Most Watched of 2022 ? Key & Peele - VoiceTube: Learn English through videos!

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Do you guys have roller skates?
I think we have a pair around.
Uh-huh. Let me ask you a question.
How fast do you think you have to be going on roller skates to get past a couple of armor guards and still be going fast enough to smash through a safe door?
One of those big bank safes?
No! I don't know.
Yeah. Yeah?
♪ I want you, but I don't need you ♪
It is so good to see you, Keith.
Yeah. We usually have to wait for a special occasion.
Well, actually, I have a little surprise.
I got engaged.
Oh!
Oh, son.
Oh, shit.
Woo-hoo!
Yes!
Wow!
Congratulations, little bro.
Engaged.
Kind of a big deal.
More for me, I guess. That's what that means.
Yes. Well, um, she got a name?
Stephanie.
Marriage is a wonderful journey.
50% on the divorce.
Sorry, bro. Them's just the facts.
I will, uh, I will keep that in mind.
Thank you.
You got a photo? Oh, yeah.
A.K.A. Does she exist?
There you go.
Mm! Ha-ha!
Oh, she's beautiful.
Let me get eyes on this.
Everybody else already, huh?
Great lighting.
Airbrushed?
Uh, no.
She kind of looks like that one model, uh, on The Price is Right.
Uh, yes.
Uh, that's her.
The Price is Right, Clive.
That's your show.
Shut up, Mom!
No, it's not.
Uh, yeah.
Stephanie.
Mm-hmm.
People always underbid on her showcases.
Not the best presenter.
Where's the wedding?
Oh, uh, in Hawaii.
Oh!
Oh!
Awesome!
Whoo-hoo!
Melaka-liki-maka!
She ever been married before?
Uh, no.
So she says.
Ex-boyfriend? She got one?
Of course.
Sloppy seconds, at least.
Right, Dad?
Keith, she sounds wonderful.
Thank you, Mom.
Shut up, Mom!
Silence from you!
Okay.
Get off from talking!
You know what, Clive?
I really don't appreciate the way that you're talking to Mom.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Yes!
Yes!
The prodigal son hath returned!
You know what?
You wanna go? Let's go!
Because I've been here for the last 15 years, taking care of Mom and Dad and trollopsing all over the world, and why?
So you can come back here and criticize me for how I treat them?
No.
I actually came here to ask you if you would do me the honor of being my best man.
I know that we have, uh, had our differences, but you're my older brother.
We'll pay for your room, and we're also gonna rent you a car.
Uh-uh.
And we'll pay to fly you out there.
First class.
Well, we can't afford first class.
Well, fuck you!
You're dead to me!
Clive!
Shut up, Mom!
I'm eating in my room!
Uh...
Well, that, uh, that went better than expected.
I think so.
Hey, all I know is it's good having another brother move into the neighborhood.
Hey, man, it's good to have you over.
And I think that you will dig this.
All right.
Hey.
Huh?
Nice guitar collection.
Oh, thanks, man.
Hey, you wanna hear something?
Yeah, sure.
All right, all right.
All right, let's get this to his...
Hold on, let's do his...
Well, I'm just a good old American boy
With a heart that's red, white, and true
Dreaming of the girl with the red hair and freckles
And her eyes like the skies of blue
Country music.
Yeah, I grew up in Texas, you know, so...
All right.
Keep her safe from the homies in the wrong side of town
Where they're smoking the reefer and acting like clowns
Keep that pretty white dress from getting dirty and brown
Because that's the American way
Woo-hoo!
Oh.
Pretty racist song.
Racist against who?
Black people.
Black people?
But I'm black.
Well, keeping the red-headed girl away from the homies on the wrong side of town.
Homies?
Come on, brother, there's all kinds of homies.
You know, white homies, Asian homies.
No, homies are black.
No, I think you're making them black, man.
I mean, I think that's your stuff.
You hear the twang, and then you assume that it's racist.
But that's just what country music is like.
Look, you're gonna like this one.
You'll like this one.
All right.
Some folks wear their hats way off to the side
With their pants down low and a gun tucked inside
Take their beer by the 40 and their chicken deep fried
I think we all know who we're talking about
The only dark I like is when I turn off the lights
The only hood I love is pointy and white
Can't trust you if I can't see your face at night
I think we all know who we're talking about
Wait, wait, hey.
Stop that.
That's racist.
What's what?
What is racist about it?
The only hood I love is pointy and white?
Yeah, man.
Let's talk about the Klan, man.
The Ku Klux Klan?
Are you outside of your mind?
That's traditional country music imagery, man.
Like a pickup truck or sleeping under the stars
Or your dog got killed or your wife left you.
Same thing.
I would have been fine with any of those things.
What is the difference between those things
And what is in the song?
They're not racial.
Hey, you know what?
Can I just say something, man?
I'm just gonna be frank.
You're getting a little, like, Al Sharpton, like,
Farrakhan on me right now, man.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
Dude, dude, dude, please.
Hey, give me...
You know what?
Can I do one more?
Let me just do one more, dog.
I absolutely promise you
That this song is not racist
And it's impossible for you to misinterpret it as such.
Okay, it seems like you're about to sing
The most racist song so far.
I'm not.
Hi-de-la-de-la-de-lee
Get me a rope and find me a tree
Okay, I'm out.
Hey, hey!
Over here trying to sing about a tire swing.
Can write off an entire genre of music.
The banjos are strumming
And the drums are a-banging
Let's get the boys together
And have ourselves a-hanging
Oh, damn.
Now I see it.
Now I see it.
You can say as much as you want.
But you can't say the name of the celebrity
Or any part of their name.
Got it?
Yeah, we got it.
No, you're still gonna lose.
You're going down.
Why don't you start the timer and be amazed?
And go.
Okay, this guy, E equals MC squared.
Albert Einstein.
Yes, that is correct.
Wait, easy.
Hello.
Okay, this is the Terminator.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got a moment to talk about...
Are you talking to me?
Robert De Niro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, so this person
Pretending to be straight, but he's really gay.
Me.
And he's...
Uh, he is, um...
Excuse me.
He's Livin' La Vida Loca.
Me.
It's not me.
No, okay.
He's a, um, Latin pop star.
I'm not a Latin pop star.
No, you're not.
It's not you.
He bangs, he bangs.
Oh, Ricky Martin.
That is correct.
I wrote that one, too.
Ding!
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Now, before we begin,
I'd like to once again introduce you to my anger translator, Luther.
Hi.
Now, this November,
I want each and every one of you to ask yourselves what has changed in the last four years.
Who killed Osama bin Laden?
What has my administration accomplished?
Did we accomplish killing America's biggest enemy?
Uh, check.
Did that.
Boom!
In 2011 alone, we created more jobs than George W. Bush did in all eight years of his office.
Except for Osama bin Laden, Hunter, because that job don't exist anymore because I went over there and I killed him in his face.
We helped make health care accessible to more Americans than ever before.
I'm sorry?
What'd you say?
Uh, your World Trade Center hurts?
Then why don't you take two dead bin Ladens and call me in the morning, bitch?
This election, make the decision that you think best serves the future of this country.
Or you can eat a dum-dum sandwich and just vote for the person who didn't kill Osama bin Laden.
Why would you do it?
Why would you do it?
I plan to run a clean campaign, one based on the issues and the accomplishments of my administration.
Mm-hmm.
But I'm gonna tell you right now, if the Republicans, if they had caught Osama bin Laden, they wouldn't even pay an election, man!
They'd just put a crown on his head and give him a castle and just call him the King of America and that'll be it!
I said that'll be it!
All right, all right, all right.
Just, you know, bring it down a notch there, Luther.
Okay, come on, Luther, man.
You're straight up out of control, brother.
Well, uh, it's not that bad.
Okay, don't beat yourself up.
It's okay.
Excuse me.
Can a n---- get a lozenge?
Now, Luther, you can't say that word.
Oh.
Actually, it says right here
I can say it whenever I want.
I guess I can say it, too.
Good night, my n----.
So I have finished the kitchen,
I have finished my bedroom,
I have finished the office, and I'm just wrapping up the living room.
Okay.
I'll get a pack of Lakin.
I love it, I love it.
Mind if I put on some music?
I do not, I do not.
All right.
I got this new dubstep.
Dubstep?
What is it?
I don't know what that is.
Oh, dude, you're gonna love it.
Cool.
Cool, man.
Oh, I like this.
Ready for the drop.
I'm sorry, the drop?
What is happening?
What?
What is this?
What is that?
Music?
I'm sorry, is that music?
Oh, yeah.
Dude, that's the dubstep, man.
That's my jam.
Well, it's a little loud and disorienting, and you know, you're being a little rough with my things.
Rough with your...
Dude, your stuff is fine.
Why am I sweating so much?
Because you're feeling it.
Is that a good thing?
Yes!
Come on, man, just give it another shot.
Okay, okay, I will.
♪
Whoa, dude, you're totally jacking my flow up.
Dude, your nose is bleeding, and so is mine.
Awesome.
It doesn't really seem like music to me.
Okay, wow.
Wally, getting a little bit old.
No, don't do that.
Come on.
Didn't realize that.
Okay, yeah, what would you rather listen to?
I can hook you up with some Hootie and the Blowfish if that's your...
That's funny.
Is that good?
Color Me Bad?
You know what?
Go ahead, I don't care.
I see what you're doing.
Go ahead and play it.
I don't care because I'm not that old.
I can get into it, okay?
Let's just get this stuff packed.
Play it!
Play it!
I think I got it!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Okay, but do I look in the camera?
No.
Oh, at you.
All right.
Like on television.
All right.
Oh!
Oh!
Now, knock it off, all the stupid-ass, grab-ass, and touchy-feely bullsh...
Goddamn.
I told you they was rotten.
I am, uh,
Parnivus Jackson, principal here at Chlortho.
Uh...
Vince Chlortho High.
Uh...
This, uh, station's just a formality.
Here's a bunch of stuff that we confiscated just this week.
This stuff?
You don't have to show them that.
Here's a wand with a silencer on it.
Why?
But I ask again, why?
One out of five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why a woman is pregnant with a demon baby.
One out of five!
Okay.
Ain't no denying it.
The babies are evil, but the mothers, they're good kids.
As we say at Chlortho's, there's never a portal that cannot be opened with ingenuity and respect.
Now...
How you gonna be using an invisible cloak when I can see you tagging the damn wall?
Dime bag of pixie dust?
That's a contraband.
Here's the thing.
The kids know that the only way to fly...
Wizard pepper!
Unbelievable.
Mm-hmm.
Get your ass out of my office,
I will turn you into a spider!
They're good kids.
Hogwarts and Chlortho's,
Chlortho's and Hogwarts.
They go hand in hand.
The best top two wizarding schools there are.
But, you know, out of these two schools, we each have a strength.
We do score a little bit lower on our standardized tests than Hogwarts, but there is a cultural bias.
We may not have a huge endowment like they get over at Hogwarts, and yes, some of the teachers have to buy their own new ties or bat wings.
One kid got transformed into a cat, they can't even afford a changing back.
This young man's name is Jamar.
Normally you're not allowed to touch the students like this when they're in human form.
But, uh, when they're cat, we just have at it.
Sports!
Everybody loves sports.
It's true.
The hallways are a bluster with the conversation of our Quidditch team.
Half the team is back here riding mops.
We got two little n****s on Swiffer.
Let's take it.
When all is said and done, the average Chlortho student said, this mother...
Sometimes the kids think it's cute to turn themselves into a rat.
Sneak into my office, play a little joke on me, who is that, Tyrone?
Is that, is that...
No, that's an actual rat.
Hey, man, how you doing there?
You guys got bow and arrows?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, oh, that's it.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah, that'll do it.
That's gonna do it.
Yep.
Where are the arrows at?
Yeah, you guys got M80s?
We don't carry fireworks.
Damn!
You have something else that's explosive that I could tape to the end of an arrow?
We have shotgun shells, but I feel I have to ask, are you planning to attach those to arrows and use them as a weapon?
What? No!
Are you crazy?
You think that would work, though?
What if I shot explosive arrows through a window to break them open?
Sir, I feel like I have to ask you what you're planning to use these for.
Oh, no, I'm not planning to do anything.
This is just Christmas shopping.
You got zip lines?
Nope.
But you got, like, hooks and anchors and cables?
We got some of those things, but I do not recommend manufacturing your own zip line.
Oh, I'm not doing that, no.
Let's say somebody was manufacturing their own zip line.
Do you think if they had busted some windows open on a building somehow, then fired the zip line off a bow and arrow, and it attached to the wall of said building that they could just ride the zip line into the building?
I have no idea.
Sir, whatever you're planning on doing please don't do it.
I'm not doing anything.
I'm just doing some Christmas shopping, trying to get it out of the way.
Bow and arrows from her nephew, the zip lines from her grandmother, et cetera, and whatnot.
You know what I'm saying there?
It's no big deal.
Speaking of other things, do you guys have just the top half of a knight in armor?
First of all, it's called a suit of armor.
Oh, yep, that's it.
That's right.
That's what I meant to say.
We have one, but it's sold as a complete set.
Yep, yep.
Yeah, but the person that's for it, they only need the top half.
They don't need the legs.
Mm-hmm.
Well, what if somebody was shooting at you?
What were the chances you think they'd try to shoot your legs?
I feel like I have to tell you that a suit of armor will not deflect bullets.
I'll take my chances.
With Christmas.
Which brings me to my next question.
Do you guys have roller skates?
I think we have a pair around.
Uh-huh.
Let me ask you a question.
How fast do you think you have to be going on roller skates to get past a couple of armor guards and still be going fast enough to smash through a safe door?
One of those big bank safes?
No!
I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Uh...
Hey, you guys got one of those, you know, one of those big bags with a dollar sign on the side of it?
Okay.
Yeah.
You're gonna shoot arrows with shotgun shells attached to them to a bank window to blow out the glass.
Then you're gonna shoot a zipline through that window, and you're gonna slide on into the hallway.
You're gonna be wearing roller skates so you can just skate on past the armed guards who will be shooting at you, and you're gonna hope that they both won't hit your legs, and if they are aiming at your torso, the suit of medieval armor will deflect the bullets.
Then you're gonna hope to gather enough speed to burst through the big bank vault at the end of the hallway where you're gonna collect the money in a cartoon money bag.
Well, no.
I'm just an uncle who's buying some sh...
for Christmas, and I think I'll take my business elsewhere.
Merry Christmas.
It's April.
electronic music plays