You're not going to be sleeping with her.

Although you'd be a lot more interesting if you did. I'm not going to be sleeping with him either.

And when I tell his wife that, I want to look good doing it.

I have to look 20% better than her.

And since Skype makes you look 20% worse, I have to look 40% better than I do now. You realize talking about math in a hair salon is my worst nightmare, right?

Welcome to the Tristan Evans Salon.

Hi, hello.

Oh, we're here for the student haircuts.

I'm sorry?

The $6 haircuts for poor people from the people who don't really know how to cut hair yet. No, that's not true.

This is the Tristan Evans Salon.

I'm sure that everyone that's enrolled here is a genius.

At least tell me they're gay.

Just have a seat over there.

I'll have somebody come up from the hair school and...

Shh, it's so loud.

Hair school, got it.

We'll just take a seat over there till they arrive. Girl, you just sit there, relax, and let Jameis make this head major.

It's so weird because I majored in head.

Girl, you are all everything.

Oh, that's a little cold.

I'm sorry, what was your name again?

Dan.

Uh-huh, Dan.

So just Dan?

You're not like a Danny or a Dantrell?

Dan. I need to get conditioner.

Damn it, Max, I got a straight one.

What makes you think he's straight?

He keeps pushing my head down before I'm ready.

Is the water too warm?

Why are my pants too wet?

Girl, only in love.

Max, I need you to give me your gay.

Yeah, right.

I'll give you my left nut before I give you my gay. You weren't even going to get your hair done.

Yeah, but I always wanted to know what it felt like to get a shampoo without a school nurse running that tiny comb through my hair.

Dan, I have a magazine over there with a photo of a chic, piecey, choppy Bob.

You can do that, right?

Sure, piecey Bob.

Got it.

Sup? Dan, Dan, Dan!

OK, done.

You're ready to cut.

Let's go.

I can't risk some discount hetero cutting my hair.

I'll see you at home.

I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.

It should have been mine.

I haven't had a hairgasm in years.

She hasn't had any gasm in years.