Welcome to the Dueling Club, everyone.

Harry.

Speaking of magic.

In light of your inevitable doom as Hogwarts students, we'll be using this time to teach you all how to die gracefully.

Who would like to go first?

Ah, yes, Miss Weasley.

Come on up, but try not to say anything stupid.

A Weasley's mouth has a chamber of secrets.

Best left closed.

Amen.

Who else?

I'll go.

And you are?

I'm Moira Rackhower.

I'm not a Hogwarts student.

I'm just here visiting my aunt.

Which wizardry school did you attend?

I'm homeschooled.

Oh, what does that even mean?

Why would you choose not to attend Hogwarts?

Well, for one, homeschool has significantly higher survival rates.

Rubbish.

I've been cursed.

Oh, no.

It's OK.

He's not a Gryffindor.

All right, come on, Cheryl.

What do we do with him?

Oh, just shove him under the table.

We'll solve that mystery in June.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Plus, my parents wanted me to understand things like math and science.

What's math?

No, no, let's get on before we're all attacked by he who must not be named.

Who?

He who must not be named.

My dad?

No.

My mom?

He who must not be named.

Oh, right, right, Dumbledore.

For goodness sake, Voldemort!

Don't say his name, child.

Why?

As Shakespeare wrote, a rose by any other name.

Oh, what's a Shakespeare?

What's a rose?

OK, OK.

Wardens at the ready.

One, two, three.

Expedite Flippendous!

Oh, she's dead.

Two deaths in one class.

Ten more and I'll set a record.

Let me have a look at her.

No, no, I'll take care of this.

She just needs a little magic.

Stupify!

What are you doing?

Everyone, cast your best spell on Ginny.

One of them is bound to help.

That's a terrible idea.

Expecto Patronum!

Eat slugs!

Bippity boppity boo!

That's not a spell.

Oh, right, right, right.

Avada Kedavra!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

My dear boy.

Crucio!

Stop, stop, all of you!

She's not dead, she just needs medical attention.

More like a cry for attention.

Gingers.

She needs CPR.

No one knows what you're saying.

Swab the mouth, tilt the head, hands over the sternum.

What sort of dark magic is this?

She's alive, how?

She's a witch.

We're all witches.

Yes, but not all of us are competent.

What are you even saying?

Yeah.

Well done, Miss Raccardo.

Thank you.

I hope all of you will see the value in learning something other than magic.

Nope.

I don't feel well.

She needs to rest and elevate her legs.

Allow me.

Wingardium Crucio!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!