Do you have any?

You've never thought about killing yourself?

That's good.

I'm not shaming you, alright?

I'm a white woman in America.

Why would I?

Everything is literally perfect for me.

Welcome.

Sorry.

All you did was pee, that's the shit I'm doing.

Are you here with these fun people over here?

With your husband?

Beautiful couple.

A lot of missionaries?

Missionaries are great, dude.

I love missionaries.

We face each other so we can argue.

Doggy, that's when you know you're in trouble.

Whenever the situation is doggy.

Like, you take your dick out, face the wall!

Thank you for coming to Christian comedy night, by the way.

I appreciate it.

You look like you met when you were a youth pastor and waiting for her to turn 18.

How did you meet?

At college.

Both in college.

What college?

PYU.

PYU?

That doesn't sound real.

I feel like you just insulted me in second grade.

PYU?

Where is that?

Pennsylvania?

It's in Utah.

Damn.

So close.

What part of Utah?

That's where the P comes from.

Somebody's cracking themselves up back there.

Are you surprised that I heard that?

Why are you laughing at?

It's weird that you know that.

It's weird that nobody was talking to you and then you volunteered that information.

It's like when dudes are like, hey man, the age of consent in Alabama is 14.

How the fuck do you know that?

That's not the flex you think it is.

It's like, I know.

I signed it.

I violated it.

Now I'm in jail, dog.

I can't live nowhere near the school.

You've seen me on TV to catch a predator season 12.

That's right.

I was the one who showed up and continued to eat the pizza.

Wait, I want to know, how do you know about that?

First of all, I didn't even know there was a contract that said you have to sign it and say you're not going to fuck.

Why is that?

It's not a contract.

Okay.

I feel like we're all on an episode of Better Call Saul right now.

This is fantastic.

Your honor, my client has no bitches, if I'd like to turn it back to her.

It's not fucking without pen and paper, baby.

Tell me what it is.

Break it down.

I'm a Jets fan.

Every time I ask this man a question, I get 12 more questions.

I was like, how do you know about the legality of fucking on college campuses?

First of all, I'm from Mars, motherfucker.

Starts in September 1962.

A Tuesday.

I just told you to press Debra to credit, sir.

Okay, you're a Jets fan, so you know how to get fucked.

That's first off.

Don't say we, you did not.

You were not part of that decision-making process at all.

They were not up before drafting.

We got to figure out what this statutory rapist thinks before we draft him.

Make sure the paperwork is right.

Okay, wait, so they, I'm guessing they drafted somebody that broke the fuck contract.

You could have just done that.

They fucked the draft contract.

They broke it too.

Yes.

Now we're all going to hell.

What did the contract say?

You know?

I've been trying to get answers for 12 minutes.

As soon as we get to the root of it, he's like, what, you think I got fucking answers?

I'm sorry, why am I on trial?

What is the contract?

See, aren't you upset that you peed when you did?

This all could have been avoided.

What is the contract saying?

Is it a contract or is it more or less like an agreement?

It's an honor code.

An honor code.

And it says, you better not be coming anywhere else.