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  • Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business

  • and life you love. And today I have a question for you. Do you ever wish that you were more

  • persuasive? Whether you wanna win over a customer service rep or maybe a new client or event

  • a significant other, being able to influence another person, of course in an honest, ethical

  • way, is a key to success and my guest today is gonna show us how.

  • Bob Burg is a best selling author and speaker on topics vital to the success of today’s

  • businessperson. Burg is a co-author ofThe Go-Giver,” “Go-Givers Sell More,” “It’s

  • Not About You,” andEndless Referrals.” Together his books have sold more than a million

  • copies. Bob believes his new book, “Adversaries into Allies: Win People Over Without Manipulation

  • or Coercion,” is by far his most important work yet.

  • Bob, thank you so much for being here on MarieTV. This is awesome.

  • Marie, I am honored. Thanks for having me.

  • So I have to say, you wrote one of my favorite books ever, “The Go-Giver.” And I just

  • really wanted to thank you for that because it made a huge difference in my personal life

  • and it so resonates with everything that I try and do for myself and everything that

  • we try and teach on MarieTV, which is to focus on giving rather than getting. So that was

  • just a little public acknowledgement and if you don't have this book, “The Go-Giver,”

  • you have to get yourself it now. But today were gonna focus on your other amazing

  • book, and I know you have more than 2, but today were going to focus onAdversaries

  • into Allies.” This is awesome. “How to Win People Over Without Manipulation or Coercion.”

  • Thank you.

  • Now, one of the things that struck me was that you make a real distinction between persuasion

  • and manipulation. Can you tell us what that is?

  • Yeah. And, you know, I made that point early because it’s a question that’s very natural.

  • When you think of influence, which is really in a sense what the book is about, influence

  • can be defined as simply the ability to move a person or persons to a desired action usually

  • within the context of a specific goal. You can do that one of two ways. You could do

  • it through manipulating another person or you can do it through persuading another person.

  • And really manipulation and persuasion are cousins. Now, one’s the evil cousin. Manipulation’s

  • the evil cousin.

  • The dark cousin.

  • Right. The dark cousin. And persuasion’s the good one. But, let’s face it, both the

  • manipulator and the persuader, they both understand human interaction. They both understand human

  • motivation. They understand what makes people tick and what makes people move to action.

  • Sobut there’s still a big difference and that’s the key. And obviously we don't

  • encourage people to manipulate, but rather to persuade. One of the best examples or explanations

  • of the two, the difference in the two, is from a gentleman by the name of Dr. Paul W.

  • Swets. He wrote a book back in 1986 entitled, “The Art of Talking So that People Will

  • Listen,” though it was much more about listening than it was about talking. And I thought his

  • explanation was great. According to Dr. Swets, manipulation aims at control, not cooperation.

  • It does not consider the good of the other party, it results in a win-lose situation.

  • In direct contrast to the manipulator, the persuader always seeks to enhance the self

  • esteem of the other party. The result is that people respond better because theyre treated

  • as responsible or response-able, self directing individuals. So it begins with intent but

  • that’s not where it ends. See, both the manipulator and the persuader can elicit immediate

  • action, but that’s where it ends because once you know youve been manipulated, Marie,

  • you will avoid that person. Youll do the best you can to resist that person. Even if

  • you have to work with that person, youll do something to not have to be involved in

  • some way. With a persuader though, that’s different. See, a persuadersee, a manipulator

  • is win at all costs. They may not want to hurt the other person, but if they have to

  • in order to get their way they will. Theyre very I focused or me focused. Not the case

  • with the persuader. For them to win the other person also has to win. So when youve been

  • persuaded you feel good about that person and youre more likely to buy into their

  • ideas again.

  • Yeah and I love that distinction also that it taps into feelings. It’s like how do

  • you feel when youre persuaded? Is it a win-win for both of you?

  • Exactly.

  • And I thought that wasit’s really important because, you know, one of the things that

  • weve discovered and what we do here on MarieTV and in our program B-School, so many

  • people associate sales and marketing or getting your product or your idea out into the world

  • with somehow being pushy or somehow being manipulative.

  • Just the opposite.

  • Exactly. And it’s just the opposite. And that’s why I was so excited to talk with

  • you today because I think this reframing of how to add value in other people’s lives

  • and whenever if we bump up against conflict, which were gonna talk about in a few minutes,

  • how do you deal with that in a way that’s empathetic and compassionate and that leaves

  • both people not only feeling great but it’s actually a true win win for both of them.

  • It is. And, Marie, so many people when they go into business and they do something they

  • love, they have a product or service they feel so good about and they know they can

  • add value to people’s lives. But they say, “Oh, but I don't wanna sell.” Why? Because

  • it’s how theyre defining selling. See, if you look at selling as something you do

  • to someone, if you define selling as trying to convince somebody to buy something they

  • don't want or need, who wants to do that? We couldn’t feel good about something like

  • that. Really all selling is at its veryat its basic is simply finding out what somebody

  • does want or need and helping them to get it.

  • Yeah.

  • That’s what it is. And when you look at it that way you can feel great about it because

  • you know youre providing a service to that person.

  • Absolutely. So let’s shift into the five principles that are really the core of the

  • book. So let’s start off with principle number one, which is all about being able

  • to be the master of our own emotions.

  • Exactly.

  • Yeah.

  • It’s control your own emotions. The sages of long ago asked who was a mighty person

  • and they answered, “That person who can control their own emotions and make of an

  • enemy or a potential enemy a friend.” It all begins with that because, see, until you

  • canit’s only when you can control your own emotions that youre able to take a

  • potentially negative situation or person and turn it into a win for everyone involved.

  • But why is that so difficult? Well, because were human beings.

  • Yeah.

  • And as human beings were emotional creatures. I would like to think were logical, and

  • to a certain extent we are, but really we are emotion driven. We make major decisions

  • based on emotion and we back up those emotional decisions with logic. We rationalize. And

  • if you take that word it means we tell ourselves rational lies and we do that in order to justify

  • that emotional decision. Well, there’s alsoemotion also comes into play when you just

  • feel lousy about something. Now, we know nobody can make us feel bad or angry or sad or mad,

  • but what they can do is they can either intentionally or usually unintentionally do things that

  • push our buttons and cause ourselves to become mad or angry or sad or what have you. And

  • when we allow ourself to be controlled by that we can’t be part of the solution by

  • the very nature of the thing. We become part of the problem and things don't work out.

  • This is not to say that we should forego our emotions. Emotions are a great part of life.

  • They make life joyous and worthwhile. But as one of my great mentors, Dandi Schumachi,

  • says, “By all means, take your emotions along for the ride but make sure you are driving

  • the car.”

  • I loved that when I read it in the book. It was so great. And I think it’s so important

  • to remember because in those situations where our buttons do get pressed it’s very easy,

  • especially in this world where we can text in a moment, we can reply on social media,

  • you can reply in email, and those things can’t be taken back. I mean, words can’t be taken

  • back. But I think it’s vital for this idea of turning adversaries or any kind of conflict,

  • someone that we have conflict with, into an ally, of being able to chill out for a minute

  • and not be driven by your emotions. So one ofan action strategy would be to just

  • Well, if you know that youre susceptible to this then what you wanna do is rehearse.

  • You know, imagine situations that you know that have happened in the past that could

  • happen again where your buttons could be pressed and see both results. I mean, see what it

  • would be like if you did what you usually do and that that’s probably not the result

  • you want and then imagine yourself just, as Zig Ziglar used to say, responding instead

  • of reacting. Really being in control of yourself, being calm, listening to that person first,

  • taking a moment to decide what to do and seeing it turn out beautifully. And it’s sort of

  • like a, and I use this analogy in the book, like an astronaut who’s going up into space.

  • Before they do he or she is going to do a lot of simulations, maybe hundreds of them,

  • so by the time they get up into space and something happens theyve already been there

  • and done that. And while it’s a little bit different certainly than actually doing it,

  • it’s not that much different. We know the mind can’t tell thethe subconscious

  • can’t tell the difference between what’s actually happened and what’s been suggested

  • to it. So if you see yourself doing it, if youre rehearsing this, if youre picturing

  • those wonderful results in your mind’s eye, then when the situation comes up youre

  • much more likely to do it. And when you do and you handle it beautifully, take pleasure

  • in that. Congratulate yourself. Know that if youve done it once you can do it every

  • time. But there’s one more thing though, and that’s to understand you probably won’t

  • do it right every time. At least I know I don't.

  • Oh, I don't either.

  • Yet in those times when we don't because were human and it’s gonna happen, we can feel

  • a little bad about it, but not too bad. Don't go intodon't go into a guilt trip about

  • it. Understand that youre human and youll have many chances to practice.

  • Yeah. I love that. I love the rehearsing bit. I know one thing that always works for me,

  • weve talked a lot about it on the show, is like taking a time out. Like, if you feel

  • yourself emotionally charged by something that’s come in and you don't have to respond

  • right away

  • Right.

  • ...to give yourself a little bit of a cooling off period so you can clear out and then,

  • you know, think

  • Very important.

  • Yeah. A little more empathetically. So let’s move on. What’s principle number two?

  • That is to understand the clash of belief systems, and this is so very key. What is

  • a belief? Well, a belief really is a subjective truth. It’s the truth as we understand the

  • truth to be, which doesn't mean it’s the truth. That means it’s our truth.

  • Our truth.

  • Right. Now, our truth might be the truth, but it’s not necessarily and it’s probably

  • so far less than what we think.

  • Right.

  • Well, you know, we have our truths, our truths are a result of our belief systems. I call

  • it an operating system. And it’s an unconscious operating system. Were not even aware of

  • it. Our beliefs are a combination of upbringing, environments, schooling, news media, television

  • shows, movies, popular culture, cultural mores, everyall the associations we have. And

  • it’s pretty muchthe interesting thing about it, it’s pretty much set in place

  • by the time were little more than toddlers. And at that point everything new that comes

  • into that belief system tends to build on that foundation or that premise. So people

  • grow up with a particular belief system not even realizing it. Thinking, saying, doing

  • things based on those beliefs and they live their entire life doing that. Well, we have

  • to also understand that this other person with whom were about to have a potentially

  • difficult personalinterpersonal transaction, theyre a victim of their, and when I say

  • victim I don't mean victim mentality, I mean

  • No, of course.

  • ...it’s… it’s just unconscious and it’s just how most of us are. That they also live

  • according to their belief systems and theyre unconscious about it and that’s where a

  • clash can really occur. And as human beings we tend to think that everybody else sees

  • the world as we see the world. How could it be anything else? That’s how we see the

  • world, which is why you hear people say things like, “Oh, everybody feels that way.”

  • Or, “Oh, nobody likes that.” Or if youve ever said, I know I have certainly, “Oh,

  • I would never say that to someone.” Right?

  • Of course.

  • Because that’s our belief. No we wouldn’t, but they would. They come from a different

  • belief system. So what we need to do, Marie, is not necessarily understand that person’s

  • belief system. They probably don't understand their own belief system. What we need to do

  • is simply understand that the two of us, that we see the world from two different models

  • or paradigms or viewpoints, belief systems. And as long as we understand that and we respect

  • that, now we can create the context for a mutual win win.

  • That’s awesome and it’s just really that awareness that can, I know for me

  • Absolutely.

  • ...disable that immediate maybe reaction or fight that wants to come up and like, “What

  • are they thinking? Why don't they get it?” And I loved that about your book that it just

  • starts to set that frame for more empathetic, compassionate, kind interaction.

  • Yeah. And it allows us to not take things personally and to personalize things. One

  • of the best books ever written on that topic was by Don Miguel Ruiz, “The Four Agreements.”

  • Yes.

  • And when he talked about the agreements of the world, which I call belief systems, he

  • also showed why we really don't have to take things personally. It isn’t about us. It

  • all has to do with that unconscious way that that person sees the world and so forth. And

  • so, you know, whenever I find myself taking things personally, I still go to that chapter

  • in the book.

  • Me too. For sure. Ok, so moving on to principle number three, acknowledging their ego.

  • Yeah. And, you know, I say acknowledge their ego not ours because we don't have one.

  • Yeah, right.

  • No, we obviously, we have to acknowledge ours too. We have to be aware of it. And what’s

  • interesting is the ego itself, and we tend to especially in the personal development

  • Community?

  • ...community if you will, we tend to say, “Oh, everything about the ego is bad.”

  • Not necessarily. The ego just is. The ego is the I. Literally that’s what the ego

  • is. It’s that sense of self that realizes we are a distinct human being separate from

  • other human beings. And, you know, that’s a little politically incorrectincorrect

  • to say. You know, separate from other…? What? Well, we are.

  • Yeah.

  • Now, don't getwere part of the whole universal consciousness and we learned that

  • back from Napoleon Hill and certainly quantum physics and the vibrations and theyre in

  • tuneof course. Were partbut you know what? In our earthly human existence

  • Yes.

  • ...we operate as individuals. We seek our own sense of happiness and we have our own

  • individual values and so forth. And so we do operate that way. And the ego, when channeled

  • and controlled, can help us accomplish great things for ourselves and for the community

  • as a whole. But when it gets away from us and were not in control, that’s… now,

  • that’s a different thing. So when I say acknowledge their ego, it’s because we need

  • to understand that if that person is acting in any way that’s counterproductive, unhelpful,

  • even if it’s not benefitting them, but there’s a… you can tell there’s a real emotional

  • thing there, there’s a good chance their ego has taken over.

  • And what do you suggest about acknowledging it? Like, is it just really letting that person

  • feel heard, feel seen?

  • Yeah. I mean, when I say acknowledge it I wouldn’t say, “Hey, pal. Your ego.”

  • You know. “It’s getting away from you.” No. Don't do that. That would bethat would

  • have the opposite effect.

  • Yeah.

  • No, I just mean acknowledge it to yourself, but that’s probably happening. And then

  • when we go into, you knowfirst, of course, we have to respond as opposed to react, being

  • in control of ourselves. We have to understand that ego is part of their belief system that’s

  • being run. Were also gonna talk about, when we talk about setting the frame intact.

  • That all has to do with that person’s ego because, you know, their ego will come into

  • play. And when we talk about being able to influence or gently persuade someone, a lot

  • of that comes down to how you make that person feel. If you can help them to feel genuinely

  • good about themselves and about you and about the situation, you have a lot better chance

  • of that win win taking place.

  • Yeah. And I think were getting onto principle 4, which is one of my favorites, about setting

  • the frame. What does that phrase mean?

  • Well, a frame itself is simply the foundation from which everything else takes place. In

  • the book I tell a story about a little boy in a Dunkin Donuts store and he was walking

  • around the store and he started to walk towards his parents when all of a sudden he took a

  • spill on the floor. He fell to the floor. Now, he didn't hurt himself and you could

  • tell, but you could tell by histhe look on his face he was kinda shocked. I mean,

  • he intuitively knew that was not supposed to happen and he right away, of course, looked

  • at his mom and dad to get their response. See, he was looking for their interpretation

  • of the event. What happened happened. He wanted to know, ok mom and dad, what’s next?

  • Right.

  • Ok. And I really believe, Marie, that had the parents kinda panicked or gotten alarmed

  • or, you know, “Oh, no. Are you alright my poor…?” I think he wouldve started

  • to cry. But they handled it beautifully. And they, you know, they smiled and they applauded

  • and they said, “Oh, that was such a good trick. That looks like so much fun,” and

  • all of a sudden he broke out into this big grin and he’s laughing. And what the parents

  • did is they set a very productive frame from which he could operate. And it’s the same

  • thing when we meet someone and whether it’s by the smile or the way we say hello or by

  • our body language, making them feel welcome or by the words we say, it’s really helping

  • them to see that theyre in a… not in an adversarial relationship but one in which

  • the two of you together in which theyre welcome and so forth. You know what’s important

  • though also? To be able to reset someone else’s already negative frame. Because it’s one

  • thing to set the frame when no frame has been set, but what if that person has, you know,

  • come into the situation already angry or, you know, sort of win lose in nature and so

  • forth. And that’s where weve got to be able toit’s sort of like you try to

  • check into a hotel early and the person’s quoting the rules and, “There’s no check

  • in before this and that.” And youre not gonna get anywhere there so maybe you very

  • politely ask to speak to the supervisor, he goes back there and says, “Oh, there’s

  • a customer out there who wants to check in early.” Well, this supervisor has been in

  • the business 10 years, hates his job, has to deal with people 10 times a day who do

  • that or are gonna argue it. So he kinda has his game face on and he knows he has to be

  • polite but he’s ready to quote the rulebook. And he comes out with that look on his face.

  • Now, most people, that’s a frame of confrontation.

  • Yeah.

  • And most people would react to that and they’d say, “Well, I wanna get in early. I travel

  • this… I stay at this hotel all the time.” And then you may get in, may not. They may

  • be sabotaging your entire stay, youre giving yourself an ulcer, and sobut what if instead

  • what you do is you reset the frame? You have a smile on your face, youyou have your

  • hand out, you take a couple of steps. “Hi, Mr. Davis. Bob Burg. Thank you so much for

  • taking time to come out and see me. I know youre very busy.” Well, boom. Youve

  • just now reset the frame from a problem customer, problem guest, to one that this person will

  • go out of his way to please because youre the type of guest they want to have with them.

  • Yeah. So principle number five, and this is obviously where all of it comes together.

  • Communicating with empathy and tact. How do we do that?

  • You know? Marie, that isthat is so key. You know, with tact I’m reminded of Les

  • Giblin who wrote the great bookHow to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with

  • People,” and he wrote what counts is attaining satisfaction without trampling upon the egos

  • of those we deal with. And so we see that tact is really connected to ego, which is

  • connected to feelings or controlling emotions and so forth. And my dad has always defined

  • tact as the language of strength. And, you know, I see tact as… I really look at tact

  • as a way to be able toto teach someone, to be able to correct someone, to critique

  • someone, dare I say constructively criticize someone. Not that we ever want to do any of

  • those. Of course we don't. But there are times we have to. Were talking about the real

  • world, not a fantasy world.

  • Right.

  • And there are times people do things that weve got to be able to teach but we need

  • to do it in a way that not only is that person not defensive and resistant to that, but theyre

  • open, theyre accepting of both us and the idea, and that’s really what tact allows

  • us to do. It’s thinking before saying something. It’s saying to yourself, “Hey, you know,

  • how is this person? How is this gonna make this person feel?”

  • Yeah.

  • It’s, you know, and so there’s a lot of power. Now, with that, now empathy really

  • is a… is a very legitimate part of that because when were empatheticempathy

  • by definition is simply the identification with or vicarious experiencing of another

  • person’s feelings. Which sounds like a fancy way of saying, well, you know, putting yourself

  • in the other person's shoes. And it would be except most of us have different size feet.

  • In other words, we have different belief systems. We come from different ways of seeing the

  • world and we don't always know what that person’s feeling. Now, when we do, when we have enough

  • of a closeness and experience that we can understand, great. Communicate you understand

  • howbut, you know, sometimes empathy isn’t so much understanding howcommunicating

  • that you understand how they feel as much as communicating that you understand theyre

  • feeling something. And that this something is distressful to them and that youre there

  • to help them the best way you can.

  • Yeah. That’s brilliant. And I know you havewell, one of the challenge all of us can come

  • up against is when people request something of our time or they want us to participate

  • in something and it’s really not our truth that we want to do it. And weve talked

  • about this many times on MarieTV is different ways to say no, and I think you have one of

  • the most brilliant. Do you want to share that with us?

  • Thank you. I… I really feel strongly about this because wewe all get asked to do

  • things that, like you said, weyou know, sometimes just don't wanna do it.

  • Yeah.

  • And, you know, Adversaries and Allies is not about being self sacrificial, it’s not about

  • being a doormat, it’s not aboutit’s being able to, well, to attain satisfaction,

  • to be able to get the results you want while helping everyone feel good about themselves.

  • And we need to be able to say no sometimes but we need to do it in a way that’s respectful,

  • kind, tactful. You know, when we talk about saying no there’s all sorts of advice around

  • and I certainly don't want to disrespect anyone’s advice and everyone is entitled to that, but

  • I think that there are certain things that are more productive than other things.

  • Yeah.

  • I often hear the kind ofthe advice that’s going around a lot now is, “No is a complete

  • sentence.” You know, just, you know, to just tell people no and that’s it. And I’ve

  • seen that teaching at seminars and I’ve seen people nodding their heads and empowered,

  • you know, agreement. “Yeah. Ok, from now on that’s just what I’m gonna do. I’m

  • gonna tell people no.” Is that really what youre gonna do? Are you really gonna rudely

  • say to somebody, “No,” or, “No, I don't want to.” Well, first of all, it’s just

  • not a nice thing to do. Secondly, youre turning an ally into a potential adversary.

  • Youre also closing any potential partnerships or ventures or anything with that person.

  • But the biggest reason for not saying no like that, Marie, is because it’s not congruent

  • with your values of treating people with respect. So I think there’s a better way. Now, we

  • also hear people say, “Well, just kinda make up an excuse so that you don't hurt the

  • person’s feelings.” So the person asks you to serve on a committee that you just

  • don't wanna serve on. So you say, “Well, you know, I would but I just don't have time

  • right now.” Well, there’s a couple of problems with that. One, it’s sort of a

  • fib because it’s not that you don't have time, it’s that you don't have the desire

  • to do it. You don't value doing the thing as much as you value not doing the thing.

  • Ok, so really it’s not that you don't have time. The other challenge is that this person’s

  • probably heard others say, “I don't have time,” so they have a response to it. So

  • when they very compellingly explain why time is not an issue now you either have to come

  • clean and say, “Well, it’s not that I don't really have time it’s that I really

  • just don't wanna do it.” So youve had to admit that you fibbed, they don't respect

  • you, you feel kind of, technical term here, yucky and so forth. But thenor the other

  • thing, the other option is in order to save face, what do you do? You take the give, you

  • do the thing you don't wanna do, and there’s really nothing good about that either. So

  • there’s a way we can say no that respects the other person and honors our own boundaries

  • and so forth, and it’s simply like this. Again, let’s take the example of a committee

  • that youre asked to serve on. And, again, it’s not an outlandish question, it’s

  • just not something you wanna do. So you simply say to that person, “Thank you so much for

  • asking. While it’s not something I’d like to do, please know how honored I am to be

  • asked.”

  • That’s good.

  • That’s really all it is. So youre thanking that person, youre letting them know it’s

  • an honor, so youre respecting them, but youre not making an excuse they can grab

  • onto. It’s simply, “Thank you so much for asking. While it’s not something I’d

  • like to do, please know how honored I am to be asked.”

  • That whole, “While it’s not something I’d like to do,” that’s a nice turn

  • of phrase there, Bob.”

  • Thank you.

  • Good work.

  • And, you know, there’s always that situation where that person might still kinda try to

  • compel you to do it.

  • Sure.

  • Especially if youve set yourself up as someone who can be

  • Helpful.

  • Right. And so they say, “Oh, but we really, you know, really need you to do it. Please.”

  • And you just simply without defensiveness, without emotion other than kindness, you

  • but with no defensiveness type of emotion, you simply say, “I’d rather not. But thank

  • you so much for asking. I’m really honored to be asked.”

  • I’d rather not

  • And you just do that and do it with calmness and be ready toand what youll do is

  • youll sort of retrain or reteach that person that they can always ask you, there’s nothing

  • wrong with asking you, but when you say no, you say no and that’s it.

  • Yeah, that’s a good one. That’s a really, really good one and I think for many of us

  • when you feel put on the spot about something and you don't have a go to phrase that feels

  • good from the inside out and that really respects the other person, that’s where we can get

  • into trouble, so that’s awesome.

  • And also, remember, rehearse that. So don't wait until it happens. You know, rehearse

  • it, see yourself doing that. And your words might be a bit different than mine.

  • Sure.

  • You might say something like, “Choose to do,” instead ofor what have you.

  • Yeah.

  • But rehearse how youre gonna do it so when it happens, youre ready.

  • Yeah. It’s ready to roll off the tongue. So the last thing I wanna ask you before we

  • wrap up is you said there’s a question that you can ask that pretty much guarantees you

  • can keep potential misunderstandings from ever actually taking place. What’s that

  • question?

  • Yeah. It’s actually, it’s very simple and it has to do, again, with belief systems

  • that peoplethat we might use a term or say a word and words have different meanings

  • anyway, never mind the way we look at certain words orare different. And so what were

  • gonna do is just ask the person to clarify. For example, let’s say the project manager

  • comes in to the team and says, you know, “The client says there’s been a change and we

  • need to have this done as soon as possible.” Ok? Now, one person on the team, what does

  • as soon as possible really mean?

  • Ambiguous.

  • Exactly. To one person it means you pull an all nighter, you don't go to your daughter’s

  • soccer game, you sacrifice that and youthe other person, they come from a company

  • where as soon as possible means, “Oh, when you get around to it.” The other one, as

  • soon as possible means as soon as this project’s done. Right? And so one person does this and

  • the other person doesso instead in order to make sure this misunderstanding doesn't

  • happen, you very tactfully say to the project manager, you know, “Pat, just for my own

  • clarification, when you say, ‘As soon as possible,’ is there a specific day or what

  • time youre thinking of?” Boom.

  • Yeah.

  • And so now when we say, “Just for my own clarification,” that’s what I call a lead

  • in phrase that sort of softens it a little bit so were a little more tactful about

  • it. You know, “What do you mean…?” You know? Instead it’s, you know, “Just for

  • my own clarification, you know, when you say, ‘As soon as possible,’ is there a specific

  • day or time?” “Oh, yeah. Well, it’s end of day Wednesday by 5 o’clock,” and

  • now we know. So it’s the same as asking somebody just to define that term when they

  • say, you know, “When you say, you know, X…”

  • What do you mean?

  • “...what, yeah, what exactly do you mean? Or what do you mean?” Or just anything like

  • that. And it’s the same when were the one communicating. So when we say, “It needs

  • to be done as soon as possible,” and really that means end of day Wednesday by 5 o’clock

  • we need to have it done. That way it’s clarified and so there’s nono misunderstanding

  • that takes place.

  • Yeah. I actually have to train myself to do that a lot and as our team grows internally

  • and we work with more people we do it all the time. Because you get so comfortable with

  • people that you like and

  • Right.

  • ...and then youre like, oh, you get so excited about a project. But even when it

  • comes down to things like design, you know, “Oh, I want this to be more edgy. I want

  • this to be more clean.” It’s like what the hell does that mean? Unless you can have

  • some clear parameters or examples to show people. It really does. I love that. That’s

  • so genius.

  • Thank you.

  • Bob, youre fantastic. I really appreciate you coming on today.

  • Thank you, my pleasure.

  • This book is wonderful. One of the other things that I love about this book is that especially

  • as you get through the principles and things start to come to life it’s like you give

  • so many great tips in very short form. And really things that you can apply to everyday

  • life and I just felt more empowered. Because for me, a lot of this stuff comes naturally

  • but there’s always problem points in my life where I feel like, “Gosh, I know I

  • could have handled that better. I wouldve loved to be able to handle that better and

  • now I feel equipped to do so.”

  • Wow, well I take that as a great compliment. I love the work you do and MarieTV is just

  • wonderful and certainly your B-School is making such a huge, huge difference in the world,

  • so thank you for all youre doing.

  • Thank you. Now Bob and I have a challenge for you. So we would love to know which of

  • the five influence principles do you need to focus on most in your own life? Now, as

  • always, the best conversations happen after the episode over at MarieForleo.com, so go

  • there and leave a comment now. Did you like this video? If so, subscribe to our channel

  • and, of course, share it with all of your friends. And if you want even more resources

  • to create a business and life that you love, plus some personal insights from me that I

  • only share in email, come on over to MarieForleo.com and sign up for email updates. Stay on your

  • game and keep going for your dreams because the world needs that special gift that only

  • you have. Thank you so much for watching and I’ll catch you next time on MarieTV.

Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business

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