-♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪

All right, thank you. Thank you very much.

How are you? How's it going?

Yes, nice to be here on such a fun week.

I know. I don't want to hear it.

I don't watch politics, so we're going to keep it light.

All right? Here we go.

All right, well, I just got over the flu, which is fantastic, you know what I mean?

Had it last month.

Whenever you have the flu, like, or, like, COVID, you know, you always lay in bed, and you try to, like, figure out who gave it to you.

Then I'm just going through this rolodex of people that coughed on you, sniffled near you, walked by an Asian or something.

You try to fight it.

You're like, they say on the Internet, that's where all the disease comes from.

I know who gave it to me.

I sat next to a shoeless cowboy on an airplane.

Guy had no socks or shoes on the whole flight.

The whole flight, I'm sitting there looking at his dirty Jesus feet, and all I'm thinking is the next pandemic is growing in the bottom of his feet, and all I'm going to be is the next, you know, patient number two, whatever the next disease is, you know?

So I'll tell you what kills me is I looked at the guy, and all I'm thinking is, you know what?

God made that guy.

You know, and he keeps making that guy.

Like one mouth-breathing moron after another.

Yet we still go to church on Sunday, and what do we do? We praise him.

When is the constructive criticism coming?

Like, dude, when's the last time you made a Gandhi?

Somebody empathetic, you know?

So my problem is I didn't get the flu shot, you know?

I'm old school.

I kind of still do the vaccine thing, you know?

I know some people like it.

Some people don't, you know?

I don't know.

It's a weird thing, though.

If you get it, what do you do?

You side with the evil pharmaceutical companies.

You know, if you don't, then you're aligned with people who don't wear shoes on an airplane.

All right, let's get to what you all want to talk about.

All right, ladies, you're 0 and 2 against this guy.

0 and 2.

All right, but you learn more from your losses than you wins.

So let's get into the game tape.

All right, ladies, enough with the pantsuit.

Okay? It's not working.

Stop trying to have respect for yourselves.

You don't win the office.

Like, on policy, you know?

You got to whore it up a little.

I'm not saying go full hooters, but find the happy medium between Applebee's and your dad didn't stick around.

All right?

You all know how to get a free drink.

Okay? And I know, listen,

I know a lot of ugly women, feminists, I mean, don't want to hear this message.

But just tease him a little bit.

Make a farmer feel like he's got a shot.

Swing a state over a little bit.

I'll be honest with you, I am so psyched that this stupid election is finally over.

It took forever.

You know? Yeah.

Everybody knew who they were voting for four years ago, and then they just drag you through a year and a half of this stuff.

Like, who was sitting there watching the debate like still not decided?

Two of the most polar opposite people ever.

It's like, all right, let's see.

What does the orange bigot have to say?

Hmm.

How about the real estate agent that speaks through her nose?

Oh, this is so difficult.

It's like they overlap.

I just can't make up my mind.

I'll be honest with you.

I can't believe Trump didn't win this thing like four months ago, you know?

I know that's weird for younger people to hear, but, like, when I was a kid, if you were running for president and you got shot and you didn't die, that was the end of the election.

There was nothing you could say, right?

Everybody would just be like, this guy's the man. He is the king.

I don't know. I'll be honest with you.

I think the number one reason, like, Trump survived is all those herky-jerky movements that he does.

You just can't, like, nail the guy down.

I gotta be honest. The guy is a lunatic.

I mean, he literally got shot and immediately jumped back up and started yelling in the direction the bullets were coming from, unarmed.

That's not a sane human being.

I would have been on the ground crying in the fetal position, like, all right, give me the truck!

I don't want this job anymore!

Just tell her she won! Tell her she won!

But Trump's got all those weird, you know, you know, coming out.

I think the guy couldn't get, like, a beat on him, you know?

And, like, right as he pulled the trigger, like, Trump was just like, and sleepy Joe!

And the bullet went by his head.

My favorite part of the campaign, though, was when Trump went to McDonald's.

Wasn't that amazing?

That's the only time I've ever seen that guy truly happy.

Like, he was glowing.

When he got behind the counter, it was like he was behind stage at, like, Springsteen or something.

He's like, oh, my God, this is, like, where they make the French fries!

And he was sticking a couple extra in one.

He goes, hey, whoever gets this one's gonna be excited.

It's like, oh, my God, was that empathy?

Of the people, Donald?

It's like when the Grinch came down the hill bringing the toys back and his heart got a little bigger.

Ha, ha, ha.

All right, we'll end on something nice here.

I, uh, I fell asleep the other night.

You ever fall asleep, like, watching TV?

You, like, leave it on, you know, and you wake up at 3 in the morning, and whatever you're watching makes you feel like you're still dreaming?

Yeah, I woke up at 3 in the morning.

I swear to God, Shaquille O'Neal was selling me printer ink.

Standing there seven feet tall.

Hi, I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

Are you paying too much money for your printer ink?

Every day, people come up to me, and they say,

I'm paying too much money for my printer ink.

He's holding a printer.

It's like the size of a cell phone.

People come up to me.

I'm paying too much money.

And I'm like, well, I have the solution.

Dude, is there no end to that guy's credibility?

I thought when he was selling Buicks, that was the end of it.

It's laying in that little car, the midsize Buick Century.

This is the most comfortable car I have ever been in.

He's got one foot out one window, the other foot out the other.

If I was regular size, this is the car I would buy.

It blows my mind.

Doesn't he even have, like, a billion dollars at this point?

It's like, why are you still working?

Take a weekend off, you nine-foot whore.

Give somebody else a chance.

All right, that's it.

We got a great show.

Stick around.

McGee will be here.

We'll see you in a minute.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.