I did that all on my own, I guess.

What style of Asian are you, sir?

I'm a mix of Vietnamese and Chinese.

Vietnamese and...

Chinese.

And Chinese, yes.

People think that's the same thing because they're ignorant, but they...

Like, isn't that two types of the same Chinese?

No.

It's not at all, at all.

Not even close to the same.

So your family is Chinese and went to Vietnam, is that what happened?

My mom, yes.

Your mom, yeah.

And what's your name?

Jean-Philippe.

Jean-Philippe, yeah, for sure, yeah.

Absolutely, yeah. 100%, 100%.

Now when I think of those great Chinese-Vietnamese names...

Jean-Philippe is always at the top of that list.

I think it was right after the Ming Dynasty, there was the...

Jean-Philippe Dynasty.

Your parents really wanted to blend in, huh?

We have an applicant here, Jean-Philippe.

Good Frenchman, come on in.

What the fuck is this?

And that's your girlfriend, your wife?

My wife.

Hi, wife, how are you?

And what's your background?

I'm Chinese.

You're Chinese, the real one, right?

Yeah.

And what's your name?

Jocelyn.

Jocelyn, yeah, that's more Chinese, yeah.

Well, it could be, it could be like, Jocelyn, you know what I mean?

We don't know.

Could be, we don't know.

See, that's the thing, Asian people, Indian people, we know what we are.

White folks, I feel bad for you.

Because if you ever ask a white person what they are, they just give you, like, a list of their greatest hits, like, all their favorite things.

What are you?

Oh, my God, I'm such a mutt.

Oh, my God, oh.

Where do I start?

I'm part German Shepherd, part...

What am I, like, guacamole?

I love guacamole.

Has anybody ever done Ancestry.com or 23andMe?

Yeah?

You can't trust these websites, you know what I mean?

They're not trustworthy, they're not designed for everybody.

There are certain people who will never ever have to go on an Ancestry website.

Indian people will never have to go on an Ancestry website.

First of all, we probably programmed the website.

Jocelyn, my Chinese friend.

What's your Chinese name, Jocelyn?

Bihuan.

Bihuan?

Bihuan, with each other.

It's not just a name, it's a message.

There's a Mexican guy going, hey, I'm Juan.

Who else wants to be Juan?

Chinese people shouldn't be allowed on Ancestry.com or 23andMe.

There should be, like, a filter that can, like, detect Chinese names.

The minute it sees, like, an X, I, U, a mirror just pops up.

Bing!

Hey, asshole.

Take a closer look.

Give me one possibility of something other than the obvious.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Save your credit card info.

Go to Alibaba.com.

Enter promo code B1.

B1.

Those websites are really ideally designed for white Americans.

Because, you know, there's a difference between white Canadians and white Americans.

I feel like Americans are the only true white people in the world.

And let me explain.

Like, Canadians, it doesn't matter what color, race you are, we all know whose land this really is.

You know what I mean?

We all know this is First Nations land.

Every single one of us knows that.

And we're like, thanks for letting us stay.

You know?

Americans are white people because they really believe that's their land over there.

Europeans aren't white to me.

You know what I mean?

Europeans can't be white.

I told a Russian guy the other night, I said, are you white?

He goes, yes.

I go, no, you're not.

He goes, what do you mean I am not?

I go, you can be white.

You have your own language, your own culture, your own food, your own country.

A brand new country.

What?

What happened?

Wait, why isn't it funny when it happens to you, but it's fucking hilarious when it happens to us?

You hypocrites.

You got to be careful.

They throw these little curveballs at you.

They have two curveballs that they throw at white people, one for white men and one for white women.

The most common curveball for white men, I'll be like, what did you find out that you didn't know about yourself?

And they'll be like, I found out I'm part Native American.

I'm part Cherokee.

I'm like, dude, you're not even part owner of a Jeep Cherokee.

And I think they're trying to eradicate racism through white women.

Because white girls will get this one more often.

They'll be like, oh my god, Megan, I just got my results back.

It turns out I'm 0.0000.2% Sub-Saharan African.

Megan, I'm back.

It's a whole new world for me, Megan.

I'm afraid of the police.

My credit just took a shit.

I think I'm pregnant.

Fuck you, Megan, you cracker bitch.

You don't know what it's like to be a black woman in North America.

Say it with me, Megan.

My life matters.