Well, I told you that.

But there's got to be some other reason I'm still spotting.

Sure.

You were pregnant.

Based on your hormone levels, you've had a miscarriage.

I haven't even been on a date.

Right.

Since it's physically impossible to have sex without someone buying you dinner.

I haven't had sex.

Since I split up with my husband.

That was almost a year ago.

Fine.

Have it your way.

Immaculate conception.

Um, what do I do?

Well, it's obvious.

Start a religion.

Patechial bruising?

I don't know if I pronounced that right.

Gosh, the internet is such a wonderful tool.

It could be leukemia.

Definitely possible.

The more likely diagnosis is hickey.

Well, it can't be a hickey.

Why is everybody so ashamed of sex all of a sudden?

I'm not having sex.

I've barely even thought about sex since my marriage.

Ow!

I say you're having sex, you say you're not.

Either you're lying or I'm wrong.

Or there's some middle ground.

You mean like oral?

I mean you're having sex without knowing it.

I'm testing you for booze, drugs, and GHB.

I don't drink.

Or what's GHB?

The date rape drug.

You have restored my faith in the human race.

You're lying.

No, I'm not lying.

Just got your results back.

No GHB, no nothing.

Means you're having sex and you're lying about it.

No.

And I have a new symptom.

I have a rash on my butt.

Do you want to...

Yeah.

What is it?

It's a carpet burn.

No, it can't be.

Doctor, I love sex.

I miss it.

I haven't had any in over a year.

Well, you managed to keep this appointment, so you have no short-term memory problem.

Multiple personalities?

You find yourself losing chunks of time?

Do you wake up and you don't remember falling asleep?

No, I just wake up really exhausted.

Something upsetting you?

No.

My ex lives in the apartment downstairs.

He's always calling me.

Always wanting to get back together.

Complaining about mixed signals.

Get out of my life.

How much clearer can you get?

We have a sleep lab in the basement.

Nothing else will get you away from your ex for a night.

These were your brainwaves at 2.45 a.m.

Here it comes.

There's an abrupt jump from slow-wave sleep.

This indicates partial sleep arousal.

Most common type is somnambulism.

Sleepwalking.

That would explain why I'm so tired when I wake up.

Yes.

And also why you were pregnant.

And the hickeys.

And the carpet burn.

I had sex in my sleep?

Sexsomnia is a documented disorder.

You said your ex lives downstairs.

I'll kill him.

Okay.

But he probably didn't know that you were asleep.

Sexsomniax can act pretty normal.

I'm going to write you a prescription for a low-dose antidepressant.

It'll let you sleep better.

If you want to save yourself the $15 copay, you can have sex while you're awake.

He's my ex. I don't...

You live in the same building.

You haven't had sex with anyone else for a year.

You sleepwalk right into his arms.

Call me crazy, but I'm sensing unresolved issues.

Sore throat?

Well, it's not lupus.

Well, not everyone can operate a zipper.

You know, the up, the down.

What comes next?

My new girlfriend.

Never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised.

So she freaked, and...

Aha.

And you wanted Rivka to feel all gemuttlicht.

I get it. It's a shabda.

Oh!

I got some box cutters.

And, um, just like Abraham did it,

I sterilized them.

Which, uh, I always told you...

Stop talking.

I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon to get the Twinkie back in the rubber.

I want to get that Pope Rivera.

Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful, the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited.

Yeah, but it would calm me down, right, if I get a high enough dose.

Um, as in...

peaceful, late, kind of cool summer evening?

Or in the lesser-used meaning of nothing can ever bother you again because life has absolutely no meaning.

High dose of Depo-Provera will chemically castrate you.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm gonna get up to leave now.

I'm gonna walk to that door, turn the handle, and then you're suddenly gonna decide that you have to tell me the truth.

I'm gonna come all the way back.

See, the thing is, my leg hurts.

Can we cut the walking out of the equation?

I love cows.

Any particular variety?

Guernseys? Holsteins?

Which are the black and white ones?

Oh, God.

I pass a farm on my way to school, and they're so beautiful.

They're so majestic, I dream about them.

Leather shoes, hamburgers.

How can anybody do that to a cow?

Make love, not balance.

It's beautiful.

I haven't actually...

Relax.

This is something we doctors deal with all the time.

I'm gonna write you the name of a drug.

You don't need a prescription.

Looks just like Depo-Provera.

But does it do the same thing?

Oh, God, no.

That stuff has all sorts of nasty side effects.

It's real medicine.

Now, this is all you need.

Your frat buddies will be completely fooled.

I'm gonna tell them how appalled the doctor was.

Lots of laughs.

I think I broke my ankle.

I was kicked by a hoof.

I'm so in love.

She was so beautiful.

Which one?

One of the black and white ones.

I'm not sure what type.

Which type?

Which one?

I want a name.

Why would it have a name?

Not it.

She.

Or he.

I want to know her dreams, her hopes.

It's a cow.

Hey, I'm not the one who said he was in love.

People who actually have this condition rationalize it.

They dismiss it.

They don't elevate it to the level of poetry.

Plus, there's a wooden splinter in there.

So either you hit yourself with a two-by-four or Elsie has a pig leg.

I'm on duty at six.

Give yourself another whack, come back and scam somebody else.

I'm sick.

And you're a doctor.

You have a duty to help me.

Technically, I don't have to treat anybody before running a series of painful and often humiliating tests.

Whatever you need.

Got your labs.

Do you eat guinea pigs?

No.

How about hamsters or mice?

Humans?

What are you talking about?

Is something wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing.

Your blood work is perfect.

You've got lots of vitamins, minerals, all kinds of proteins, including a little something I like to call bovine serum albumin, which you get from eating the animals mentioned.

Or cow.

You don't really worship cows.

So I have to wonder, what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?

Nice.

It's my mom.

Either that's a very old photograph or it's your stepmom.

She goes around the house in a bikini.

Or less.

I can't stop thinking about her.

My dad's in Europe.

I'll be watching TV.

She'll give me a massage.

I can't walk for an hour.

Still.

Cows?

She's my mother!

Step.

Please?

I just need the medicine for three months until I graduate and I move out of the house.

Please?

You're not gonna have any fun at graduation.

Did you hike to the fence?

And how far?

Yes.

It's about a half a mile from my farmhouse.

And where is the pain localized?

It started just above my ankle and it's radiating up.

So, what should we do first?

Family history?

Indicative of leg pain.

That's a very short list.

Any history of bone cancer, osteogenesis imperfecta, or multiple myeloma?

Could be a blood issue.

We should run a CBC and a D-dimer.

And get an MRI.

MRI or a PET scan?

If the problem's vascular, he's better off.

Sorry.

Thanks for playing.

Patient's dead.

You killed him.

We had no time to run any tests.

There was nothing we could do.

You had time to look at the leg.

I thought we were starting with the farmer's case first.

We are.

But if we're going to look at a leg,

I need you to take off your pants.

Puncture.

Snake bite.

That would be my guess.

Farmer didn't know he'd been bitten by a snake.

That's what he said.

Sudden shooting pain.

Tall grass.

Never saw a thing.

What kind of snake?

You want me to tell you what kind of snake it was from the shape of the hole in the leg?

How are we supposed to know what kind of antivenom to use if we don't know what kind of snake it is?

Oh, there are people to find those things out.

I'm sorry.

There are people to find those things out.

Hi.

I'm having vaginal pain.

Pleasure to meet you.

My OB-GYN died recently.

He's a nice man.

Warm hands.

Not anymore.

So, does it hurt when you tinkle?

Yeah, it's when it's worse.

You have some vaginal tearing.

No sign of bruising.

No indication of trauma, forced entry.

Ramona, you naughty girl.

Either you got yourself an 18-year-old boyfriend or an 80-year-old with some little blue pills.

Myron thought he'd just try them out.

Lucky you.

I guess.

You'd prefer it if Myron was a little droopier?

Maybe a little.

To hold hands or read together.

Or watch Jeopardy.

I haven't seen Jeopardy in almost a month.