Like my parents named me bok choy or ping pong.

搞得好像我父母給我取名叫大白菜或乒乓球一樣。

Look people, I'm Asian American, my mom wanted me to be white.

大家看，我是亞裔美國人，我媽媽希望我是白人。

I'm pretty sure she thought, "If she has a no accent and a bitty bitty white name, maybe no one will know."

我敢肯定，她認為如果自己沒有口音，取一個小白名，也許沒人會知道。

That's why my name is Pauline, except when my mom says it, it comes out like a Pauline.

這就是為什麼我的名字叫波林，只不過我媽媽說的時候，讀起來像波林。

People, that's how white she wanted me to be, she gave me a name she couldn't even pronounce.

她就是想讓我這麼白，才給我起了個連她自己都不會念的名字。

That's why I compare myself to a Toyota, right, looks like it's from Asia, actually made in America.

這就是為什麼我把自己比作豐田汽車，對吧，看起來像亞洲製造，實際上是美國製造。

There's other ways I think I'm like your typical Asian car, I'm dependable, affordable, and unlike a Volkswagen, I can pass any test you give me without cheating.

我認為自己就像典型的亞洲汽車，可靠、經濟實惠，而且不像大眾汽車，我可以通過任何考試，不會作弊。

I've also got a pair of faulty airbags that refuse to inflate.

我還有一對安全氣囊出了故障，無法充氣。

Guys, this is kind of embarrassing, I recently had an accident.

各位，這有點尷尬，我最近出了點意外。

She just turned two.

她剛滿兩歲。

I didn't know this, apparently what happens in Vegas comes out your vagina.

我不知道，顯然在拉斯維加斯發生的事都會從你的陰道里傳出來。

I was told it stays there.

有人告訴我它會留在那裡。

I had to bring it home.

我必須把它帶回家。

I don't think it was my fault though that I had a kid out of wedlock, it's not my fault, right? When I went on Craigslist, I wasn't looking for a baby daddy, I was just looking for some free furniture.

我不認為我婚外生子是我的錯，這不是我的錯，對吧，當我上 Craigslist 的時候，我不是在找孩子的爸爸，我只是在找一些免費的傢俱。

He completely misunderstood when I told him I'm looking for one nightstand.

當我告訴他我在找一個床頭櫃時，他完全誤解了。

Ladies, let me tell you, have a baby when you are young because it is tough being an adult.

女士們，讓我告訴你們，年輕的時候生個孩子吧，因為成年後的日子很艱難。

You know, you know.

你知道的，你知道的。

It is tough, but I'm a good mom, I really am because I'm smart, I'm smart, like okay my daughter, she just turned two and it was her birthday, she said she wanted to go to Disneyland.

這很難，但我是個好媽媽，真的，因為我很聰明，我很聰明，就像我的女兒，她剛滿兩歲，那天是她的生日，她說她想去迪士尼，

I'm like, I can't afford that, but I used my brain people, okay? I took her to Chuck E. Cheese and just told her it was Disneyland.

我沒辦法負擔得起，但我有動腦各位，我帶她去 Chuck E. Cheese，並告訴她這是迪士尼樂園。

She's two, she doesn't know the difference, right? I mean, she started to get suspicious when she saw Chuck E. Cheese.

她才兩歲，不知道這兩者有什麼區別，對吧，我是說她一看到 Chuck E. Cheese 就開始懷疑了，

She's like mommy, "What happened to Mickey?"

她問：「媽媽，米奇怎麼了？」

I was like, "Honey, there's this thing called heroin."

我說：「親愛的，有一種東西叫海洛因。」

Later she asked me, mom are you sure this is the happiest place on earth?

後來她問我：「媽媽，你確定這是世界上最幸福的地方嗎？」

I was like, "Sweetie, this is a place where mommy can drink an entire pitcher of beer while you play unattended.

我說：「親愛的，在這裡媽媽可以喝下一整罐啤酒，而你卻在無人看管的情況下玩耍。

I guarantee you, this is the happiest place on earth."

我向你保證，這裡是世界上最幸福的地方。」

I gotta tell you people, I love being Asian because when you're Asian, you're not just a race, you're an entire fetish category in porn.

我得告訴你們，我喜歡當亞洲人，因為當你是亞洲人時，你不僅僅是一個種族，你還是色情片中的一個戀物類別。

Go home, look it up, Asian, it's right after anal, but before big dick.

回家查查，亞洲人，肛門之後，大雞雞之前。

This guy knows.

這傢伙知道

You know, speaking of porn, it always bothers me when people say that the ladies of porn are bad actresses.

你知道嗎，說到色情片，當人們說色情片裡的女演員演技差時，我總是很困擾。

Now, I don't think that's true because they make it look like they love, love, love the stuff that no woman in her right mind enjoys doing.

現在，我不認為那是真的，因為她們讓自己看起來很愛、很愛、很愛那些正常女人都不喜歡做的事情。

Right, like take deep throating a giant cock, she'll come up and she'll be all like, that was awesome.

對，就像深喉吮吸巨屌一樣。她上來後就會說，太爽了。

Guys, if it were awesome, you'd see women taking giant cucumbers and corns on the cobs and shoving them down our throats.

各位，如果真的很棒，你們就會看到女人拿著巨大的黃瓜和玉米棒子塞進我們的喉嚨。

Right, I come home from work and I'd say, "Mom, what are you doing?"

對了，我下班回家，我會說：「媽媽，你在做什麼？」

"I don't know. It just feels so good."

「我不知道。感覺真好。」

My mom's crazy.

我媽媽瘋了。

She doesn't get along with my dad.

她和我爸爸關係不好。

It's because, you know, she has that heavy accent.

因為，你知道，她的口音很重。

She can't get figures of speech right.

她不會正確使用比喻。

Like growing up, she'd always say things like, "Oh your daddy, he driving me up the nuts."

在我成長的過程中，她總是會說：「哦，你爸爸，他快把我逼瘋了」之類的話。

Like, "No, no, no, no, no, mom. Look, he can make you nuts or drive you up a wall, but not both at the same time."

就像：「不，不，不，不，不，媽媽。聽著，他可以讓你抓狂，也可以讓你抓狂，但不能同時讓你抓狂和抓狂。」

"I know how to speak English. Oh, you just talk and talk. You're just, you're just like your daddy."

我知道怎麼說英語。哦，你就知道說啊說。 你就像你爸爸一樣

"Every time I talk to him, he just beat off around my bush."

每次我跟他說話，他都圍著我的灌木叢打轉。

I had no idea that my dad was that gross.

我真沒想到我爸爸這麼噁心。

I get my weirdness from my mom. I get it.

我的怪癖來自我媽媽。我明白了。

It's the reason why I like to wear granny panties.

這就是我喜歡穿老奶奶內褲的原因。

Okay.

好的

Right?

對

Because they're practical.

因為它們很實用。

They're comfortable.

它們很舒適。

They have pockets.

它們有口袋。

You're acting like you've never seen panties with pockets.

你好像從來沒見過有口袋的內褲一樣。

Oh God, you guys, I'll educate you.

天啊，你們這些傢伙，我會教育你們的。

They've got pockets.

他們有口袋

Can you see them?

你能看到它們嗎？

They're right here.

他們就在這裡。

They're great for when you need things like cab fare.

當你需要出租車費之類的東西時，它們就能派上用場。

Or like, you know, you go to a mailbox.

或者像，你知道，你去一個郵箱。

You're like, man, I wish I had a stamp.

你會想，夥計，我真希望我有一枚郵票。

Anyone else hungry, Cheeto?

還有誰餓了嗎，奇多？

I get that some of you are like, those pockets don't meet my storage needs.

我知道有些人會說，這些口袋不能滿足我的存儲需求。

That's why I double up.

這就是為什麼我加倍努力。

They make them with a zipper pouch.

他們做的是帶拉鍊袋的。

Can you see?

你能看到嗎？

That's where I keep my iPhone.

我的 iPhone 就放在那裡。

My boyfriend said this look wasn't sexy.

我的男朋友說，這個造型不性感。

So we went out and bought a pair of thong underwear, which I have on.

於是我們出去買了一條丁字褲，我現在就穿著它。

It's in the pocket.

在口袋裡

Don't freak out.

別緊張

I put it on the other night.

那天晚上我把它戴上了。

I'm like, this thing is going into cracks.

我想，這東西要裂開了。

I didn't even know I had.

我甚至都不知道我有。

What is this?

這是什麼？

I mean, look at this thing.

我是說，看看這個東西。

To me, there's no material here.

對我來說，這裡沒有材料。

It's like an eye patch, right?

就像一個眼罩，對嗎？

He said this thing cost him $16.

他說這東西花了他 16 美元。

Ladies, what are you doing?

女士們，你們在幹什麼？

Just go to Walmart.

就去沃爾瑪吧。

It's in the eye care section.

在眼睛護理區。

It's about $2.

大約 2 美元。

Just put it on right there.

就戴在這裡。

The best part is at the end of the night, you can say arg.

最棒的是，夜幕降臨時，你可以說 "謝謝"。

Beware ye all who enter these parts.

進入這些地方的人要小心。

Sorry.

對不起。

All right, guys.

好了 夥計們

Have a great night.

祝您今晚愉快

Enjoy the rest of the show.

請欣賞接下來的表演。