was awesome.

Guys, if it were awesome, you'd see women taking giant cucumbers and corns on the cobs and shoving them down our throats.

Right, I come home from work and I'd say, "Mom, what are you doing?"

"I don't know. It just feels so good."

My mom's crazy.

She doesn't get along with my dad.

It's because, you know, she has that heavy accent.

She can't get figures of speech right.

Like growing up, she'd always say things like, "Oh your daddy, he driving me up the nuts."

Like, "No, no, no, no, no, mom. Look, he can make you nuts or drive you up a wall, but not both at the same time."

"I know how to speak English. Oh, you just talk and talk. You're just, you're just like your daddy."

"Every time I talk to him, he just beat off around my bush."

I had no idea that my dad was that gross.

I get my weirdness from my mom. I get it.

It's the reason why I like to wear granny panties.

Okay.

Right?

Because they're practical.

They're comfortable.

They have pockets.

You're acting like you've never seen panties with pockets.

Oh God, you guys, I'll educate you.

They've got pockets.

Can you see them?

They're right here.

They're great for when you need things like cab fare.

Or like, you know, you go to a mailbox.

You're like, man, I wish I had a stamp.

Anyone else hungry, Cheeto?

I get that some of you are like, those pockets don't meet my storage needs.

That's why I double up.

They make them with a zipper pouch.

Can you see?

That's where I keep my iPhone.

My boyfriend said this look wasn't sexy.

So we went out and bought a pair of thong underwear, which I have on.

It's in the pocket.

Don't freak out.

I put it on the other night.

I'm like, this thing is going into cracks.

I didn't even know I had.

What is this?

I mean, look at this thing.

To me, there's no material here.

It's like an eye patch, right?

He said this thing cost him $16.

Ladies, what are you doing?

Just go to Walmart.

It's in the eye care section.

It's about $2.

Just put it on right there.

The best part is at the end of the night, you can say arg.

Beware ye all who enter these parts.

Sorry.

All right, guys.

Have a great night.

Enjoy the rest of the show.