You're Only A Man If You Have This. Corey Rodrigues - Full Special

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If my girl ever got me $200 worth of tools, I'd be like, return them and get me four PlayStation games.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not a real man, right?
Like, no, no, no, no.
That means so many different things nowadays.
I don't mean that, okay?
No, because people are like,
I know his shirt looked a little, right?
No, no, no, no, no.
I have man parts.
I just mean...
I don't know.
I feel like every real man I know has a lot of tools, a lot of ties, and a lot of dress socks.
When do you get all those tools?
Someone was like, you get those tools for gifts.
I was like, ugh.
Right?
If my girl ever got me $200 worth of tools,
I'd be like, return them and get me four PlayStation games.
Ugh, tools?
Who buys tools?
Ugh.
Somebody needs to leave them.
I'm looking around this room right now.
There's a lot of people in here with tools.
You have tools.
I look at your face.
The way you sit.
Ugh.
Of course I do.
Yeah, I know you do.
Here's a I have tools face.
In his garage, working on his workbench, putting things he has fun doing.
No, yeah, exactly.
Not me.
You have a light on your workbench too, don't you?
Of course I do.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
That's not a satisfying Christmas gift for me at all.
No.
Mm-mm.
Tools?
Ew.
No.
I don't know.
I have three tools.
I have a Phillips screwdriver.
I have a flathead screwdriver.
And I use my girlfriend's pliers.
Right?
You know how emasculated it is for your girlfriend to be like, did you put my pliers back?
And I was like, I was going to use them again.
Don't worry about it.
I'll put them back.
The weirdest thing that's ever happened to me after a show is one time I was leaving a show, and I was telling people this.
I don't have tools.
I'm leaving a show.
This lady follows me to my car.
As I'm walking out, she goes, excuse me, honey.
Can I talk to you?
Honey, excuse me.
Hey, can I talk to you?
And I didn't even know she was talking to me.
Right?
I was like, what?
I was like, yeah.
She was like, you don't have a hammer?
How do you not have a hammer, honey?
When you were on stage, you said you had three tools, but you didn't mention a hammer.
How do you not have a hammer, honey?
How do you survive without a hammer?
Oh, my God.
How do you not have a hammer?
Like, she was, like, upset.
It was, like, bothering her.
I don't understand how you can survive in the world without a hammer.
Everybody needs to have a hammer.
Right?
And I'm like, are you really following me, you weirdo?
Right?
We get to my car, and I'm like, yeah, I don't have one.
She goes, just wait one second.
She runs to her car, comes back.
She goes, I always keep two hammers, and here's one.
Take the hammer.
I got a hammer from some lady after a show.
I took the hammer.
I acted like I was really grateful.
I was like, oh, thank you.
No, now everything's great.
I didn't have the heart to tell her, like, I have a hammer, stupid.
OK?
At home.
All right?
Who doesn't have a hammer?
OK?
So I just didn't tell you guys I have a hammer.
But of course I have a hammer.
All right?
I have a house.
All right?
Like, house 101.
Anyways, as I started driving away, I started laughing at myself, just thinking how stupid
I was.
Because she probably went back to her car and made a call like, yeah, hello?
Yeah, I got rid of the hammer.
We're good to go.
Worked out perfect.
I got some murderous hammer in my trunk now.
It's beautiful.
Love being here, man.
This is my second time ever in Utah, and I like it.
You guys, I'm not saying you get a bad name.
But you're a lot better than what people say about your name, is what I'm saying.
I like it here.
I do like it here.
I discovered you have the best Chinese food in the world, apparently, according to the place next door.
They're like, what do you want to eat?
I was like, the best Chinese food is here.
It says it right out front, so let me get that.
What could go wrong?
Everything could go wrong.
Chinese food.
But I had a little bit of that food.
I'm content, though, because I stopped and had the best meal of my life.
I stopped and had some McDonald's.
I don't think any adult eats McDonald's nowadays, and when they're done eating it, they're like, that was delicious.
I think even when kids eat McDonald's, they're like, my stomach hurts.
But I want to go back tomorrow.
What is in it?
McDonald's is the only food you eat, and you know you messed up when it's in your throat.
It doesn't even have to get to your stomach.
You're like, I got to start making mistakes.
What is this?
I don't care what fast food I eat.
If I order french fries, I have to eat every fry.
I get depressive if the fries start running out.
I reach in the bag.
I'm like, I know there was more fries in this bag.
Where's the rest of those fries?
Then I move the napkin out the way, and I find that one little burnt piece of crunchy fry.
I'm like, that's what I'm talking about, baby, right there.
My meal is complete.
Before today, I haven't been to McDonald's in like six or seven months, and I was cleaning out my car, and I found some french fries in between the seats.
Yes, and the fries look better than they did the day that I bought them.
I was like, how is there no bacteria on these fries?
You know how bad of a food you have to be for mold to be like, I don't eat that.
That's a horrible food.
Someone was like, did you eat the fries?
I did lick one of them.
It was still salty.
I didn't eat it, though.
I was like, this is super salt.
How is it still there?
I was telling one of my friends about that on the way here.
I was like, yo, I found french fries in between my seats.
She was like, you found french fries?
She was like, I found a burger in between my seats.
I was like, a burger?
I was like, what, like a wrapped up burger?
She was like, no, just a patty.
I said, who loses a burger patty in between their seats?
How dirty is your car that you can lose a patty?
I've never once went to McDonald's and was eating a cheeseburger, and the meat fell from between the bun.
And I just kept eating it like, oh, I guess this is just a ketchup, onion, cheese, mustard, pickle sandwich.
How do you lose the patty?
I started thinking about some people's cars.
Some people's cars are filthy.
Some people can lose a patty in their car.
You ever go to get in someone's car, you get in the passenger seat, and they start apologizing as you get in?
Like, don't worry about it.
You can step on everything.
Don't worry about it.
Just get in and step on that stuff.
You step in, there's Aquafina bottles and all kinds of coffee cups.
Like...
There's crushing stuff leaking on your feet the whole ride.
I feel like they always have one important thing on the floor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't step on that.
That's my application.
Hey, why is it on the floor?
That's my fast car.
Sorry, I left it on the floor.
People's cars are filthy like that.
They feel pressure when more than two people ask them for a ride, right?
Can I get a ride too?
They're like, uh...
Give me a second.
Meet me at the car in five.
They gotta clean all that stuff from behind the passenger seat that they just throw back.
They're gross cars.
Clap if you have a pet, if you have a dog.
Clap.
Clap if you have a cat.
All right, so one girl has both back there.
The girl...
The screechy girl back there.
Good, okay, very happy to have both.
That's good.
Your car smells phenomenal, I guarantee.
The type of girl that just lies to you.
You're sitting in her car.
She's like, oh, this dog got wet somehow.
I don't know.
She jumped in a lake.
I don't know what happened.
You'll be riding in someone's car with a dog and you're like...
And, you know, they know it stinks in there.
But they're waiting to look at your face to see when you crack the window, you know, when you're just sitting there.
And you're just waiting and eventually you're like, I can't take it anymore.
It doesn't matter if it's three degrees outside.
You're like, I can't breathe.
It stinks in here, okay?
I can adjust the temperature.
Nope, I'm good.
I want the fresh air.
If you have a dog and I'm riding in your car, clean your car a little bit.
That's all I'm saying.
I don't want to step out and you're like, yeah, open the glove box.
I got one of those rolly things so you can get all the stuff off of you.
Don't give me that.
Just clean the car before I get in.
Rolling over my clothes.
Whoa, whoa, come here, come here.
It's on its last strip.
Let's just roll.
I don't know.
People with cats and dogs are funny, man.
How many people don't like cats?
Clap if you don't like cats.
How'd that feel?
Raise your hand if you're one of the people who said you don't like cats.
Why don't you like cats?
There's no purpose, right?
There's no purpose?
Really?
How evil is this guy?
Like the cat's purpose is to serve him.
Like, I'm here for you, meow.
Right?
What do you mean no purpose?
These are the things that people say when you ask them about a cat.
I like cats.
I like dogs, too.
But when you ask someone, a dog person, you're like, do you like cats?
They're like, no, I got a dog.
There's no purpose for cats, right?
It's like, I want to go back to a time when we could like two things.
Remember we used to be able to like two things?
Like, I like some Republican views.
I like some Democratic views, right?
Remember we could do that?
I like black people and I like police.
Remember we could do that?
Remember that?
The world's changed.
We have to only like one thing.
Forget that, man.
I like it.
I like cats.
The funny thing, though, like dogs, the crazy thing with dogs and cats is this.
Like, it's weird when you like yell out that you like a cat.
I'm not just putting this on you.
I'm not saying anybody.
Like, if you're at a bar and someone's like, want to see a picture of my cat?
You're like, you're a freak.
Get away from me.
But people will show you their puppy all day, right?
You can't pull out a cat at a bar.
If a dude pulls out a cat picture at a bar, they're like, he's a creep.
Get away from that weirdo with three cats on his phone.
What's this dude doing?
I have a friend who's always like, I don't like cats because they're mean and because they don't listen to you.
They do whatever they want to do.
I feed it.
I give it water.
I should be able to pet it when I want to.
I'm like, really?
Is that how it works?
What if you went into your job every day and your boss was like, Steve, come here.
Wouldn't there be a couple of days where you're like, don't touch me today.
I don't want any.
Cats just have personality, right?
You can't bribe them with treats all the time.
They're like, no, I'm good.
Somebody's dog, you just pull a treat out.
The dog can be vicious.
Unless the dog is really, really well trained.
The dog can be like, and you're like, hey, look what I got, boy.
He's like, let me run over here real quick.
And he just talks to his owner.
Like, I'm going to go over here real quick and see.
Check that treat out.
I'll be right back.
Try to take somebody's cat like that.
You put a treat out to the cat.
The cat's like, yeah, right.
Walk away from it.
Put it on the ground and walk away from it.
I'll come back and smell it and decide if it's safe.
The dog's just like, give me that treat.
Give it to me.
Give it to me quick, fast.
You can put a bowl of food and leave the cat for three days.
A bowl of food, put water there.
If the water evaporates or he drinks too much, open the toilet.
Do whatever you've got to do to put more water around the house.
The cat will eat and drink.
For a week, the cat will be fine.
There will be food left when you come back.
That doubles your trip.
You do the same thing with a dog.
Before you get up the block, the dog's like, hey, really?
I thought it was Thanksgiving.
I ate all that in like five minutes.
I thought it was a treat.
You put so much in there at one time, I thought it was a gift.
Doggy Christmas.
Stupid.
Come back home, the dog's already eaten half the couch.
I was hungry, man.
I thought you were gone forever.
You must not have pets, sir.
You have a dog?
Did I just disrespect your dog too much?
Or did I nail your dog?
Nailed your dog.
What kind of dog do you have?
Labradoodle?
Aw, such a pretty little non-allergenic dog, right?
I said little?
I'm sorry.
Well, I'm up here.
I'm on stage, so I'm kind of right still.
I was like, little dog.
He was like, up here.
Thank you.
Labradoodle.
Such a confused dog.
No, he's like a big, tough size, but like, it's a poodle.
Labradoodle.
My friends have pit bulls, and a couple of my friends have pit bulls.
One of my friends here tonight has a couple of pit bulls.
She's scary.
Her Instagram's scary.
These dogs.
Aren't they beautiful?
Nope.
Only people that own pit bulls are the ones that are like, they're the best dog ever.
You need to open up your heart.
I'm like, no.
I'll trust you from afar.
Because I have a couple of friends.
Here's the thing.
I have a couple of friends that love pit bulls, and I go to his house.
Actually, one of my cousins.
When I go to his house, it's so scary.
Because when I show up at the house, the dog is already waiting for me at the screen.
Like, right?
And I see him in his living room.
I'm like, yo, come let me in.
He was like, the door's open.
Just come in.
I was like, nah, man.
Why don't you just come let me in?
Right?
Because the dog is ripping at the screen.
Like, right?
He's like, yo, the dog's not going to do anything.
Just come in.
I'm like, well, he's ripped the screen to pieces.
I don't know if I want to walk by him right now.
So he angrily comes to the door like, come on.
Watch out.
Tells the dog to watch out.
The dog obviously listens to him because he feeds it.
So the dog, to me, looks like a monster.
To him, the dog's like, bark, bark, bark, backs up.
I'm like, all right, Cesar Milan.
OK, go ahead.
Back your dog up.
Dog backs up.
He comes.
He's like, come on in, man.
I'm staying really close to him, like right on his butt when we go in the house.
He's like, you've got to relax, man.
The dog can smell fear.
I was like, well, he can definitely smell this pee running down my leg right now because I am afraid right now.
Straight up afraid.
You ever have a dog lift you off your feet while it's smelling you?
Because the dog never smells an area of your body you don't care about, right?
Immediately when I get in the house, the dog is like, woof, woof.
I'm trying to act tough, right?
It's all right, dog.
It's OK, man.
I'm so scared.
You can hear my heart like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
The dog hear my heart beating right now?
I am afraid right now.
It's always weird when people say stuff like that.
They're like, just act a certain way.
Act tough.
Like, they say the same thing with bears.
They're like, if there's a bear attacking you in the woods, you play dead.
I'm like, mm.
What's the bear's qualifications for knowing if you're dead?
Because I'm definitely, if he's hitting me,
I'm definitely going to hit him.
I'm definitely going to hit him.
What's the bear's qualifications for knowing if you're dead?
Because I'm definitely, if he's hitting me,
I'm definitely going to go, ah.
Like, does that mean I'm dead?
Because I can keep my eyes closed when I do that.
But if there's a bear, I'm just saying, think about it.
If there's a bear slapping, ah, I'm not like, mm.
I'm like, the bear's just slapping me around.
I'm like, I'm the best charades player ever.
It would be messed up if it was just like one smart bear out there.
Just put his little paw on your neck like, no, he still has a pulse.
Ah!
Right?
I don't know.
Things I think about.
I grew up with my grandfather.
My grandfather came from North Carolina, has a third grade education, moved here, has every tool you can think of, can fix everything, hot water heaters, plumbing, flooring, ceilings, everything.
He can do all that work.
Third grade education.
When he moved here from North Carolina, he came up in two barbershops, three homes.
Third grade, can't even say three.
He says, one, two, shree, shree, shree.
I'm like, what did they used to teach these two?
How does he know?
I'm still looking up ground wires a lot of times when I do stuff.
I'm like, what's the ground wire here?
How does he know this stuff?
I have a college degree.
If I lose Wi-Fi, I can't fix anything.
If I can't get on YouTube, nothing will ever get done.
You ever watch a YouTube video?
You're like, ooh, that's too advanced for me, right?
You ever watch a YouTube video and they're like, listen, before you do any electrical work in your home, everybody knows you need to go downstairs and turn off the main power source.
I'm like, everybody doesn't know that.
I need to watch another video that leads up to this video.
I thought I could just use rubber handle tools and get the job done.
Die, people walking by my casket because I electrocuted myself.
Like, you should have known better.
Is that even sad for me?
I don't know.
I'm not stupid, though.
I feel people judging me right now.
I don't need to watch stupid people videos, okay?
I don't need to watch a video where they're like, okay, before you do any electrical work in your home, you want to step out of the bucket of water?
I'm just saying I don't speak fluent contractor, that's all I'm saying.
I just recently learned how to hang pictures properly.
Six months ago, I learned how to properly hang pictures, right?
I've been hanging them for years, but properly, no.
The pressure I feel when some guy will be like, you don't hear the difference?
He just starts knocking on a wall near me.
The guy's like knocking on the wall.
You don't hear it?
I start sweating.
I'm like, oh, man, I'm supposed to hear something.
Because I'm a man, I'm supposed to hear some knocks back there.
Something's back there.
If there's a lot of people around, I'd be like, I hear it.
But I'm telling you right now, I never hear it.
I wait until he gets to an area where he's like, there it is, and then I just back him up.
I'm like, that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
I hear it now, right?
I don't hear it.
That pressure.
People are like, that picture looks a little low for this room, don't you think?
They come and they start judging my pictures all around the house.
Don't you think that's a little off?
I'm like, if you moved it and saw all the holes behind it, you would shut up.
Here's a secret you might not know.
85 thumbtacks will hold your TV for five minutes.
I've tried a lot of shortcuts.
Even though that was a long shortcut, it'll fall.
But for five minutes, you'll be like, whoa!
Nope.
Nope, it didn't stay.
Sometimes you have to admit as a man that there are men that are more manly than you.
You ever have a guy stand in front of your car and make the engine rev from the front?
Whoa.
You ever see a guy stand in front of your car like, whoa.
You're like, whoa, what are you doing?
He's like, don't touch the gas.
I'm like, oh my goodness.
And some of you are looking at me like, that's not a big deal to me.
I'm like, he's a wizard.
Look at a worker.
What is he touching?
The head gasket?
The catalytic converter?
What is he touching?
I don't even know if those are the right parts.
I just know those are under there, right?
You ever see that guy's fingers?
That guy who's doing that, what's under his fingers?
It's like he's been digging graves with his bare hands and cutting portobello mushrooms all week.
What's under your fingernails?
They're filthy.
I work hard, that's what's under my nails.
Well, you need to work hard at cleaning your fingers.
Looks like you got a French manicure with black tips.
What is that?
Clean it up.
My friend Joe is like that.
Every time I go to his house, he's like, you want something to drink?
I'm like, yeah.
He's like, you want some ice?
I'm like, don't touch my ice.
Can I have one drink at your house without crude oil in it?
Is that possible?
Everything I drink over here has a rainbow film at the top.
What is that?
He's always like, it'll make you tough.
I'm like, it'll make you dead.
That's oil.
What are you talking about?
Nothing bothers him.
He's a little steel stomach guy.
I hate people who never get affected by germs.
Like germs, I don't like, I'm kind of a germaphobe.
I'm like a half germaphobe.
I'm not like full fledged.
I can't get in the world.
I'm not like that.
But I don't like seeing germs.
Like one time after the show, someone was shaking my hand.
I had a great time.
And while the guy was going, he was going to shake my hand.
He was like, and he sneezed.
Yes, is right.
Thank you.
My people, right?
He's going, but he didn't mean to do it.
But he was just like, oh man, I had to go.
And he was going, but I was already going forward.
I couldn't stop the momentum.
I couldn't stop the momentum.
And then we locked.
And I was like, oh.
It felt like my arm was burning.
I'm so exaggerated.
I was like, oh.
Somehow I felt between his fingers.
It was the weirdest handshake ever.
I was like, why is it moist between your fingers?
What is that?
Gross handshake.
My buddy was like, oh, you act like everything's a big deal.
I was like, that is kind of a big deal.
I don't mind if germs get on me.
I don't want to see them, no.
I don't need to see them.
That's gross.
I think people, this is something gross I notice about people, myself included.
You need to wash your jeans more.
Yeah, ha ha ha.
See how quiet it, ha ha ha.
Yeah, yeah.
Wash your jeans more.
People wash their jeans, you know, a couple times a month, you know.
Once a week.
If you wear those jeans, you need to wash.
If you ever pick up your jeans and smell the butt and be like, who's been wearing my jeans?
The butt on these jeans is rotten.
This can't be me.
What did I sit in?
These aren't even, this doesn't even smell like me.
Yeah, because you let your jeans go for too long.
Because by the time they feel good, it's like you've worn them a few times.
You're like, now they're stretched out perfectly.
Because when you first wash jeans, they suck.
They're the worst.
When you first wash them, you're like, oh, I don't like the way they feel.
And then give it like three days, you're like, that's what I'm talking about.
But they stink.
People wash their jeans like their winter coat.
Never.
When's the last time you washed your winter coat?
People lose their winter coat before they wash it.
I had that coat for two years and it just disappeared.
I don't know what happened to it.
Winter coats are gross.
You ever seen an adult dude with just a streak of dry snot up his sleeve?
Yeah, oh, go home and look at your coats in the closet right now.
This is Provo.
It's got cold here.
It's cold.
There's times when it's been chilly outside and someone's asking you for directions.
Where's dry bar?
It's over there, Pastor Mary.
Where is it?
Oh, Pastor Mary.
Where is it?
And you're like, I told you to go over there.
Oh, I can't wait for someone to Facebook me later and be like, yeah, I had some stuff on my sleeve.
You were right.
My grandparents are in the room.
Grandparents have no respect when they watch your kids.
You know that, right?
They do whatever they want to do.
And you can't say anything because you're like, it's free.
So you just got to let it happen.
They don't care.
You're like, listen, he has peanut allergies.
He has gluten allergy.
They're like, yeah, yeah, okay.
I'll make sure.
I'll give him this thing at four o'clock.
I'll give him the other thing at seven.
I'll give him.
As soon as you leave, they're like, you ain't getting none of that stuff, kid.
I've raised seven kids and they're all fine, right?
You come back.
The kids' eyes are all swollen.
They're like, why'd you get, what are you doing?
They're like, hey, I raised you and your brothers and you're alive, right?
That's the grandparents' only qualification for doing a good job is that you're alive.
You're like, yeah, I'm alive, but I'm messed up.
Old people got to be stopped at some point, right?
Listen, follow me for a second.
I don't mean killed or anything, okay?
I just think they should have to take some kind of test or something before they buy certain electronics.
Old people don't know how to use anything.
You ever be in line behind somebody real old with a cell phone with that stupid default ringer on the whole time?
They don't even know it's them ringing, right?
Skratta ganga. Em gida ganga. Em gira ganga. Em gab gap.
Skratta ganga. Em gida ganga. Em gira ganga. Em gab gap.
Skratta ganga. Em gita ganga. Em gita ganga. Em gap gap.
No, is that my phone?
Skratta ganga. Em gita ganga. Em gita ganga. Em gap gap.
Why's it lightin' up?
Skratta ganga. You're like, there's a silent button on the cell phone.
Hit the silent button.
My grandmother, she's on the phone and people bragging about me using the remote control.
Like, ooh child, you should see Cory use that remote control.
The other day he changed the channel from the other room.
I'm like, Nana, you could change the channels too if you stop hitting auxiliary and hit the cable button.
You could change the channels too.
My grandfather doesn't know how to use the microwave. He doesn't know how to use it.
Everything he puts in the microwave, he pushes 43, 33.
It doesn't matter what it is. Pop tarts, ramen noodles, 43, 33.
The other day he came in the kitchen, he was reheating a fish and chip.
And he had it in one of those white styrofoam containers.
Yes. He put it in. He pushed 43, 33.
I said, this is gonna be good.
At like the 15 minute mark, the container just collapsed.
At the 22 minute mark, he came back in the kitchen, he was looking in the microwave.
He said, hey, that don't look right.
I don't remember putting cheese on that stuff.
I said, that's provolone cheese, grandpa. That's provolone.
And I watched him eat every bite of it too.
I don't care. He's got to learn. He knows that's not cheese. He knows that's styrofoam.
What kind of cheese you cut goes, when you're cutting it.
He was putting ketchup and pepper on it.
I said, you don't hear that cheese squeaking? He said, I thought that was my cell phone ringing.
I said, see.
Technology, at a certain point, we get to a point where we stop.
You get to an age where you're like, I don't care about that anymore.
You just stop. You start seeing it in school. It happens in school early on.
It doesn't matter how smart this teacher is. It doesn't matter what they teach.
If they have to roll in a TV or there's a TV that needs to be turned on.
They're like, oh, this thing's not working.
And there's always someone in the room who's like, yeah, you got to plug it in.
Power's off.
Don't you have these devices at home? How come when you get in the classroom, they're like, I don't know, it's not working.
I can't rewind it. It's the one that goes that way. The arrows.
Something happens to you at a certain, I don't know what age, I don't know when it's going to happen.
To me, I just want it to never happen. I'm like, I hope it never happens.
I hope I'm always like, I'm ready to go. Right?
Because isn't it inspiring when you see someone like 87 and they're like, I got email, email me at AOL.
You're like, you got email?
Because most of them are like, I don't do that. I just pick up the phone.
You're like, that's why nobody picks up when you call.
Just text us.
Sometimes they don't know how to use it.
You got to be careful with a smartphone if you don't know how to use it.
You got the font giant, right? That giant font because they can't see.
You got to call them three times. I got to call my grandmother three times.
I know she's there, right?
Because she has to go through the whole thing of finding her glasses hanging on her neck that she's looking for.
Put it on, then look at the phone.
Then she has to get a pen for whatever reason. She's not even writing anything down.
I'm like, Nana, what were you doing?
Trying to find my glasses and my pen.
I wasn't telling you anything to write down. Just in case.
I was on a flight three weeks ago going to West Virginia.
I go out there a lot, do shows out there, and I was going to go work at a college out there.
And I'm on the plane, and the funniest thing in the world happened to me.
I'm sitting next to this older white lady. She's in the middle. I'm on the aisle seat.
And I look at her phone, and she has the giant font.
It says, there's a black guy sitting next to me.
Yes.
Right?
Now, somebody would be like, you should mind your business, and I'd be looking at her phone.
I'm like, you should hide your business, okay?
If you take out a phone or a book around me, I'm reading it for a second to be like, okay, I'm safe.
All right, everything's good, right?
I got to check you out for a second. I don't care. I'm a peeker. I'm peeking at it.
So when I saw that, there's a black guy sitting next to me. I'm like, oh, this is crazy.
What's going to be the next text?
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like chomping at the bit.
Like, what's going to be the next text?
I'm like, take off. We're in the air.
We land. Everybody's putting their phones back on.
Everyone's phone's like, brr, brr, bing, bing, bing, brr, brr, bing, bing.
I'm not even peeking anymore. I'm just looking at her phone, just waiting for her to see, like, what somebody wrote back.
I look at her phone. Nobody wrote anything.
I'm like, ah, I'm so lost. I wanted to know, what did that mean?
What did that, because there's no, there's no, like, there's no feelings in the text.
And all of the font was big because she was old.
So, you know, the font was like a thousand, right?
Three letters on each thing. It was like, there's a T-H-E.
I had to, like, took me a while for her to scroll across and see what she was writing.
But I wonder right now, like, what did that mean?
Was it bad or was it good?
I don't know what her conversation was with somebody before she got on that plane.
Was she like, I've never sat next to a black guy.
I hope there's a black guy that sits next to me.
And so she just texted somebody like, there's a black guy sitting next to me.
Like, happy?
Or was she like, there's a black guy sitting next to me if I go missing.
Off of the plane.
Yeah, your face, like, what is what I was thinking?
Because I still don't know. I just want to do a show one time.
And someone's like, oh, that's my aunt. She does that all the time to people.
She likes playing around with black guys that look at her phone.
She just writes stuff like that.
I don't know.
So, my girlfriend is, um, she's white.
Good. Okay, so, the thing is.
I don't know. I'm just figuring out how you feel about it.
Anyways, okay, so.
So diverse in here.
Anyways, let's keep it moving.
Wow.
This is such an eclectic crowd.
I feel like half of you I could talk to you about Facebook and Snapchat.
And I feel like the rest of you are waiting for the Rat Pack to show up.
I love Sammy Davis, the candy man.
Is he going to dance tonight or what? What is he doing?
Anyways.
Reference was a little old for some of the people.
Some people are like, who's the Rat Pack?
Other people are like, what's Snapchat? What is that?
Snap Face? What is that? What is that?
I hate when someone older messes it up on person.
I was on that Face Chat.
You're like, you know the name of it.
You have an account. You have an account.
Sometimes older people try to diss you, but then they want you to set them up.
How do I add friends? You're like, get away from me.
You didn't like it a minute ago.
How do I add friends?
Writing all over your wall. Ridiculous stuff.
Nana's coming. We want to make sure you're here to see Nana this year.
You're like, can you not write that on my wall, please? Can you not do that?
How about that?
How about you just put it in a message?
I did. I messaged it to you. On my wall!
Forget it.
I'm just going to block you.
Don't act like you haven't blocked some of your family.
Like, I don't even want to deal.
If I don't block them, I'm unfollowing them because I can't take it anymore.
Right?
Negative people in real life, but on Facebook, they're like, everybody loves everybody.
You're like, in real life, you're the worst person that I know.
Dark cloud over you all the time.
But on Facebook, there's so all the joys of the world.
You're like, okay.
So anyways, the girl I'm with, her family likes to go to Jersey Shore every year.
I told you, I live in Boston.
It's a big vacation destination.
We all go to LBI, Long Beach Island. It's crazy.
Beach time. Everybody's on the beach.
So I thought it was going to be nuts.
I thought it was going to be like, whoo, it's going to be a party.
No. Okay. Here's what happens.
We go rent this house for a week, and whole family, and they wake up at like six in the morning.
Right?
And they drag out all the stuff out of the house, and they bring it to the beach.
Couches, chairs, cans of food, sandwiches, books.
Her mom's like, you got a book? You're going to need a book, honey.
You got a book? You're going to need a book, Cory.
You got a book? You're going to really need a book.
I had no idea they were all just going to sit on the beach and cook in the sun.
And then they all just flip like little rotisserie chickens, and they just keep going.
And at one point, our mom looked at me.
She was like, are you having a good time, honey?
I was like, yeah, I'm having a good time, because I'm respectful.
But I wasn't having a good time.
I wanted to be like, what do you want me to do?
Lay on my back and tan the bottoms of my hands and my feet?
I'm tan already.
How long are we going to stay here?
How long are we going to stay here?
Her dad, by the third day, her dad's always peeling from his forehead.
He's peeling from his nose.
He's like, I don't know how I got burned this year.
I'm like, really? You don't know how you got burned this year?
What happened? Did the sun trick you this year?
Is that what happened?
Did it somehow hide behind the moon, and then it just popped out like, burn, baby, burn?
Jump back behind the moon and hid?
What do you mean?
Her brother always takes his little pasty arm and he puts it next to my arm, right?
The second day, he's like, look at me, bro.
I'm almost as dark as you.
I'm as dark as you.
You know how scared you would be if you woke up one morning and just the right side of your face was my complexion as a white guy?
You'd be like, ah, ah!
I'm turning into a panda!
I'm turning into a panda!
Ah! You'd be so scared.
One of the days, I'm sitting there with everybody.
I said, give me the 50.
Putting on the sunblock.
I said, give me the 50.
I'm like, bro, I'm putting on the 50, whatever.
He starts laughing.
The brother starts laughing.
He's like, why are you putting on sunscreen?
I'm like, why are you laughing?
He goes, because you're putting on sunblock.
You're made out of meat, that's why.
What do you mean, why?
This is skin, what are you thinking?
What do you mean, why?
He's like, relax.
I just didn't think you needed it.
I grew up thinking black people didn't need sunscreen.
I was like, that's a thing you grew up learning?
He was like, yeah, that's what I thought.
I didn't know.
Just assimilated into my brain somehow.
I'm not racist, clearly.
I'm hanging out with you right now, so.
He's like, I didn't know.
You know what's messed up as I look at your faces?
I feel like you're looking at me like,
I didn't think you needed it either.
That's a problem.
Black people need sunscreen.
What is wrong with you?
What do you think happened to Morgan Freeman's face?
All those chocolate chips on his face, that's from the sun.
That's not genetic.
He was in the cell with no sunscreen.
Should have put a little sunscreen on my face.
Another time.
You know what I don't like?
I don't like how guys are supposed to be tough all the time.
Sometimes we're not tough.
Sometimes we get afraid of things, but we can't admit it all the time.
Maybe like six, seven months ago,
I'm in my house and I'm on the second level.
My girlfriend's laying next to me asleep and I hear something downstairs on the front door.
Right?
Right.
So the first thing I do is I just pretend that I didn't hear it.
I was like, that's what sounded like.
Because I was scared.
But then I heard it again.
I said, babe, I said, wake up.
I said, wake up, wake up, wake up.
I said, dial 9-1-1 on your phone, get ready to hit send.
I'm going to go downstairs and check it out.
She was like, what?
I said, dial 9-1-1 on your phone, get ready to hit send.
I'm going to go downstairs and check it out.
She was like, I heard you.
I said, why you keep making me repeat myself?
She said, you make me repeat myself when I ask you stuff.
I said, are you really going to fight with me right now?
I'm under duress.
Somebody is breaking in right now.
She's like, calm down.
You do this all the time, because I do sometimes hear stuff at night sometimes, but only when she goes to sleep.
I'm like, I hear something, right?
The house can't keep settling.
What is it finally settled?
But I be hearing it.
I'm like, because I watch a lot of scary shows and somebody is in here this time.
Anyways, I'm telling my friend this story, and he's like, who wakes their girl up when they hear a noise?
Who wakes a woman up when they hear a noise?
And I was like, me.
I wake her up.
I said, women are equal, right?
Well, then help me.
I hate when I watch a movie and there's just a woman in the closet.
Get out the closet and help.
I'm fighting the intruder.
Help me.
We're equal in this, right?
Get out the closet and help, daddy.
I don't even have a 10-year-old, but if yours is visiting that day, for whatever reason, they're either going to die or be a hero, so they better come out and help.
It's not fair.
I don't like you get to hide in the closet.
If somebody breaks into my house and they put a gun in my mouth, they're like, what's your number to the state?
I'm going to be like, she's in the closet.
She has the other half of the combination.
Come on out, baby.
I can see your feet.
Seriously, come on out.
It's not fair.
Think about it like this, right?
As a man, if you hear a noise in the house and your woman is sleeping, you can go over and be like, babe, I hear a noise downstairs.
I'm going to go check it out.
She'll be like, okay, check it out and go back to sleep.
It can never work the other way around.
She can never come to you while you're sleeping like, honey, I hear a noise downstairs.
I'm going to go check it out.
She's born with a leg that's twisted in at birth.
It doesn't even matter.
She hears a noise.
She's like, babe, wake up.
You got to hop out of bed with that gimpy leg.
Hop over to your wheelchair.
Get in your wheelchair.
Roll over to the staircase.
Get out of your wheelchair.
Get into the other chair that takes you down the stairs.
Ooh.
The whole way down, the intruder's like, there he is.
Unbuckle that.
My friend was like, all right, man.
What the shenanigans?
Who was breaking in?
I was like, I didn't even want to tell him because I felt so stupid.
Here's the thing, right?
So we have two cats.
No, shut up, lady.
Let me tell you what happened.
I made soup that day, and the spoon from the soup was still on the stove.
And I was watching the cats.
They kept alternating and jumping on the stove and licking the spoon.
And every time they licked it, it would click off of the stove like click, click, click, right?
But when you're scared and you watch a lot of forensic file shows, it's not like somebody was breaking in is all I'm saying.
And I swear to you, to this day, she does not know.
I was so embarrassed.
I was like, babe.
She was like, what happened?
She's all awake now.
I was so embarrassed.
She was like, what happened?
I said, as soon as I got downstairs,
I heard her car peel off.
She was like, are you serious?
I said, yes, I'm serious.
I said, now lay down and relax.
Relax.
Now about those PlayStation games we was talking about.
You guys have been a lot of fun.
Thank you.