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  • [theme music]

  • -Now fly into my arms.

  • Come on, fly!

  • Fly like a bat!

  • -Dad, this is stupid.

  • -It's not stupid, it's fun.

  • Now come on, every young vampire must learn how to fly.

  • -So why haven't you taught me yet?

  • -Oh, Ingrid, I've told you.

  • It's because you're a girl.

  • -Look, I've got to get to school.

  • -You did it.

  • You flew.

  • -Yeah, from the table to the ground.

  • -Oh, my son and heir.

  • Where's my money bag?

  • -Dad, for the last time, I can't-- believe it.

  • I can fly.

  • -You're not seriously giving him 10 pounds for that?

  • That's so unfair.

  • -Oh, Ingrid, darling.

  • I shall never understand this irrational jealousy

  • of my favorite child.

  • Now Vlad, let's see you flying from up there.

  • -What-- um--

  • -Yeah, come on.

  • Let's see you in action.

  • -I'd love to, but-- I better not be late for school.

  • Bye.

  • -I wouldn't be treated like this if mum was here.

  • -Well, she isn't, is she?

  • So tough peasants.

  • -Dad, what are you doing?

  • -Shh.

  • Vampire surveillance.

  • -Can't we give slaying a rest?

  • -No, we can't.

  • I know Vlad's a vampire.

  • I just need to prove it.

  • -No, what you need is help.

  • ERIC: Ow!

  • -Thank you, boys.

  • Just down here will be fine.

  • Not you, the bag!

  • Go on, scram!

  • -Oh, someone got out their coffin the wrong side.

  • -Ingrid, you're sulking.

  • Because I can fly, and she can't.

  • -You'll be flying out the window if you carry on.

  • -Oh, and, uh, by the way, mum says hello.

  • -Mum?

  • You've spoken to mum?

  • -Yeah, I've asked her to stay for a couple of days.

  • -You did what?

  • -Don't you want to see her?

  • -I'm sorry, which mum we talking about here?

  • Because I'm thinking of the back stabbing witch from hell one.

  • -Cool!

  • At least she sounds like a proper vampire.

  • I mean, you two haven't got a fang between you.

  • -Just you wait until I'm 16, Branaugh.

  • -Are you OK, Vlad?

  • -Why, shy shouldn't I be?

  • -Got you.

  • [crash]

  • Oh!

  • -So I carry the one and add up the columns, which makes 3,921.

  • -Correct.

  • -Wow.

  • I never realized doing homework could be so much fun.

  • -You're joking.

  • -I'd rather have my tongue pulled out.

  • -Oh, don't say that when mum gets here, Robin.

  • Wouldn't want to give her ideas.

  • -You really believe she's going to turn up

  • after all the times she's let us down?

  • Mum doesn't care about us.

  • She ran off with the a werewolf.

  • Get over it.

  • -Werewolf?

  • This gets better and better.

  • Is he coming too?

  • -Ignore her.

  • My mum is not coming to stay.

  • [door opens]

  • [wind blowing]

  • -Hello, darlings.

  • -Oh, is that the time?

  • Come on, Robin.

  • -Oh, mum, I've missed you.

  • I hate living with dad.

  • -There, there, don't cry.

  • No, really.

  • Don't.

  • It's a Sach.

  • And how's my little Vladdy?

  • Goodness.

  • Haven't you changed?

  • -Not that much, I haven't.

  • -Oh, Vlad.

  • I didn't recognize you.

  • -[coughing]

  • Who let the skunks out?

  • Oh, it's you, Mistress Magda.

  • -So you're still around, are you?

  • Take my case up to the spare coffin, serf.

  • I'll see you all at dinner.

  • Or for dinner, even.

  • -Your mum's awesome.

  • -Yeah, isn't she?

  • -Dad's going to be so pleased to see her.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Out!

  • -But Bunbun--

  • -And don't call me Bunbun.

  • Now go on!

  • Back to that manky dog you left me for!

  • -Well, Patrick and I have been having some problems.

  • -You just thought you'd come crawling back to me, eh?

  • -I thought I'd pop in for a drink and a chat.

  • I brought our favorite tipple.

  • -French Aristocratic, 1792.

  • Oh!

  • There's a spare towel in the airing cupboard.

  • But if I catch hide or hair of that werewolf,

  • you're straight out the door!

  • Psycho!

  • INGRID: Wow, that's beautiful, just seeing the two of you

  • back together.

  • -I am so over her!

  • Did you think there was a bit of chemistry there?

  • [organ playing]

  • -Is this your idea of a sick joke?

  • INGRID: They're mum's favorite.

  • -You know what I mean.

  • Dad's just going to end up getting hurt again.

  • -Dad, the cold hearted Prince of Darkness?

  • -Oh!

  • Ah!

  • These trousers are pinching a bit.

  • -What are you wearing?

  • -Hot stuff, eh?

  • If Patrick can pull it off, so can I. Ow!

  • -Dad!

  • You don't need to dress up.

  • Just be yourself.

  • You and mum were meant to be together.

  • -Yeah, until she left us.

  • -Stop being so negative.

  • Don't you want us to be a family?

  • -Not if she's going to leave us again.

  • And she will.

  • The last thing we need is another full grown vampire

  • roaming around trying to bite people's heads off.

  • -Oh, come on.

  • How many people have I attacked since we got here?

  • -Dad, we've had 11 different postmen.

  • -Master Vlad does have a point.

  • Hey, let's get rid of her.

  • I put garlic in her soup.

  • -Renfield.

  • Do you want these worms in your face?

  • -I-- I'd rather eat them.

  • Yaaaa!

  • Ahhhh!

  • -You hear that, Jonno?

  • Another innocent victim of the evil Count Dracula.

  • -You actually saw him bite someone?

  • -Yes.

  • Sort of.

  • No.

  • -Well, sharpen the wooden stakes.

  • The guy's clearly a vampire.

  • They're all vampires, Jonno.

  • There's even a mother vampire.

  • I heard it with my own ears.

  • -Dad, trust me.

  • I spend all day with Vlad.

  • I think Id know if--

  • -That's it.

  • JONNO: What is?

  • -Well, here's me doing all this secret surveillance

  • stuff when you're in his class.

  • Jonno, you are going to be my mole.

  • -Mole?

  • I'm not being anyone's mole.

  • I'll be your special agent.

  • -Hey, that's my boy.

  • Special agent, code name-- Mole.

  • -So, how do I look, Vladdy?

  • -Desperate?

  • -Fantastic.

  • -Mum's never going to come back and live here.

  • And why would you want the world's worst mum back anyway?

  • She's selfish, manipulative, and totally evil.

  • Hi, mum.

  • -Vlad, darling.

  • Why do you hate me?

  • -I don't hate you.

  • I just don't want us all to get hurt again.

  • I mean, how long are you going to stay this time?

  • -Well, that's down to your father, isn't it?

  • [organ playing]

  • -I know I've been a bad mother, but we all make mistakes.

  • I just wish we could be a family again.

  • -Well, dad's not falling for it this time.

  • Are you, dad?

  • -Oh, Magda!

  • -Oh, Bunbun.

  • -Welcome home.

  • [music stops]

  • -Right.

  • Now mum's back, I want Vlad's room.

  • -I think that sounds fair.

  • -Hang on!

  • Dad gave me that room.

  • Didn't you, dad?

  • -Oh, Vlad, just do as your mother says.

  • -But dad, it's me, your son and heir.

  • Vladdy!

  • You're not going to let them take away my room, are you?

  • I'm going to trash you next week.

  • It's called "My Mum's A Two-Timing, Blood Sucking

  • Vampire, And My Dimwit Sister's Asked To Live With Us."

  • -Vlad, get over it.

  • Mum's back.

  • -Yeah, course she is, until the next full moon

  • when she runs off with another werewolf.

  • -OK, firstly, that's not going to happen.

  • And secondly, I've got your room now.

  • Sucker.

  • -Right, that's it. I've got to get rid of her.

  • -Are Issue serious?

  • -Yeah, she'll ruin everything.

  • Dad's already thrown me out of my room.

  • -There are worse things that could happen.

  • -It's not just that.

  • She's done this ever since we were little.

  • Turns up, promises the world, then leaves.

  • I can't go through it again.

  • -OK.

  • It's a bit radical, but there is one

  • way you could get rid of her.

  • Remember what your dad was saying?

  • That if he found hide or hair of that werewolf,

  • Magda would be straight out the door.

  • -Mmm.

  • Nice idea, Chloe, but where we going to find werewolf hair?

  • -Uh-- uh-- I'm just going for a, uh, no!

  • -And then, of course we'll need a bigger coffin.

  • -Magda please.

  • I'm trying to sleep.

  • [howling]

  • What was that?

  • It sounded like a--

  • -Werewolf hair, all over the upstairs bathroom.

  • -What!

  • -I mean, I don't mind you sneaking your boyfriend in,

  • mum, but tell him to keep out of the plug hole, yeah.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Out!

  • -But Bunbun--

  • -Out!

  • Witch!

  • INGRID: Dad, please, just give her one more chance!

  • -And you can give that room back to Vlad.

  • -What, Just because mum--

  • -Betrayed us all?

  • Yeah, I did try and warn you this might happen, Ingrid.

  • MAGDA: Ahh!

  • Oh!

  • Ah!

  • Bunbuns, it's still daylight out there.

  • I mean, where am I supposed to go?

  • -It's not going to work.

  • -But you're always saying we should help the homeless.

  • -I'm sorry, Robin.

  • It's a nice idea, but we can't have just any old tramp--

  • -Ahem!

  • -Homeless person staying in-- uh--

  • [music playing]

  • Hi.

  • I'm Graham.

  • -Please, allow me.

  • -No, I've got it!

  • -No, I've got it!

  • -No, let go.

  • -No, I'm sure I can--

  • -Let me!

  • [music playing]

  • [thump]

  • -So, Vlad, now we know the truth.

  • -Truth?

  • What truth?

  • -The werewolf hair.

  • I'm sorry you had to find out about your mother in that way.

  • -Oh, yeah.

  • -You defended the family honor, and you

  • know what this family means to me.

  • -Dad, I'm leaving.

  • -Right, cheerio.

  • -I'm not joking.

  • Either you let mum back or I'm walking.

  • -OK.

  • Oh, and Ingrid, close the door when you leave.

  • -Right, you've asked for it. I'm going to the Branaugh's.

  • At least I'll get some attention around there.

  • [clock ticking]

  • -[sigh]

  • There must be something in this house I can eat.

  • -Sorry you didn't like the carbonara.

  • -Ah.

  • Who's this, then?

  • -Oh, that's us at our wedding.

  • I bet you broke a few hearts when you got married.

  • -Actually, we never got married.

  • I couldn't see what was in it for me.

  • -It's a celebration of love and commitment.

  • -And if dad dies, mum gets everything.

  • -Robin!

  • -Robin.

  • [music playing]

  • -Excuse me.

  • -Really?

  • So if I was to marry Countie, for example,

  • and he happened to meet with a violent accident,

  • I'd get the castle.

  • -Yes, but it doesn't look like he'll marry you now, though,

  • does it?

  • [doorbell]

  • Oh, don't all rush at once.

  • -Chin up, Magda.

  • There are lots of people who'd give

  • their right arm to marry you.

  • -Well.

  • It's the neck I'm after.

  • INGRID: Mum!

  • -Ingrid!

  • What are you doing here?

  • -I've left dad.

  • From now on, I'm going to be living with you.

  • -Oh, wonderful.

  • -[snoring]

  • -Dad?

  • It's the middle of the night.

  • -Exactly.

  • Time for your next flying lesson.

  • VLAD: What?

  • -Go out, boy!

  • Fly!

  • Fly like the wind!

  • -But dad, I can't fly.

  • -But I gave you 10 pounds.

  • -All right.

  • I lied.

  • -Oh.

  • Oh, well.

  • Never mind.

  • 'Night, Vladdy.

  • VLAD: Is that it?

  • Aren't you at least going to say you're disappointed?

  • -Well, how could I?

  • I mean, if it wasn't for you finding that-- that werewolf

  • hair, that cheating mother of yours

  • would still be here now, running her ice

  • cool fingers through my hair.

  • -You really love here, don't you?

  • -Love her?

  • Whatever gave you that idea?

  • 'Night, Vlad.

  • [music playing]

  • -Ingrid!

  • -Yes, you can carry my bag.

  • -Sorry, I don't you want to carry your bag.

  • No, I'm just wondering what's your mum's favorite music?

  • I'm doing a compilation CD.

  • -What, for my mum?

  • -Sad, isn't it?

  • Do you think she'd like this?

  • -[screams]

  • -You all right, Ingrid?

  • -Yes!

  • -How's mum?

  • -What do you care?

  • -Well, I just hope she wasn't feeling too guilty.

  • You know, about the werewolf hair an so on.

  • -Mum's fine.

  • Sense her love.

  • -Really?

  • -What do you think?

  • [music playing]

  • ERIC: So there's your target, Agent Mole.

  • Go over there and get them talking.

  • Find out if the mother's arrived.

  • And remember, act normal.

  • -Huh!

  • Look who's taking.

  • -What's up with you?

  • -Nothing's up, apart from ketchup sandwiches again.

  • -So no twinges of guilt about the werewolf hair?

  • -No.

  • I definitely, definitely did the right thing.

  • It's just dad does seem really upset.

  • I mean, what if him and mum were meant to be together?

  • -Hey, dudes!

  • Mind if I join you?

  • -(TOGETHER) Yes.

  • -Thanks So I hear your mum's visiting.

  • -You heard wrong.

  • -Hey, Vlad, does your mum like slugs at all?

  • -Robin!

  • -Oh, right, yeah.

  • Mum's the word.

  • Absolutely.

  • But it's so cool having her living at ours.

  • -(TOGETHER) Robin!

  • -Really?

  • -No!

  • You sup with the devil and you'll become one, you--

  • [coughs]

  • You have any idea what was in that sandwich?

  • -Tomato ketchup.

  • And half a beetle!

  • Ugh!

  • -Come on, let's go.

  • -So it wasn't blood, then.

  • -Of course it wasn't blood.

  • -Maybe you're just not cut out for this, Jonno.

  • I mean, what have we learned from all that?

  • Nothing.

  • -Oh, so you knew Vlad's mum was living

  • round the Branaugh's house, did you?

  • -So it's true, then.

  • The Countess herself has come to town.

  • I think it's time we paid her a visit.

  • [music playing]

  • JONNO: Vermin Busters?

  • -Clever, eh?

  • -And you reckon we won't get recognized?

  • -No.

  • -Goodbye, Mr. Van Helsing.

  • -Right, that's it.

  • I'm going home.

  • -Jonno!

  • -No, dad!

  • You're just so embarrassing!

  • From now on, you're on your own.

  • Goodbye.

  • [doorbell]

  • -Good afternoon, madam.

  • Vermin Busters here.

  • I believe you may have some unwanted guests in your house.

  • -I beg your pardon?

  • -I'm here to exterminate all vermin.

  • -Vermin?

  • -Yes, vermin.

  • Pests!

  • Parasites!

  • [spraying] -No, I'm sorry.

  • I think you may have got the wrong house.

  • -[whispering] Behind you.

  • Vamp-- I mean, vermin.

  • Vermin!

  • -What?

  • Magda, you mean?

  • How dare you!

  • She may come from a different cultural heritage,

  • but that's no excuse for bigotry!

  • -But--

  • -I'm sorry about that, Magda.

  • -Call me for a free extermination.

  • -Good day, Mister Vermin Buster.

  • I'll put this rubbish straight in the bin.

  • -Actually, no.

  • I'll take that, thank you.

  • I may have some vermin of my own to attend to.

  • VLAD: So the twins aren't falling at your feet anymore?

  • I thought they really went for the whole vampire look.

  • -They do.

  • -So what's the problem, then?

  • -Mum is the problem.

  • I wish I'd never asked her to stay.

  • -Yeah, well, I did try and warn you she might be trouble.

  • -Trouble?

  • She's a selfish, heartless old witch.

  • And you know what?

  • I'm glad dad chucked her out.

  • -Really?

  • -Yeah.

  • She deserves everything she gets.

  • -So, if for example it turned out that I hadn't actually

  • found werewolf hair in the plug hole--

  • -Vlad, did you or did you not find

  • werewolf hair in the plug hole?

  • -Not as such.

  • No.

  • -You little maggot!

  • -Well, no, like you said, it's a good thing it happened.

  • She's bound to have left us sooner or later.

  • -But what if it had worked out this time?

  • We could have been happy together.

  • -I know, I messed up.

  • I'm sorry.

  • -Maybe there's a way we can fix it.

  • [music playing]

  • -Your father sent me this?

  • -You know, mum, I think he still loves you.

  • [squeak]

  • -Your mother sent me this?

  • Yikes, she must really hate me.

  • -No, dad, it's a token of affection.

  • -Well, if she thinks she can win me

  • over with some cheap bit of fluff--

  • [door opening]

  • -Darling, I'm sorry.

  • -No.

  • I'm sorry.

  • -Marry me.

  • [squeak]

  • -Marry you?

  • -Well, of course we don't want to rush things, but how are you

  • fixed for tomorrow night?

  • -I can't believe this.

  • Mum's going to stay forever.

  • It's like a fantastic dream.

  • -A nightmare, more like.

  • Vlad, wake up.

  • You're mum's up to something, I'm sure of it.

  • -Chloe, don't interfere.

  • It's my big day.

  • I mean, Vlad's big day.

  • -Now, how do I look?

  • -Cool.

  • -Darling, your phone.

  • It's, uh, Vermin Busters.

  • -Ah, yes.

  • The DJ.

  • -Vladdy!

  • Look at you.

  • -Vermin Busters?

  • -Um-hum.

  • -You're late.

  • -That's heavy.

  • MAGDA: Well, let's get on with it.

  • [organ music]

  • -It's 7 o'clock.

  • Where is she?

  • -Dad, relax.

  • It's going to be fine.

  • -Robin, listen!

  • We have to stop the wedding.

  • -Oh, give it a rest, Chloe.

  • -Magda is in league with Mr. Van Helsing.

  • She's going to marry the Count and then bump him off.

  • -Wow!

  • That's really evil.

  • And wrong, of course.

  • -So, after the ceremony, I will lure him upstairs.

  • You spring out, slay him, and the castle shall be mine.

  • -And what's to stop me form slaying you as well?

  • Hmm?

  • [thunder]

  • I'm joking, obviously.

  • I'll be upstairs.

  • -What are we going to do?

  • -There's only one thing to do.

  • Tell Vlad.

  • [wedding march]

  • -Vlad, hold my phone.

  • -We are gathered here today to witness

  • the joyless union between two vampires.

  • -Get off!

  • -(TOGETHER) Van Helsing!

  • [music playing]

  • -Is that you?

  • Dracula?

  • Skulking around in the dark like the dead rat you are.

  • [flapping]

  • Well.

  • Prepare to meet Van Helsing.

  • [yelling]

  • -You know, Vlad, I'd get that old sewage

  • chute blocked up if I were you.

  • -Yeah, someone can have a really bad accident.

  • Hey, Vlad, high five?

  • -Sorry, I don't see what's to celebrate, Robin.

  • -Well, we've beaten Van Helsing.

  • You're dad's safe.

  • -Safe to marry the woman who was trying to slay him.

  • I mean, what if she tries again?

  • -But this is what I've been saying all day.

  • You have to stop the wedding.

  • -How?

  • I can't tell dad about Van Helsing, can I?

  • He'll just move us all back to Transylvania.

  • -Well, what are you going to do?

  • -I don't know, Robin.

  • I just wish I'd never trusted my mum again.

  • [phone ringtone]

  • -And so, before we move on to the vows,

  • I must ask if any person knows any reason-- any reason

  • whatsoever-- why these two should not

  • be joined together in matrimony?

  • No one?

  • Are you sure?

  • -Stop the wedding!

  • She doesn't love you.

  • -Nonsense, Vlad.

  • Of course she loves me.

  • She sent me that ghastly animal to prove it.

  • -No, she didn't.

  • It was me and Ingrid.

  • -Shut it, Vlad!

  • -So the kids got us back together.

  • Who cares?

  • I still love you, darling.

  • -Ahh!

  • COUNT DRACULA: That's good enough for me.

  • Renfield, carry on!

  • -All right, fine.

  • But if she lives you, how come she

  • still getting calls from Patrick?

  • [beep]

  • PATRICK (ON VOICEMAIL): Hey, princess.

  • Wolfie here.

  • Just phoned to say good luck with getting

  • your hands on the castle.

  • Anyway, I'm just having my back waxed.

  • Ow!

  • I'll you tonight for a celebration.

  • [howling]

  • -What?

  • Some people have no sense of humor.

  • Come on, Ingrid.

  • Let's go to Monte Carlo.

  • -What, to live with you and Patrick?

  • No way.

  • I mean, dad might be a pain in the neck,

  • but at least he doesn't molt.

  • -Bye, mum.

  • -Bye, darlings.

  • I'll see you soon.

  • [music playing]

  • -How'd you get on?

  • Slay any vampires?

  • What happened to you?

  • -I nearly had him, Jonno.

  • I nearly slayed a vampire.

  • -Course you did.

  • -I did, I swear.

  • And the next time, I will triumph.

  • Believe me, Jonno, the name of Van Helsing

  • will be spread far and wide.

  • -Yeah, it's the smell of Van Helsing

  • that's spreading right now.

  • -Well, Vladdy, if it wasn't for you,

  • I'd be off on honeymoon now with that vile,

  • cold hearted, treacherous woman.

  • Why did you have to go and ruin it for me?

  • -Because, dad, she doesn't love you.

  • -Of course she doesn't love him.

  • She's a vampire, stupid.

  • -But it would have been so nice to have her back.

  • Oh, Magda!

  • Magda?

  • -No.

  • Renfield.

  • [screams]

  • [theme music]

[theme music]

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