This is way better than the last show I just did.

They were all pieces of shit.

That's how it was.

Sometimes you don't get a good crowd.

Sometimes you get a good crowd.

They're not great, but it's good.

Like, this crowd feels great, but it's gonna get good soon.

I feel like I'm one bad joke away from this feeling like a public pool.

That's no one's first choice to swim, but it's a pool.

I'm gonna be the band-aid you swim away from.

This is gonna be a fun night.

Look at this room tonight.

Look how we're all together in this room getting a new COVID variant.

Don't you feel closer together knowing...

Because comedy brings people together.

That's why I think politicians should be forced to do stand-up.

If any politician did stand-up in history, they could have avoided controversy.

I voted for Joe Biden, but that shit didn't feel great.

Felt like I was giving Grandpa the keys to the Oldsmobile and telling him to drive to California.

That was the best of a bad situation.

I give credit where credit is due.

I'm probably the most pro-anti-Trump comic out there.

Shut the fuck up!

I'm not.

Yes, I wasn't.

You just tuned in.

For what?

What are you upset about?

It's not me.

No, and shut up.

Any black person that would try to laugh at his fucking jokes?

No.

Stop having fun, motherfuckers!

Go ahead, yeah.

Stop having fun.

Can we get her an ad or something?

Wow.

Are you serious?

Yeah, no.

That's what happens.

No.

You're white, trying to talk about...

My probation officer is here now.

I don't know who the fuck you're mad at, but it's not me.

No, a white person trying to make fun of black people.

See, now you're crying.

I was just trying to make you laugh.

No, don't do that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Now I'm going to make fun.

I was trying to be empathetic.

It wasn't funny.

It was not.

No.

I don't care.

You trying to laugh at that shit.

How dare I at a comedy clip?

She came here for a TED Talk.

Everybody knows you go to the basement for political opinion.

I don't even know what he's saying, but this shit sounds tense.

You're a bitch.

Why do you think I'm doing this for a living?

You think I was a football player?

I'm a bitch, goddammit.

There's nothing you can say to me.

I haven't said six inches from the mirror.

You're the first name going in my suicide note tonight.

Have a good night, Kamala Harris.

Now's the time I need you on my side.

No, that was the most racist joke ever.

No, I got like four more in the chamber.

No, Kamala Harris.

Wait, don't drop the scarf, man.

That was three dollars at Dollar Tree, man.

Madden, bitch.

Pick up the gun she left under the chair.

Are you serious?

I'm so horny for no reason right now.

Don't bully me, I'll come, bitch.

Okay, wait, hold on.

Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus.

Before I do my last joke.

Can I ask you a question?

What part was I being racist at?

I didn't even get to my Jim Crow jokes yet.

I got blackface over here in the trunk.

I was ready.

Why the fuck are you recording?

Put your goddamn phone down and sit.

Can I ask you a question?

Was I being racist?

It was what?

Was I being racist?

It was what?

Cupcake?

The dog, that's what she was upset about?

It took her 15 minutes to be that mad?

I feel like we're processing it at the same time.

I didn't know this motherfucker would be my attorney this whole show.

I feel like I've seen you in Los Santos Customs and Grand Theft Auto, dog.

It's like, listen, we'll get this paint job.

But first, I don't know what she's mad about.

It's not you.

Thank you.

Put your goddamn phone down.

You know I can still see you, right?

Just put it down.

Look at me.

Put your phone down.

Look at me.

Put it down.

You can raise it up in three minutes when I'm not paying attention.

But I'm still going to get through this last joke.

She wasn't going to like that last joke either.

I'll be honest.

I just don't like...

My dad is black and my mom is white.

And I came out a Dominican lesbian.

I don't like that.

I didn't even do any of my black and white material.

And she just looked at me and went, this motherfucker needs to pay reparations for his Joe Biden joke.

In conclusion, everybody tonight is going to get, if you look under your seat, you get a free five milligrams of Xanax.

Did I say anything racist, Brian?

Yeah, man.

Brian is my one Asian friend.

That's not racist.

It would be racist if I had no Asian friends.

What are you doing to stop Asian hate?

All right.