Oh, yeah, no ticket.

The classic, putting the coffee cup on top of the car.

You always forget it for some reason, isn't that strange?

Every time you put something, I don't know if it's just me, but I assume it's not only just me because I always see it in movies.

Every time you put something on top of your car, you like 90% of the time you forget it.

There was one time where I put camera gear, like tons of camera gear and like a drone on top of my car and I started driving and then there was this lady coming at me honking at me and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing?

Why are you honking at me?

She rolls her window down.

She's like, hey, you left stuff on top of your car.

And I was like, oh my God.

But yeah, if I didn't roll my window down to hear what that lady had to say, I'll be a very sad boy.

Very sad.

Oh shit, my coffee.

This right here is my all time favorite spot in LA.

Oh my God.

No, you're good.

You're good.

That was fucking awkward.

I don't like for people to see me vlogging in public and I was right in her way.

Oh my God.

Why is life so hard?

It's like, um, it's like four o'clock and I'm just barely getting my day started.

And every time I try to make a video, it's just like things go wrong and my energy's down.

Something that I didn't show is I forgot my fucking tripod.

So after getting food, I had to drive back home 20 minutes just to get the tripod and then drive here another 20 minutes.

And it's like, that's another 40 minutes just down the drain.

Sitting in traffic just is exhausting.

And now my mood is just, I sound like a bitch though.

And also there's so many like strangers picnicking around me right now and I just really don't like to vlog in front of people.

It's just so corny to me.

That's why I'm talking quiet too.

I'm so introverted.

I only go to Starbucks if it's like extremely necessary.

I only went because it was in the Target, but I always prefer like some local coffee shop that's not a franchise that only has one location and is almost going bankrupt.

Those, of course, those is where you get the best tasting coffee.

Yeah, that just happened.

I swear this day started off pretty good.

It started off pretty good.

And then now it's like I just spilled coffee on my pants and socks and shoes.

You know, it's moments like these where I remember that I live in America and I'm complaining about nothing.

I'm literally on a picnic at a park and I'm getting pissed off because I spilled coffee.

It's fine.

Everything's fine.

Okay, I have a right to be pissed off, though.

On top of that, another thing that's happening, this is a little nasty, so brace yourselves, but my dick, this whole day, just today, has been vibrating.

Oh, what does that mean, you ask?

I don't know.

You're asking the wrong person.

I don't know.

I'm trying to figure that out.

Ever since I woke up today, it's been vibrating and it's the most uncomfortable thing, slightly painful, and I don't know what it came from.

I don't know why it's happening.

I'm on a picnic and I can't relax because my dick won't stop vibrating.

If you live in LA, please try an egg-tug burrito.

I'm not even lying.

I eat this almost every morning.

It's the perfect breakfast.

But yeah, anyways, let me call out the elephant in the room.

I've been gone.

You know, I started this new journal series and I uploaded three videos and then after that, nothing.

And I don't really even know the reason why.

It's like I can't keep my motivation for making videos on YouTube.

I had fun making those three videos, don't get me wrong.

I want to be able to keep making videos.

I really like this connection that I have and I really love speaking my mind, but for some reason I just, I always stop.

I tried making a few videos.

There was about like three more that I filmed that I just never posted just because I didn't think they were good enough.

But then again, these journal videos, that's the whole point is that they're not supposed to be good enough.

That's why they're called journals.

They're supposed to be just chicken scratch.

And yet I still am a perfectionist about it.

Bro, there's too many people here, man.

I can't do it.

Too many co-picnickers and everybody has a friend.

I give up.

I'm just going to go around and film some pretty b-roll.

Oh my fucking God, I just woke up and I missed my call.

I had a call at nine with my producer, my producer and co-director.

Yo, um, yeah, I know my bad, dude.

Um, all right, cool.

I just got back and I'm not in the car.

Oh wow.

What we're actually sharing.

The sound person has their job.

Max has the job.

I have my job.

No problem.

Hey, everyone!

A fascinated place pickleball.

Pickleball, pickleball.

Oh my god.

You're crazy.

Be careful with the camera.

Oh god!

I didn't know it was in the water.

All right.

I drove an hour out to the Malibu mountains because...

Why?

Because I don't like people.

You know, I was trying to make a video yesterday, but, you know, there were too many other picnickers around.

Sounds like a slur.

And I don't like for people to see me when I'm talking to myself.

I'd rather be alone.

Oh yeah, and by the way, an update on my dick.

It stopped vibrating, so we're all good.

But yeah, let's see.

What did I want to talk about?

I wanted to talk about a lot of things when I was picnicking, but I didn't get the chance to really talk much.

I just fell asleep.

Fell asleep on the grass.

Oh damn, this is...

God damn, this is fucking...

Crazy!

But yeah, I guess the main thing that I was talking about is that, you know, I've been gone.

I said I was going to be doing these journal videos like twice a week, and I just stopped.

But something that I'm now working on, which I'm really stressed about at the moment, is a short film that I'm shooting in Amsterdam.

So I pitched this film to a company.

I don't know if I can say the company yet.

About a month ago.

They loved the idea. They greenlit it.

They gave us a budget.

And this is the first project that I'm working on that's going up on my YouTube channel that I don't own the rights to.

But it's exciting because it's the first legit film project that I'm working on.

It's called A Trip to Amsterdam.

I actually fly out in five days.

I have a producer and a co-director.

We have a DP, associate producer.

Everything's pretty much like locked and loaded, ready to go.

But yeah, I've been working on it like 16 hours a day for the past two weeks.

And it's been so stressful.

But it's worth it because this is what I want to do.

This is what I want.

This is what I want for my life.

I want to be a master storyteller in the art form that is film, that is cinema.

A little bit of me is like, damn, did I bite off a little bit more than I can chew?

Okay, so the day that I went on the picnic that was in this video, that same night, I had one of the strongest panic attacks

I've ever had in my life.

I was driving home and I was teary-eyed.

I was shaky, anxious.

And I noticed that

I was kind of wishing that I would get in a car crash on the way home.

And I was kind of wishing that I would die.

Dark, right? Yeah, I know.

But I was hoping that some type of natural disaster would happen.

That way I wouldn't have to make this film because holy fuck, it's just so many moving pieces.

I get anxious. Am I going to be able to pull this off?

And then if I'm not able to pull this off, what's going to happen?

What are the consequences going to be?

And it was so hard to fall asleep.

I remember I was laying in bed and all the thoughts that were circling my mind were so loud.

Loud to the point where I felt like I wanted to cover my ears.

I was surprised I actually fell asleep that night.

But yeah, I don't know.

I'm just realizing making movies is tough.

And this is a short film.

This is going to be about an 18-minute film.

I'm thinking, whoa, how are my panic attacks going to be when I'm making feature-length films?

I mean, I'm not discouraged.

Again, this is what I want.

Get all corny.

I want this!

No, but I feel a lot better now.

I feel a lot better. We got a lot more done.

I'm feeling optimistic about the shoot again.

The only thing that's stressing me out is I just feel like we don't have enough money.

I wish that we had an extra $5,000 just to solidify everything.

And by the way, the film is probably going to come out late October, hopefully, if post-production goes smoothly.

Anyways, oh yeah, so with the YouTube videos,

I don't want to stop making these journal videos. I want to kind of document the transition from YouTube to filmmaker. I want to keep this alive. I think it's healthy for me to express my thoughts and share my life.

I do think it's healthy.

I do think it's healthy. It's healthy because, again, that's why I'm calling them journals.

There's a reason why people journal.

And I really don't like writing on a paper.

I think this is a more natural way for me.

It's more for me than it is for you. I'm sorry.

It is. Yeah, no, this is for my own mental health.

I think it's...

whatever. You get the point.

Why do I have to keep explaining myself? Anyways, the reason I bring up the film is just to let people know what I'm working on and also maybe it can be an excuse to why

I haven't been making YouTube videos.

I've been too busy.

I apologize to people who like my work and they want to see what I'm doing and I'm just not posting anything. But I'm really going through it.

I'm going through that early 20s existential crisis.

I also love it when people say,

Oh, Steezy just made three videos just so he could pay his rent and now he's gone.

He made enough money and now he's back to just being lazy. And to those people,

I want to show you a little something.

This is my business bank account.

I live 1000.

And it's been like this for the past two months. Oh man, these past two months have been rough.

And just in case anybody says like, Oh, well show your personal.

Here's my personal.

So I have $39.

But yeah.

Surprise!

I'm broke.

No, but I've never...

I say this all the time, but I've never made crazy money with YouTube. I've always had a really shitty CPM. My CPM has always been $1. It went up recently to like $4 or $5. But that's still terrible. I see people getting like $20 CPMs.

And I'm over here with $5. Now I've had times where I've made great money with YouTube. Last year

I made like $200, $300k that year. The year before that I think I made like another $200k. Now the reason why none of that is in savings is because

I had a team at that point. I had like four or five employees. So every month I'll be getting all of this money and then paying it to everybody. Getting all of this money, paying it to everybody. It was always in and out, in and out. I've had times where I was comfortable, for sure.

Now I'm fine.

I know how to be broke. I mean

I've been broke before. Like back in my high school days. Even early YouTube days. Like this ain't nothing new to me. Don't worry about it. Hey, trust me.

I ain't no stranger. Sometimes you have money sometimes you don't. And I don't want to be selling my morals. I mean

I don't want to be changing up my morals just to make money.

Like I could be grinding out

YouTube videos and brand deals and stuff but do I really want to be doing that as a person?

No. I don't think that's worth it to be making good money. I would rather like sit back, listen to my mind listen to my wants and what my mind is telling me is that it wants to make art in the form of film. I know I'll be making money with that eventually but it doesn't have to be right now.

It doesn't have to be right now. Am I sounding crazy right now?