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  • VLADIMIR: All my life I've wanted

  • to fit in, to be ordinary.

  • So I thought moving to a new town

  • would be my chance, my chance to be normal.

  • But I was forgetting one little thing.

  • I'm a vampire.

  • -I'm we should have taken a left back there.

  • -Can you stop breathing in my face?

  • You can't have brushed your teeth for weeks.

  • Am I the only one gagging here?

  • I can't believe we have to speak this stupid language.

  • -We've got to keep a low profile.

  • -And why did we have to move anyway?

  • -Please be quiet, Mistress Ingrid.

  • I'm trying to read the map.

  • -Don't tell me to be quiet, insect biter.

  • -All right.

  • That is it.

  • -Don't you touch me, you fungus.

  • -Brat.

  • -Creep.

  • RENFIELD: Witch.

  • INGRID: Pus face.

  • VLAD: Turn right.

  • RENFIELD: Can't do it.

  • Crescent freak.

  • Fart breath.

  • INGRID: Spider licker.

  • -Scab picker.

  • -Snot eater.

  • COUNT DRACULA: (ANGRILY) Renfield!

  • What exactly is going on?

  • -Sorry for disturbing you, Master.

  • -Silence!

  • -Ingrid wants Renfield to turn the hearse

  • around and go back to Transylvania.

  • -Oh, you do, do we now?

  • And what about the angry torch-wielding

  • Tryansylvanian peasant mob, hm?

  • Would you like to go back to them, too?

  • [angry yelling]

  • -Yeah, well, better going back to face

  • them than living in this dump.

  • I mean, look at it.

  • It's so normal.

  • -Normal.

  • That's just what I was thinking.

  • ELIZABETH: Robin!

  • Robin!

  • Robin!

  • -Face it, mum.

  • You did a good job with me and Paul.

  • -And me.

  • -Three out of four ain't bad.

  • -It's just unfortunate you also had a weirdo goth child.

  • -Ian, this isn't funny.

  • He hasn't come out of his room all morning.

  • -PAUL: And that's a bad thing?

  • -If he doesn't come out, no one's going camping.

  • -Hey, nut job!

  • Open up!

  • -Ah!

  • RENFIELD: Can I proceed now, Master?

  • -Yes, yes.

  • -Good.

  • It smells like a zombie's armpit in here.

  • I thought so.

  • It's Vlad's stupid stuffed dog.

  • -Hey, he's not a dog.

  • He's a wolf.

  • And he doesn't smell.

  • -Well, actually, Master Vlad, I do smell a bit.

  • My sawdust seems to have got a little damp in transit.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Renfield, drive.

  • What is that?

  • -Home sweet home.

  • Maybe Dad should go on a diet.

  • COUNT DRACULA: I heard that.

  • Well, here we are at last.

  • Hmm.

  • It's not exactly what I was expecting.

  • I mean, where are the cobwebs?

  • The damp?

  • The rotting corpses?

  • -Look, Dad, you just said find a castle.

  • It was the best I could find on the internet at short notice.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Well, I suppose I might feel

  • better when I've had someone to eat.

  • -All right.

  • I'll get my things.

  • Bagsie the tower room.

  • INGRID: Uhh, I don't think so.

  • I'm the eldest.

  • I'm having that one.

  • -But I called it.

  • -When?

  • VLAD: In the hearse.

  • -Right.

  • Well, I called it before you were born.

  • So kiss my cape.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Please, this is very simple.

  • Vladimir will have the room.

  • -Brilliant.

  • Oh, Ingrid, I do believe you were about to chew on that.

  • -This is because he's your favorite, isn't it?

  • -Yes, that's right.

  • INGRID: I hate you more than garlic.

  • COUNT DRACULA: She is so much like her mother.

  • Ugh.

  • In the attic.

  • RENFIELD: Yes, Master.

  • -Behind some boxes.

  • RENFIELD: Yes, Master.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Under a sheet.

  • -Thanks, dad.

  • -Oh, Vladimir.

  • There's no need to thank me.

  • You are the son and heir of the Dracula family.

  • So you're right, you should have the best room.

  • -Well, actually, I only wanted the tower room

  • because I thought I might get a TV,

  • and the reception is better up there.

  • -Arrgh!

  • [low rumbling noise] -Time to meet the neighbors.

  • -Not juicy enough, go away.

  • -A TV?

  • A TV?

  • If you want to see moving pictures,

  • Vladimir, run around the portrait gallery.

  • Does he think he's living in the 19th century?

  • ZOLTAN: Of course not, Master Vladimir,

  • the Count thinks he's living in the 17th century.

  • He's a few hundred years behind everyone else.

  • -I hate being a vampire.

  • It really sucks.

  • -Hmm, isn't that rather the point?

  • -I just hoped this move will be a new start for us,

  • you know, a chance to be a bit less--

  • -Vampiric?

  • -Exactly.

  • Come on.

  • Take a look at this.

  • See?

  • Semi-detached houses, streetlights, a newsagent,

  • a golf course, it's all so normal.

  • Right.

  • New life, new neighborhood.

  • Time to check 'em both out.

  • ZOLTAN: But Vladimir, your father

  • has forbidden us from leaving the castle.

  • We need to keep a low profile.

  • -Zoltan, I'm a preteen vampire.

  • That means I've got the reflexes of a night hunter combined

  • with the incredible ability to sneak

  • up behind my parents' back.

  • [sighing]

  • -Mmm.

  • Ingrid.

  • How's the grand sulk going?

  • -I've decided I'm going to go live with mum.

  • -Ingrid.

  • Your mother's dead.

  • -You're dead.

  • We're all dead.

  • -Still can't go and live with her.

  • -You're just mad because she left you for a werewolf.

  • -She did not leave me for a werewolf.

  • We mutually agreed to separate.

  • -After she met a werewolf.

  • -Vladimir keeps the room.

  • It's his birthright.

  • -And what's my birthright?

  • -I don't know.

  • Cleaning my capes?

  • Housework?

  • Something like that.

  • I haven't really given it much thought.

  • -I hope you get some really painful

  • splinters from your coffin.

  • -Ah!

  • -Renfield.

  • My stomach tells me it's lunch time.

  • Time to sample a local peasant.

  • -Now, Master, promise you won't be angry.

  • -No, I like being angry.

  • -Promise you won't hurt me.

  • -Again, not a commitment I feel I can make.

  • -We, um, we may have a food problem.

  • -What sort of problem?

  • RENFIELD: Sort of, we don't have any problem.

  • -(ANGRILY) What do you mean?

  • -I thought you wanted to keep a low profile

  • so I turned a peasant away.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Arrgh!

  • RENFIELD: And what with the driving and map reading

  • and the cobweb hanging, I didn't have time

  • to stock up with any fresh blood.

  • -Two weeks from Transylvania and all I've had to eat

  • is some black pudding in a motorway services.

  • It's not good enough.

  • I need a juicy peasant or at least a steak!

  • -Steak?

  • -Hmm.

  • Extremely rare.

  • RENFIELD: Don't worry, Master.

  • I'll think of something.

  • -Going somewhere?

  • -Yeah, just popping out.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Ow, ow ow, ow!

  • You're not going anywhere, young vampire.

  • Go to your room.

  • -But Dad.

  • -Ooh.

  • Ah!

  • -You know which room is yours, don't you?

  • It's the one that should be mine.

  • RENFIELD: I'm coming, Master!

  • -I hate sunlight.

  • -(SINGING) We're all going on a camping holiday.

  • Just some tent pegs and a rope or two.

  • -Dad, you're making strange noises again.

  • -It's called singing, Robin, people

  • do it when they're in a good mood.

  • Oh, sorry, good mood, I hope I'm not confusing you

  • with my complicated technical jargon.

  • -Ha-ha.

  • Small drama inside, we're out of Kendal mint cake.

  • -What?

  • We can't have a Branagh family camping

  • expedition without Kendal mint cake.

  • This is a disaster.

  • Elizabeth!

  • -I wish they'd do

  • -I'm disappointed in you, son.

  • I mean, where's this bad attitude coming from?

  • The cheeriness, the- the optimism.

  • Ugh, love of the outdoors.

  • -Dad.

  • COUNT DRACULA: And the clothes you wear-- why?

  • Why the bright colors?

  • Make my eyes hurt.

  • -It's what kids wear.

  • -Well, not my kids.

  • Vladi, come stand here.

  • This is what we are, son, we're vampires.

  • What are we?

  • -Vampires.

  • -There's no escaping that.

  • You know, in a few years you'll come into your full powers

  • and your reflection, like mine, will disappear.

  • Now, I am going to sort out the food situation.

  • -Can't we have something normal, like a hamburger?

  • -Oh.

  • A person from Hamburg.

  • -No!

  • -Vampires.

  • You can't escape it.

  • It's your destiny.

  • Hehe.

  • [door closing]

  • -Oh, great.

  • -Ah!

  • Cool.

  • -OK.

  • No cape.

  • This is serious.

  • If I wasn't already undead I'd be dead.

  • -Look, Master Vlad.

  • -Shh.

  • ELIZABETH: Looks like someone's moved into the castle.

  • -You'd have to be pretty weird to want to live there.

  • -Mum, we can't find Robin anywhere.

  • -Where could the weirdo have got to?

  • -OK.

  • I'll go and get him.

  • -Ahhh!

  • -I got you!

  • -Thanks.

  • -Who are you?

  • -What a good time to have a discussion.

  • -You rang?

  • -Sorry to bother you.

  • RENFIELD: Have you come to donate blood?

  • -GRAHAM: What?

  • RENFIELD: The sign.

  • You going to donate blood?

  • GRAHAM: No.

  • Look--

  • RENFIELD: It's for a good cause.

  • GRAHAM: What cause?

  • -Lunch

  • GRAHAM: No.

  • I'm here because-- did you just say lunch?

  • -Uhh, no, got a cough.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Who is it?

  • -Some local peasant, Master.

  • -I beg your pardon?

  • -Oh, well done Renfield.

  • So nice to see you, peasant.

  • Do come in.

  • -OK.

  • But first, I'm not a peasant.

  • And can you stop staring at me like that?

  • -Like what?

  • -You sure you haven't come to donate blood?

  • -Yes.

  • -Oh, just flirting with us, were you?

  • Well, sling your hook.

  • -Sling your hook?

  • That was a 10 pint delivery.

  • -He said he didn't want to give blood.

  • Ah!

  • -They never want to give blood.

  • That's why I've got these.

  • Aaaghh!

  • -This is like a horror film.

  • You know, one by one up to the castle never to return?

  • -Though he is going to return, isn't he?

  • -He's probably talking to them about the plumbing,

  • you know what he's like.

  • Maybe someone should go up and get him.

  • She can't go by herself.

  • -Right.

  • Oh, you mean us.

  • Come on, Paul.

  • -Shall I bite him, Master?

  • -Not yet.

  • INGRID: Right, Vlad, you rancid little worm.

  • -Quick!

  • Hide, hide!

  • INGRID: Ah!

  • Here you are in my room.

  • -It's not your room.

  • [sniffing]

  • -What's that smell?

  • VLAD: Smell?

  • What smell?

  • Can you smell a smell, Zoltan?

  • -No, Master Vlad.

  • Only your sister's cheap perfume.

  • -Shut it, four wheels.

  • I can smell something different, something rather, uhh, aha!

  • VLAD: No!

  • -I can't wait to tell Dad about this.

  • -I can explain.

  • INGRID: Oh yeah.

  • -Climbed in through the window, nothing to do with me.

  • -A massive pile of dirty laundry climbed in through the window.

  • -What?

  • -Where'd he go?

  • INGRID: Who?

  • The dirty sock fairy?

  • -Uhh, yeah.

  • INGRID: You're such a loser.

  • VLAD: Zoltan, did you see where that boy went?

  • ZOLTAN: Unfortunately, I was distracted

  • by the sawdust running down my left side.

  • -We better find him before Dad does.

  • -Please, Master, take it out.

  • No, Renfield.

  • COUNT DRACULA: It's important that you

  • know why you are being punished.

  • RENFIELD: Is it because I smell?

  • -No.

  • Well you do, but no, that's not the reason.

  • -Is it because I picked m nose and ate it?

  • -No.

  • RENFIELD: After going to the loo without washing my hands?

  • -No.

  • Ughh.

  • But no.

  • The reason you're being punished is because I'm hungry!

  • In fact I'm starving and when I'm starving I get nasty.

  • -And that's what you put a tarantula down my shirt?

  • -Correct.

  • And also because I like watching you squirm.

  • -Ah.

  • Ahh, I think she's just gone down my trousers.

  • -Shh.

  • Quiet.

  • I sense an intruder.

  • There is a human in the castle.

  • -A human, Master?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Yes.

  • Well a human who doesn't smell of mouse droppings.

  • [sniffing]

  • COUNT DRACULA: Mmm.

  • I smell young blood.

  • Right.

  • Where are you?

  • Hmm?

  • So close.

  • So very close.

  • Heh heh.

  • Come to Daddy.

  • VLAD: Daddy?

  • Can I have a word?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Not you.

  • I'm trying to find dinner!

  • VLAD: Well, it's just I think I've got my first fang.

  • -A fang?

  • Oh my boy!

  • Let me have a look.

  • Hmm.

  • I can't see anything.

  • Never mind, my favorite child.

  • INGRID: Nurture him why don't you?

  • You just hate me because I'm a girl.

  • COUNT DRACULA: No.

  • I hate you because you're really annoying.

  • -Oops.

  • INGRID: Right.

  • [squishing]

  • -Oh, Master.

  • I've sat on your tarantula.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Imelda!

  • No!

  • -(WHISPERING) Come on.

  • [whimpering]

  • -Imelda!

  • -If it's any consolation, Master,

  • she wouldn't have felt a thing.

  • -Except your huge bottom squishing her.

  • -(SARCASTICALLY) Hello, we haven't been

  • properly introduced.

  • My name's Vlad.

  • And, oh, you must be the kid who just climbed in

  • through my window and started wandering around.

  • -Robin.

  • I brought your cloak back.

  • -Oh, thanks.

  • What are you doing?

  • -Aren't you going to bite me?

  • -Bite you?

  • Why would I want to bite you?

  • -You can if you want.

  • -No!

  • -Oh, OK.

  • -You're lucky my dad didn't find you.

  • You've got no idea what he's capable of.

  • ROBIN: I know exactly what he's capable of.

  • You're vampires, aren't you?

  • -Haha.

  • Don't be ridiculous.

  • What a silly idea.

  • -Talking wolf?

  • Blood thirsty dad?

  • First fang?

  • -Oh bats, I knew this would happen.

  • Please don't get an angry mob and drive us out of town.

  • -I think you're underestimating suburban apathy.

  • Anyway, vampires are awesome.

  • VLAD: Awesome?

  • -I know everything there is to know about them.

  • Or at least I thought I did.

  • How come you got a reflection?

  • -Well, we don't come into our full powers

  • until our sixteenth birthday.

  • So I've got a reflection.

  • I can't turn into a bat and I don't bite people.

  • -Really?

  • -I don't get burnt by sunlight and I

  • have no adversary reaction to garlic either.

  • -You know, for my first vampire, you're not

  • coming across as very--

  • -Vampiric?

  • Can I say for my first normal kid

  • you're not coming across very--

  • -Normal?

  • INGRID: First fang?

  • You scrawny little scab.

  • Talking to yourself, you little freak?

  • -My darling sister, how nice of you

  • to rudely walk in without knocking.

  • -Stick a stake in it.

  • [sniffing]

  • -Ahh, yes, my socks.

  • How did that get there?

  • -Hello.

  • -What are you playing at?

  • You know we're not supposed to mix with breathers.

  • What if he found out that we're--

  • -Vampires?

  • -Yes!

  • Hang on, he knows.

  • -Yes, and it's fine.

  • He's promised not to tell.

  • -Oh.

  • He's promised.

  • Oh, that's fine then.

  • Listen to me, meat face, swear by all that is morbidly evil

  • not to tell anyone about us on pain

  • of a long and gruesome death.

  • -You're very pretty.

  • -Yes, I am.

  • Now swear.

  • -I swear.

  • INGRID: Good.

  • Now let's get you out of here before my father decides

  • to have you for dinner and us for dessert.

  • VLAD: Thanks, Ingrid.

  • --[scoffs] Oh, you don't think I'm saving this stinking

  • blood bag just be nice do you?

  • Oh no.

  • You and I are going to have a little conversation

  • about room allocation.

  • -OK.

  • Give us our dad and brother back.

  • Nah, too confrontational.

  • Have you seen a man in sensible waterproof clothing

  • and a weird-looking goth child?

  • -Look, are you going to knock or not?

  • -Yeah, you know, I'm just getting ready to knock.

  • CHLOE: Uggh. PAUL: You do the talking.

  • IAN: No you.

  • -Yes?

  • -Uhh.

  • -Have you seen anyone wandering around here with a cloak?

  • -Yeah, loads.

  • But I presume you want this one.

  • Now get lost.

  • -You're quite rude, aren't you?

  • -It's my thing, deal with it.

  • -See you then, Robin.

  • -Yeah.

  • Come to mine if you fancy it any time.

  • Number 22 down the hill.

  • VLAD: Oh, thanks.

  • Oh, hey.

  • Maybe you can do me a favor.

  • Get these things for me?

  • -Sure.

  • -So will we be seeing you again?

  • -Perhaps.

  • IAN: Catch you later.

  • -I can't believe you were so dumb.

  • Do you have any idea what Dad would have done

  • if he caught us talking to those breathers?

  • -Cut our allowance?

  • -And our throats.

  • -Oh, I think you underestimate me, my darling children.

  • -Split up, then perhaps one of us will live.

  • [sighing]

  • -Come on.

  • Let's find dad.

  • [snoring]

  • COUNT DRACULA: Mixing with zombies

  • I could forgive, understand even, but breathers!

  • Socializing with possible dinner ingredients.

  • -Dad, we don't want to be driven out again.

  • Perhaps we should be blending in more.

  • More blending, less biting.

  • Then maybe we won't have angry mobs storming the castle.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Ah, now that, that

  • was the result of a small misunderstanding

  • between me and the village elders.

  • -You drained their blood.

  • -Well, right.

  • A big misunderstanding.

  • -Here's a radical idea, how about

  • actually being friends with our neighbors?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Friends?

  • With our neighbors?

  • [chatting]

  • -Huh.

  • Right, that's it.

  • Definitely no contact.

  • Just go to your rooms!

  • -Talking of rooms, we're swapping.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Nobody is swapping

  • rooms without my permission.

  • In fact, from now on nobody does anything without my permission.

  • Now get out of my sight!

  • You're a disgrace.

  • I think sometimes the boy hates me.

  • -You could always kill him.

  • -Not helpful, Renfield.

  • [knocking]

  • -OK, Master.

  • -No one there, but I found this on the doorstep.

  • It's for Master Vlad.

  • -Well, open it.

  • Something called a Juice-A-Tron 3000.

  • Ah!

  • And some steaks.

  • -Mmm.

  • [sniffs]

  • -Oh, Vladimir.

  • Vladimir, I-- I wanted to say thank you for the meat.

  • If I had a working heart it would have been touched.

  • Vladimir.

  • Vladimir?

  • [gasp]

  • -Vladimir.

  • Vladimir!

  • -(TELEVISION) But these bats that live in the wild here,

  • we'll see them hiding in--

  • VLAD: Hey, Robin.

  • -Wow.

  • You flew up to my window.

  • -Um, no.

  • I climbed up.

  • -Oh.

  • Are you sure you're a vampire and not a burglar?

  • -Yes, Robin.

  • -So what happened to the camping trip?

  • -Cancelled.

  • My dad keeps falling asleep for some reason.

  • -It will wear off.

  • ROBIN: Oh, great.

  • Well, I'll go get some drinks.

  • -A cup of blood, a little bit of milk.

  • Joke.

  • So this is what my room should look like.

  • [tapping]

  • -Ah!

  • COUNT DRACULA: You're lucky I don't drop you.

  • -D- Dad!

  • [screaming]

  • -My neighbor's a vampire.

  • Excellent!

  • [thunder]

VLADIMIR: All my life I've wanted

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