In today's video, we're going to be talking about disorganized attachment.

If you haven't checked out my other videos on attachment, including avoidant attachment and ambivalent attachment and what is attachment in general, please make sure you go to the Dr. Sia channel and check him out.

Let's get started.

All right, so let's talk about disorganized attachment.

Now, firstly, to learn about what attachment is, we have to understand what environment the child who does now, the adult who has disorganized attachment, what environment they were in as a child that made them develop a disorganized attachment.

Now, with the other attachments, secure, avoidant, and ambivalent, the child learns that there's a particular way that they can be to keep themselves safe, cared for, and alive.

So, with disorganized attachment though, there is no particular way that they could be to keep them safe.

So, their parents weren't consistently avoidant or consistently over-aroused or consistently safe, so the child couldn't really learn a singular method, if you will, of ensuring their own survival.

Their parents were so unpredictable, so abusive, so critical, and so loving, but then yet so punishing, so punishing yet so caretaking, that the child learned to constantly fear abandonment, to constantly crave love, and to constantly look out for danger.

When a person has disorganized attachment, anything good feels like they are over the moon, and anything bad feels like they're about to die.

So, with the disorganized attachment, the child learned to manage every single interaction that's happening, but also starting to manage interactions that are not even happening.

So the child learns to start mind-reading, predicting danger around the corner, seeing things that aren't really even there, just in case those things might turn out to be dangerous.

In this way, the person who has a disorganized attachment as an adult can turn out to be highly paranoid on the one hand, or extremely forgiving, overly forgiving on the other.

The person might be highly suspicious of another person's look, just because someone looked at them this way.

They might think that they're aggressive, or on the other hand, if someone just smiles at them on the street, they just walk around, the person goes, hey, they might think that that's their first love, and that's their final love, and that was love at first sight.

So again, they're constantly looking out for extremes.

People are either angels, or they're demons.

They are either all good, or they are all bad.

Now, a lot of people consider that disorganized attachment is equivalent to having borderline personality disorder, but that's not necessarily the case.

There are a lot of other fragile structures that also invite disorganized attachment.

So people with disorganized attachment are particularly susceptible to having something we call soft-coded schizophrenia, which basically means that it looks like the classic schizophrenia that you might have heard of, but it's actually only symptoms that happen when they get really anxious.

They may be particularly susceptible to post-traumatic stress disorder.

They may be particularly susceptible to abuse, to drug abuse, to self-harm, to suicide, to narcissistic personality disorder, to paranoid personality disorder, and so on and so on.

So people who have a disorganized attachment are so afraid of their environment, so afraid of abandonment, so afraid, but yet yearn so much to be loved that they cannot see that any real effort at love, any real chance they have of being loved is destroyed by their disorganized attachment, is interfered to by their disorganized attachment.

This attachment, the disorganized attachment, is no longer there for the adult to protect them.

Its purpose is no longer to protect them.

Its purpose as an adult is to provide them with signs and symptoms that there is danger around, that they may be a danger to themselves, that other people will be a danger to them too, and how it really, really ruins the life of a person with the disorganized attachment is that it doesn't really give you a good radar.

It's not a radar that can pick up wolves around the corner or snakes in suits.

It's not a radar that picks up really bad people and distances them from you.

It's an attachment that just says danger is everywhere.

So even when good people come around and just want to care for that person and just want to be nice, you know, just a normal person, maybe like yourself, just want to go and do something nice for them, their danger signals come up and they push you away.

So who then gets through this radar?

What kind of person gets through the radar of a person with a disorganized attachment?

More often than not, it's a person who themselves are really good at managing other people, manipulating other people, who knows exactly how to treat another person to get in even though everything says danger.

If you haven't thought about it already, we're talking about people who are snakes in suits.

We're talking about people who have psychopathic tendencies, people who have criminal tendencies, people who have tendencies for manipulation, people who have tendencies for abandonment, people who have tendencies for using other people.

These people in particular tend to be really good at working past that radar and getting in with a person who has a disorganized attachment.

So then what happens?

Through their relationships, those ideas that the world is a dangerous place get reconfirmed.

They get more hurt, they get more abused, they get more used, they get more mistreated.

That confirms their ideas that the world is a dangerous place and people are dangerous to them because all the people around them are either abusing them or about to abandon them.

And in this way, the attachment just stays true within the person saying, See, I'm protecting you.

I'm doing all these good things for you.

I'm telling you people are dangerous.

I told you to keep them out to begin with.

I told you.

And the person just keeps going on and on and on, believing that the attachment is keeping them safe.

Now this does so, this disorganized attachment does this from the dark.

It does this from the shadows.

It operates in the person's unconscious.

They don't make these choices.

They don't sit down and go, Yeah, today I'm going to choose to be a little bit unstable.

That's what I'm going to do today.

And I'm going to hurt myself today.

It's not a choice.

It happens automatically.

It happens instantaneously.

And it happens like all of their attachments when they are feeling the most hurt and their need, their self-control, their self-compassion, their self-ability to regulate the most.

That's when these disorganized attachments operate the most.

So you can see how hurtful that would be to a person.

Now, there's so much more I could say about disorganized attachment.

This is just a video where I'm introducing the topic.

I'm really keen to hear what you want to know about it.

So I'm not just making videos guessing what you all want to hear.

I would love to see you in the comments say, Can you say this about disorganized attachment?

Or what is this like for the person with disorganized attachment?

And my promise is I will make a video about it sooner or later.

Particularly in these days with COVID-19, I don't have much else to do.

I'm sitting at home basically thinking, How come people are not asking me to make more videos?

Even though they probably have nothing else to do either.

And I know there's things like Netflix and Disney Channel and whatever else.

And you all don't want to sit at home and just watch my face and learn about Disney.

Sorry, learn about Disney.

Learning about disorganized attachment all together all the time.

But now and again, you might pop your head back into these videos and you might learn something useful.

And how awesome would it be if that video is tailored to something that you asked and something you specifically wanted to know about.

So that's the offer I have.

And so what am I going to do now?

Now I am going to...

What should we all do?

Wow, it's really this whole COVID-19 thing, man.

Like the weather is beautiful.

There's so many things we could be doing.

But we just got to sort of sit at home and be careful and cautious and make sure we take care of each other by staying away from each other.

How odd is that?

How odd is that?

We're taking care of each other by staying away from each other.

Well, at least it means physically, not socially.

So I'm going to call a friend and have a chat.

And see if I can unboard myself.

Is anyone else bored?

I get bored these days.

Anyway, enough of me.

I'll see you next time.

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Bye.