Couple years ago, I finally quit driving.

Oh my God, I am so much happier now, for real.

For real.

No, I am.

I'm not a fan of any form of transportation where I can become a murderer by accident.

If I kill you, I want you to know the reason why.

I don't want it to be because I have ADD and poor eyesight, and I got distracted by a cool billboard.

I'm driving along, whoa, the McWhat is back.

Another mother loses her son.

It was gonna happen eventually.

Not on my watch.

So now I take the bus.

That is how I get around LA.

I took the bus to this very show tonight.

Sure, I'm not a hero, I'm a coward, but sure.

I love taking the bus.

I genuinely love it.

But people have weird ideas about public transportation in America.

A lot of people in this country wouldn't even consider taking public transportation if they had the means to do otherwise, right?

Like I'll show up to a restaurant and my friends will be like,

Adam, you took the bus here?

Are you okay?

I've never taken the bus before.

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever met anyone who's ever taken the bus before.

Why?

I thought those were ghost buses.

Ferrying spectral passengers across the River Styx.

And I have to be like, no, it's full of normal people like you and me.

You could give it a try sometime.

Costs a buck 75, takes you where you need to go.

Then they say something really weird.

They say, well, Adam, aren't you worried that it's a little bit dangerous to ride the bus?

And I can't believe I have to explain this to people, but no, I'm not.

Because every single year, tens of thousands of people are brutally killed behind the wheels of their own cars.

Nobody is dying on the bus.

It never fucking happens.

The buses are a hundred feet long.

They're bright orange.

Even drunks can see them.

You want to see what a bad bus crash looks like?

It looks like this.

Whoa.

Open the door, I'm getting off here.

That's all that happens.

Now, I understand not everybody feels completely secure on public transportation.

And that's really real.

You know, my female friends will tell me that they're a little bit worried they could be sexually harassed and or masturbated at on the bus.

And to that, I say, yes, you will be.

It's going to happen every week to a fortnight.

But that's why I think it's so important for the rest of us to ride the bus more frequently so that we can improve the masturbator to non-masturbator ratio.

Because think about it, think about it.

If there's more of us than there are of them, then we can be a human shield.

Like when I see a guy whip it out, I body block him.

I look right at it.

No, no, no, ma'am.

You go back to your novel.

I'll watch this dick for you.

Let's go, sir.

Your stop's coming up.

You don't have all day.

Tell you what, let me help you out.

Thank you.

Glad you enjoyed that.

I mean, guys, I know it's hard to comprehend, you know, living in the middle of a car culture like we have here in LA or in most parts of this country.

But I want you to think for a second about how fucking crazy driving is as a system of transportation.

It makes no sense at all.

And we've only been doing it for a couple generations.

I have to believe that a couple generations from now, we're gonna have something better, right?

People will have self-driving cars.

God willing, we'll have better public transportation.

I think our grandkids are gonna be baffled that this is how we got around.

They're gonna be like, hold on a second, Granddad.

You're trying to tell me that in your day, every single person drove a two-ton metal vehicle at speeds up to 90 miles an hour, and we'll be like, oh, yes, yes, we all did it, yes.

Teenagers did it.

Alcoholics did it.

Dads with undiagnosed rage issues did it.

Yeah, we all did it all day long.

How did you know that people could do this safely?

Did they train you to do it like a pilot?

Oh, no.

They just gave you one 20-minute long test when you were barely past puberty, and then they just never checked again.

Yeah.

Yeah, we just kind of assumed you were good until something went wrong.

Oh, my God, I mean, that sounds really dangerous.

Oh, yeah, a lot of people died.

Yeah, we used to kill each other every day that way.

Oh, you'd be driving along, and then you'd see a car just like yours smashed to pieces on the side of the highway, blood running through the streets, brain matter on the pavement, and you'd say, well, that's crazy, and then you'd just keep on driving.

That was the price we were all willing to pay for going to Starbucks.

Oh, my God, well, there must have been some redeeming quality that made you build your entire society around these machines.

Was it a particularly cheap way to get around?

Oh, no, it was hideously expensive, too.

Yes, it cost tens of thousands of dollars to purchase the vehicle, and then you had to spend hundreds a month to fuel it, repair it, and purchase insurance for it.

Oh, you'll find this funny.

In my day, most people couldn't afford health insurance for their own bodies, but the government would force you to buy insurance for your Toyota Corolla.

It...

It...

It was a very stupid time we all lived in.

Oh, my God, Granddad, well, if it was so expensive and so deadly, at the very least, you gotta be able to tell me that it was a quick and convenient way to get around.

Oh.

Quite the fucking opposite, actually.

Yes, we'd each spend upwards of three hours a day trapped in our tiny metal boxes, staring at the motionless rear of the box in front of us, listening to shitty true crime podcasts, and cursing our imprisonment.

Well, then, Granddad, why on earth did you love these machines so much?

Well, they represented freedom to us.

And, you know, sometimes there'd be a guy jerking off on the bus, so he didn't wanna take that.

All right, that was a long joke.

You guys don't have ADD.

Good job.

Thank you.

Good job.