We got so much to talk about tonight.

Kamala and Trump prepare for tomorrow night's debate.

We hunt down the person who's sending you all those campaign e-mails.

And Dick Cheney is once again taking shots at his Republican friends.

So... let's get into our continuing coverage of Indecision 2024.

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So, we at The Daily Show have been on a little bit of a summer break the past couple of weeks.

And when we left off, Vice President Harris was riding a wave of momentum, with a successful convention and surging in the polls.

Since then... sure. Sure.

I don't know if that's a fair counting, but we'll take it.

Since then, I've been out of the loop, just sitting on a sandy beach, sipping on some Mai Tais, and I can... only assume Kamala remains on a smooth path to victory in November.

So, perhaps I'll take a comically large sip of this drink I brought back from the beach for some reason and... see what I missed.

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Former President Donald Trump leads Vice President Kamala Harris by a razor-thin margin, 48% to 47%, among likely voters.

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That was a good drink.

But that poll is not good.

Kamala is down a point? Seriously?

She's sane, never tried to overthrow the government, not 600 years old with a rap sheet.

I mean, what else does Kamala have to do?

Two interviews? I mean, come on.

Be reasonable, people.

But, okay, here we are, less than two months out from the election, and we've basically got a tied race.

The candidates are doing everything they can do to ramp up the excitement.

Kamala is speaking to voters in Pennsylvania, in spice stores, Trump is speaking to voters encased in bulletproof glass, and J.D. Vance is trying to counter accusations that he's weird by swimming in the pool with his shirt on.

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I'm starting to feel bad for this guy.

I mean, this time around, Trump may hang his VP out of mercy.

Although, if you ask me, this might be the most relatable thing

J.D. Vance has ever done.

Don't worry, J.D., I'm with you.

And so are millions of other men with pepperoni nipples.

Think about it. I see you. I see you. I see you.

Now, while J.D. Vance appeals to the self-conscious middle schooler vote,

Donald Trump has secured the endorsement of RFK Jr., Tulsi Gabbard, and Elon Musk, three people who will help Trump reach voters who are undecided about what shape the Earth is.

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris just got an endorsement of her own.

Former Republican Vice President Dick Cheney announced that he will not vote for GOP nominee Donald Trump, but instead will back the Democratic candidate

Kamala Harris.

Wow.

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Wow. Wow.

See, Kamala has something for everyone.

Whether you're a trans person of color or a white construction worker in the heartland or an unrepentant war criminal who needs the blood of Iraqi children to power the machine that keeps him alive and out of the flames of hell for one more day,

Kamala is your candidate.

And by the way, apologies to those of you who saw Dick Cheney's name trending on Twitter over the weekend and were like, oh, my God, this is it.

Yeah.

But...

sorry.

All of these endorsements and campaign stops and solo wet T-shirt contests will come to a head tomorrow night when Kamala and Donald face off in a debate that could decide this election.

And I don't need to tell you how high the stakes are, because we all remember how the last debate between Trump and Joe Biden went.

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Please keep out of it.

Stop him now!

Stop now!

Oh, my God!

You know, not as bad as I remembered.

Now, Kamala definitely has an advantage compared to Biden because of the whole not being riddled by age thing, but she's still preparing diligently.

Perhaps... too diligently.

Sources who are familiar with how Vice President Harris is preparing for the debate tell me she is diligently getting ready for this by going to a hotel in Pittsburgh, spending hours doing mock debates, including with an aide who is dressing like former President Donald Trump.

Whoa.

I-I'm sorry, you're...

you're having a guy dress like Donald Trump?

Is that something the campaign thinks she needs to prepare for?

Now, Madam Vice President, he might come out wearing a tie that's slightly longer than usual.

Don't freak out!

We trained for this.

Meanwhile, Trump is preparing for the debate a little differently.

All the reporting indicates that he's taking this easy, he's taking this casually.

He doesn't have debate prep, so to speak.

He has what they call policy time, just to refresh his memory about what he might say on stage.

Oh-ho-ho!

They're giving him policy time.

Such an important part of childhood development.

You can do it, Donald, two more minutes of policy time, and then you can watch three Paw Patrols.

But, you know what, it's good to know that Trump is getting into the nitty-gritty of policy, because you want a president who's up to speed on the nuances of the issues and isn't just pulling stuff out of his ass.

Kamala supports states being able to take minor children and perform sex change operation.

Can you imagine you're a parent, and your son leaves the house, and you say,

Jimmy, I love you so much, go have a good day in school, and your son comes back with a brutal operation?

Can you... can you even imagine this?

Mm... no.

No. No, I can't imagine this, because it's an insane thing you just made up.

Do you...

Do you really...

Do you really think a kid goes to school one day and comes back with a full sex change operation?

That's ridiculous.

Americans getting free health care? Not happening.

No. Look.

No.

Donald, Donald, Donald, do you think this is even remotely a possibility?

Apart from everything else.

One time in middle school, I told the nurse

I had a stomach ache, and she put a Band-Aid on my stomach.

I have a hard time believing they're doing full-scale operations.

Well, you know... you know what?

Everybody's thinking a lot about school safety, and it's refreshing to see a politician take a step beyond thoughts and prayers and actually do something to protect our children from the biggest threat they face at school.

Mass sex changes, apparently.

But some people would say that Donald Trump's biggest challenge at the debate tomorrow is that he can't open his mouth without rambling incoherently.

But if you ask Trump about this, he says, no, no, I ramble very coherently.

And I look forward to the debate with her.

You know, I do the weave.

You know what the weave is?

I'll talk about, like, nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together.

And it's like... and friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, it's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.

Oh!

Yes. The weave.

I thought your brain was broken, but now that you did those hand motion things,

I see it's a tactic.

I mean, all your English professor friends are impressed?

Which professor is that?

Is that Professor Hogan or Dr. Rock?

I mean, forget English professors.

Trump's friends are barely English speakers.

For more on the candidates' debate preparation, let's go live to Philadelphia with Grace Kulinshpit.

Grace.

Grace.

I'm curious, Grace, is-is Kamala Harris prepared to handle Donald Trump at tomorrow's debate?

It's gonna be tough.

Remember, Donald Trump grew up in Queens, so he's a street fighter.

Like... like Ken and Ryu.

Remember that? The fireball.

Hadouken!

That reminds me, my first sex dream was about Blanca from Street Fighter II.

We were on a Disney cruise ship for some reason.

One thing people don't know is they have jails on cruise ships because if you rob someone, they have to put you somewhere.

But the jails are too small to hold more than two people at a time, so you just have criminals roaming the halls of our cruise ships, just like our Democrat cities under Nancy Pelosi.

Back to you, Jordan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Grace, Grace, what-what...

what the hell are you even talking about?

Oh, my God, Jordan, I'm doing the weave.

See?

It's a master-level talking mechanism, and it's why you just lost this debate.

No, this... this is... this is not a debate.

I asked you for information, and you responded with incoherent rambling.

Oh, boy.

You sound just like my high school teachers.

But thanks to Donald Trump, we now know that we can rebrand our character flaws into something more flattering.

Like, I'm not bad with money.

I'm fiscally promiscuous.

Sexy, right?

I didn't wet the bed.

I'm a sheet durability analyst.

Sexy, right?

And I definitely did not fall into a pothole this morning because I was watching TikToks about Japanese toilets.

I'm the key plaintiff in a class-action lawsuit.

Cha-ching!

Okay, look, look, I get that rebranding your flaws makes them sound fancier, but everyone still knows you're a fiscally irresponsible bedwetter.

But America has been rebranding since the beginning.

Christopher Columbus thought he landed in India, but when he found out he wasn't, he rebranded it to America.

And tomorrow, Kamala Harris will need to rebrand the Biden administration.

She'll need to convince us Democrats that we won't wet the bed anymore, but we'll fill the potholes of America.

The America we dream about while we're having sex with Blanca on that cruise ship.

And that's how she'll win the debate.

Wait, wait, Grace, did-did you just weave everything back into the topic?

Sexy, right?

Grace Gulichman, everyone.