Humans.

We're fine.

And Allen.

Come into my weird house.

Hi.

I'm Weird Barbie, I am in the splits, I have a funky haircut and I smell like basement.

Oh my god.

I had a weird Barbie.

Yeah, you did.

You make them weird by playing too hard.

It's cool.

That's Sugar Daddy Ken.

And you're in Magic Ken.

Mattel discontinued them.

Sugar Daddy?

No, no, no.

I'm not a sugar daddy, this is Sugar, and I'm her daddy.

And I have an earring.

A magic earring.

These were actual Kens.

More discontinued Barbies.

Growing up Skipper?

May I?

Okay.

Watch this.

Her boobs grow.

Why would they do that?

And Barbie Video Girl?

I have a TV in my back.

You know whose dream that is?

Nobody.

Nobody's dream.

And that's Barbie Barbie, of course.

She's not dead, she's just having an existential crisis.

Okay, come on.

Hey, what's wrong?

I'm not pretty anymore.

What, you're so pretty.

I'm not stereotypical Barbie pretty.

Note to the filmmakers, Margot Robbie is the wrong person to cast if you want to make this point.

You're beautiful.

It's not just that, I'm not smart enough to be interesting.

You're so smart.

I can't do brain surgery, I've never flown a plane.

I'm not the president.

No one on the Supreme Court is me, I'm not good enough for anything.

It is literally impossible to be a woman.

You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough.

Like.

We have to always be extraordinary.

But somehow we're always doing it wrong.

You have to be thin, but not too thin, and you can never say you want to be thin, you have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.

You have to have money, but you can't ask for money, because that's crass.

We have to be a boss, but you can't be mean.

You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.

You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.

You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining.

You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.

But always stand out and always be grateful, but never forget that the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that, but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear.

Never get out of line.

It's too hard.

It's too contradictory.

And nobody gives you a medal or says thank you.

And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired.

Of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.

And if all of that.

Is also true for a doll just representing a woman.

Wait, I did write a book.

It's like I've been in a dream where I was somehow really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League.

But what you said broke me out of it.

Really?

Yeah.

You're back, she's back.